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13 Things That I Would Love Britney Spears to Do (Before She Grows Too Old)

Updated on May 23, 2016
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth has a taste for abstract/prose poetry as well as the comical side of life. 23-years of writing for a newspaper has served him well.

Britney could host a 24-hour telethon
Britney could host a 24-hour telethon | Source
Instead of appearing at the Teens Choice Awards Show, Britney could teach old people how to swim at their local community centers
Instead of appearing at the Teens Choice Awards Show, Britney could teach old people how to swim at their local community centers | Source

I am being compassionate

Poor Britney Spears. She has endured the burden of being an international pop-star, movie star, teen icon, wife and mom and to make her burden even more heavier, she is one of the wealthiest female entertainers in the world. It is a miracle that Britney even gets out of bed each day.

Do not get me wrong. I like Britney Spears. Especially when she is sober. But not as much when she has had a wee too many shots of Tequila with friends in any bar of her choosing. Sources say that when she gets in this condition, she can be a handful.

Britney loves the Billboard Music Awards Show, but she could get a job being a driver's education teacher
Britney loves the Billboard Music Awards Show, but she could get a job being a driver's education teacher | Source
Britney is so famous that she starred in a documentary about herself entitled, "I Am Britney Jean."
Britney is so famous that she starred in a documentary about herself entitled, "I Am Britney Jean." | Source

Talk about talent

Okay. Why not? Britney Spears has been blessed with tons of natural talent. She is a prolific dancer, singer, songwriter, producer and can even endure a personal trainer's rigorous workout routines in order for her to keep that taunt tummy. This, I admire. The workout's, not as much her tummy. I am old enough to be her older uncle that her family disowned for ruining a certain Thanksgiving when I dressed up as a turkey and embarrassed everyone.

Britney Spears' talents are not the subject of this story. I am sure that, depending on your taste, you will agree that she has worked and sacrificed for all that she has. I will go as far as to say that Spears has been good for America. Hardly anyone seethes with hatred when she shows up in their town for a big concert.

Britney could say goodbye to places like Hollywood Planet Resort and Casino and drive a cab
Britney could say goodbye to places like Hollywood Planet Resort and Casino and drive a cab | Source

But something is missing

I hate to bring it up at this juncture. I really do. I guess I need to introduce my headline at this time, so here I go. I am putting on my football helmet to guard my head for those who love Britney Spears so much that they will hurl rocks at me for saying this but here are . . .

13 Things That I Would Love Britney Spears to Do (Before She Grows Too Old)

Britney always poses for the press, but when she works as a social worker, she will have to give up the camera's and reporters
Britney always poses for the press, but when she works as a social worker, she will have to give up the camera's and reporters | Source
Britney visits Zappos.com campus in Las Vegas, but she could be a janitor at an institution like this
Britney visits Zappos.com campus in Las Vegas, but she could be a janitor at an institution like this | Source
Britney could join Dwayne Wade and the Miami Heat for one season as a power forward
Britney could join Dwayne Wade and the Miami Heat for one season as a power forward | Source
This finger is telling you to read EVERY item in this story closely
This finger is telling you to read EVERY item in this story closely | Source
Britney could learn all or most of Beethoven's most enjoyable works
Britney could learn all or most of Beethoven's most enjoyable works | Source
Britney would be a perfect fit for Professional Rodeo performing
Britney would be a perfect fit for Professional Rodeo performing | Source
Britney Spears could make a good living teaching drivers to correctly parallel park
Britney Spears could make a good living teaching drivers to correctly parallel park | Source
Britney could give up Pop singing and take up Rapping
Britney could give up Pop singing and take up Rapping | Source
If all else fails, Britney could go to any tech college and learn how to style hair . . .including her own
If all else fails, Britney could go to any tech college and learn how to style hair . . .including her own | Source

Are you a Britney Spears fan?

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Appear In - - a digital remake of the Marx Brothers', "A Day at The Races," where Britney takes on the roll of Chico. Wouldn't that be great?

Put Her Head - - in one of those hilarious "Pie In The Face" exhibits at any state fair. Sure, Britney is a beautiful girl and would have lots of whipped cream on her pretty face, but she could donate the entry fees to a certain local charity.

Drive A Car - - in one of NASCAR's huge races such as the Talladega 500. I mean this in a serious tone. Britney in helmet sitting behind the wheel of a high-performance Toyota product driving for Joe Gibbs Racing. What a time for her fans who are in the stands who all wish they could ride with her.

Go On An - - African Safari and let National Geographic film this for viewing by the American television audiences. Can you just imagine sweet Britney dressed in Safari attire hiding behind a huge clump of bushes in fear of a gang of Howler Monkeys who have spotted her and only howling to impersonate her singing.

Participate - - on ESPN's "Strongest Man In The World" competition. I know it said 'strongest man,' but we are living in an accepting, tolerant society so Britney could not be allowed to compete in this grueling competition that beat even the strongest guys to the ground. She might even beat a few of these muscle-bound guys who live by their testosterone.

Join The - - New York Yankees for one season as the celebrity catcher. Let's face it. The Yankees have not been the same since Joe Tori departed and they could use all of the publicity they can get. Britney would look so cute in striped short shorts, top, cap and catchers mask squatting behind the men baseball hitters who strike out for taking peeks at her, uhhh, "equipment."

Replace - - anyone on the NBC's Today Show with Matt Lauer. I meant anyone literally. I would even force myself to get up early to watch her try to interview a now-retired David Letterman or President Obama on his last few months as President. Can you imagine what response she would get when she refers to our President as, "Barackie Baby?"

Take Some - - Opera singing lessons. Not that she cannot sing Opera now, but brushing up would not hurt this lovely young girl from Louisiana who took America by storm in the early 1980's. Hey, I would save up to get myself a ticket to see her at Carnegie Hall singing "The Barber of Seville." Wouldn't you?

Let Britney - - star in a reboot of "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood," but rename it "Ms. Britney Spears Hang-Out Cribs," and do the opening almost like Fred Rogers. But she would not be dressed in a skimpy dress, but short shorts as she sings, "It's a Beautiful Day to Run Away," and put on her sweater and sneakers. I think PBS is not thinking right by not having this idea before I did.

Learn How - - to be a tour guide in Silver Springs, Florida. This is a real place. How do I know this? My family and I were here on a vacation back in the 1980's and had a great time on the glass bottom boat and very interesting dialogue given by Robin, our tour guide who I was sorry for for she had a look on her face that said, "Man, I wish I were somewhere else." Britney Spears would be THE perfect tour guide for she can act. (e.g. "Crossroads," the film). That is all it takes. Acting like you are enjoying the monotonous tour speech and the broiling sun.

Join Kevin James - - but not in a film entitled, "Zoo Keeper 3." Britney could actually work for any zoo on the planet. Yes, sir. She could feed the animals, wash their cages, and read them a bedtime story and all that jazz. Crowds, upon hearing that she was a real employee, would flock by the thousands to visit whatever zoo she worked.

Britney Would - - really draw huge crowds at a sport that is gaining a lot of national attention: Professional Rodeo. Yeah. I like this one. But maybe Britney being seen on a mean Brahma bull or wild bronc may be a matter of sympathy more than appreciation, so I am suggesting that she be a rodeo clown for a few months. Rodeo clowns play a very important role in keeping bronc and bull riders safe from the charging animals who many times inflict injury on them as a stroke of vengeance. Britney dressed with huge, yellow hair, floppy felt hat, over-size overalls and galoshes would be an easy target for any charging bull or bronc and be the first to depart when they hear her say, "Listen, ya'll. Stop that being mean or I might dance for you."

And finally . . .

Allow Britney - - to be the head coach of the SEC's LSU Tigers for one season. Les Miles, to be honest, may be a good coach, but he cannot come close to looking as hot as Britney Spears. I know if LSU did this, they would enjoy sold-out stadium's for the entire season which computes to big bucks for their college programs. Hey, geaux, Britney.

Good night, Huntsville, Alabama.

© 2016 Kenneth Avery

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    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 23 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Chatty Chat,

      Girl, I am with you 110%. Reckon how much dough she would charge all of us to actually sing?

      Hey, that is a great research project for you.

      Peace.

      Write me anytime.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 23 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Matt,

      Thank you!

      Well, if all of us hubbers and staff of HubPages would pool our money by draining our PayPal accounts, we could pay Britney to do half of these things.

      I would be content with that.

      Kenneth

    • Chatty Chat profile image

      Cindy 23 months ago from Planet Earth

      Nice Hub. I wish Britney Spears would sing live and not lip sync.

    • Matt Wells profile image

      Matt Wells 24 months ago

      Great Hub Kenneth! I would also like to see Britney do these 13 things!

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