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15 Fails in Noah's Ark (2014) Trailer

Updated on July 13, 2014

Noah 2014 - Uh, no?

The 15 Film Fails I Foresee

  1. Post-flood landscape pre-flood? What? No clouds or rainstorms before the flood, and no starscape before the flood, right?
  2. Outcast, uncivilized clothing less nuanced than fig leaves?
  3. Lack of racial characteristics - who passed on features such as dark skin?
  4. No technology or music of Tubal Cain?
  5. Noah righteous - prayer and sacraments. Verbally memorized scripture - the creation story for example- where is it?
  6. Size of animals entering ark - would be juvenile, right?
  7. Animals following orders or seeking refuge (fox and fawn fleeing forest fire) or what?
  8. Awesomeness of rapid continental drift- is it shown?
  9. Awesomeness of opening magma in ocean - unleashing fountains of the deep?
  10. Water Canopy falls from sky, is it shown? Ice from space?
  11. Rapid burial of dinosaurs- is it shown?
  12. Super steep cliffs with much erosion after flood- is it represented?
  13. Massive landslides after flood, rising oceans of briny water, surviving sea life?
  14. Rate of extinction, decay rate, and expansion of the universe all increased?
  15. First breathtaking view of rainbow and new starscape, is it featured?

Improbability + more improbability = Hollywood's Bible

Hollywood isn't included in the "Bible Belt" of America, which reaches from Rural Virginia and stretches across the Carolinas, includes all of Tennessee and skips parts of Arkansas, ending somewhere in Texas. Tinseltown is about as far from the Bible Belt as you get and it shows in their renditions of Bible Stories. I'm speaking of today, things were different when they were naming streets after Cecil B. DeMille, whose film The Ten Commandents set the bar for religious-themed filmmaking.

I'm going out on a limb, because as I write this I haven't actually seen the film Noah. But I'm taking the risk for you, my readers, to have a chance to see me error, which happens every 4 to 7 years or so. Yes, I'm going to see the movie and update this article to keep score, so stay tuned.

Clothes, Technology, Music, Civilization

Adam And Eve clothed themselves with a fig leaf, which was probably pretty impressive until it dried up and shrunk. To their credit, they probably hadn't seen this happen, so couldn't predict it. God clothed them in lamb's skin, which even on ebay is a pricey item these days. Why then would centuries of improvements lead to the brown and gray duds you see in the movie trailer. This always bothers me, that because colorfastness doesn't last through time, we assume the ancients walked around in ruins and wore sparse and colorless clothing. Their walls crumbled and were nothing but gray and shades of brown. So thoughtless.

Also, why would people who lived to be 900+ years not get sophisiticated when it came to technology and making music? If my grandfathers were alive today, they'd be just over 100 years old, and they had their own tricks and innovations of their own already. Why do we not expect this society to have created sophisticated tools and awesome music?

Movie Brief: Noah, please tell Jennifer Connelly she's commanded to go on an unforgettable cruise to repopulate the... what? With YOU! And a zoo? Oh no, and the

Get ready for all sorts of hilarity and hijincks as one family struggles to stay sane during an apocolyptic cruise of zaney proportions! Experience life aboard the nuttiest ship ever (cut to monkey cage) where things are going bananas!
Get ready for all sorts of hilarity and hijincks as one family struggles to stay sane during an apocolyptic cruise of zaney proportions! Experience life aboard the nuttiest ship ever (cut to monkey cage) where things are going bananas!

I'm Alive - Adam and Eve, many, then Noah and the Seven.

Before or After a Catastrophic Flood?

This is what it would have looked like just after the flood
This is what it would have looked like just after the flood
This is the earth today - for those of you who really spend too much time online.
This is the earth today - for those of you who really spend too much time online.
This is how I'd imagine God would create the earth. This is Versailles, France.
This is how I'd imagine God would create the earth. This is Versailles, France.

Landscape

So in the movie, God creates the world ex-nihlio, and from nothingness he makes a landscape that looks like a post-flood catastrophe!?! This is not characteristic of the God I know. My God is better at creating landscapes than kids on Minecraft, who are actually pretty good at making artistic renditions of gardens, symmetrical shapes, themes, and generally anything that outdoes a sedimentary mess of random hills and washouts.

No Slow Low Tech!

Here is a large scale replica of the ark built by a lone renegade in the Netherlands. They should have used this as a film prop.
Here is a large scale replica of the ark built by a lone renegade in the Netherlands. They should have used this as a film prop.
Where is the technology? What the heck are these people doing? I thought they could work metal?
Where is the technology? What the heck are these people doing? I thought they could work metal?

Race and Religion

So if from 8 people, you get all of the variety today, then how can all eight people be European? From whom descended the family groups of Asia, Africa, etc.? I would expect all of the dominant and some of the recessive genes to be present. Must we assume that it is all locked away in the genotypes of the individuals? This assumption is illogical because the dominant genes that are not represented such as melanin would always present themselves in the phenotype of the individual.

I have to say, I can't blame them for picking Jennifer Connelly, she doesn't seem to age. She was gorgeous in 1991 (the Rocketeer) as "Jenny" (coincidentally aboard an airship) just as she burns up the camera lens with her hotness as an "old wife" aboard a different ship. She has the looks of someone who could live a long life like the people of Noah's time, and get the action necessary to help repopulate the earth.

And what of the righteousness of Noah? Wouldn't he be famous for his believe of his God? The faith of Noah would be the main remarkable characteristic of him. He'd be more like Ned Flanders of the Simpsons and less like the loner / renegade / Master and Commander Captain / patriarch of the movie. (As far as I can tell).

Main Cast

With Whom would you repopulate the earth?

Ok simple rules. Guys pick from 1 or 2. Ladies, 3 or 4. Tubal Cain does not mean there were test tube babies at the time!

See results

One Day - A Song So Awesome I Bet The Film Won't Beat Me Watching This for the 20th time. OK, Now for "Noah". Stay Tuned.

Now We are Here- in Xanadu. What kind of evil ruled before the flood? Who cares people! NOW we are HERE. In Xan-a-duuuuuuuu!!!

You would not take any more than necessary!

It makes sense to take a pair of wolf puppies rather than every breed of adult dog. The people would have looked like Stacy Dash, Tiger Woods, Lenny Kravitz, etc.

Genetic Library Aboard Ship.

Noah wasn't stupid, he didn't take on a full grown T-Rex.
Noah wasn't stupid, he didn't take on a full grown T-Rex.
From wolves you get...
From wolves you get...
Every breed of dog.
Every breed of dog.
Would Russel Crowe and company produce these fine fellows? I doubt it.
Would Russel Crowe and company produce these fine fellows? I doubt it.

Adam and Eve, and the 8 aboard ship. What would they look like?

I imagine the people aboard ship and especially Adam and Eve would be the human-versions of modern-day wolves in relation to dogs. From one pair of wolves you can obtain all the different breeds. The human "wolves" would look multi-racial and not exhibit many recessive traits such as red hair, blue eyes, white skin, shrunken or oversized features.

Who Should Have Played Adam and Eve? My Opinion:

Lenny Kravitz
Lenny Kravitz
Stacey
Stacey
Dash
Dash
Yes. I'm quite sure I'd have cast Stacey Dash for this film.
Yes. I'm quite sure I'd have cast Stacey Dash for this film.

Stacey Dash has it all!

Stacey Dash is an example of the human version of a wolf. She could have kids that look a lot like anybody after generations of in-breeding and mutations. She's not just a fox, she's a wolf baby!

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  • profile image

    alex silver 2 years ago

    "Also, why would people who lived to be 900+ years not get sophisiticated when it came to technology and making music?"

    Probably because they hadn't learned empericism yet. You know , since they relied on failed methods of knowledge like faith and assertions by those who claimed devine revelation.

  • cfin profile image

    cfin 3 years ago from The World we live in

    Entertaining article. 1. Noah was not just in the bible. 2. It's a movie. Have you seen Ireland in movies? It looks like the 1300's, but it's nothing like that in real life. Dublin is more like Brussels, Amsterdam or anywhere else. 3. Yes all dogs came from wolves so good point. One human can cause the evolution of a dog breathe in their lifetime by changing their circumstances, food etc. It has been done and it is fact. If people don't believe it, they have issues with intelligence. I have argued this with "creationists" numerous times and they always get angry and storm off.

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