15 Fails in Noah's Ark (2014) Trailer
Noah 2014 - Uh, no?
The 15 Film Fails I Foresee
- Post-flood landscape pre-flood? What? No clouds or rainstorms before the flood, and no starscape before the flood, right?
- Outcast, uncivilized clothing less nuanced than fig leaves?
- Lack of racial characteristics - who passed on features such as dark skin?
- No technology or music of Tubal Cain?
- Noah righteous - prayer and sacraments. Verbally memorized scripture - the creation story for example- where is it?
- Size of animals entering ark - would be juvenile, right?
- Animals following orders or seeking refuge (fox and fawn fleeing forest fire) or what?
- Awesomeness of rapid continental drift- is it shown?
- Awesomeness of opening magma in ocean - unleashing fountains of the deep?
- Water Canopy falls from sky, is it shown? Ice from space?
- Rapid burial of dinosaurs- is it shown?
- Super steep cliffs with much erosion after flood- is it represented?
- Massive landslides after flood, rising oceans of briny water, surviving sea life?
- Rate of extinction, decay rate, and expansion of the universe all increased?
- First breathtaking view of rainbow and new starscape, is it featured?
Improbability + more improbability = Hollywood's Bible
Hollywood isn't included in the "Bible Belt" of America, which reaches from Rural Virginia and stretches across the Carolinas, includes all of Tennessee and skips parts of Arkansas, ending somewhere in Texas. Tinseltown is about as far from the Bible Belt as you get and it shows in their renditions of Bible Stories. I'm speaking of today, things were different when they were naming streets after Cecil B. DeMille, whose film The Ten Commandents set the bar for religious-themed filmmaking.
I'm going out on a limb, because as I write this I haven't actually seen the film Noah. But I'm taking the risk for you, my readers, to have a chance to see me error, which happens every 4 to 7 years or so. Yes, I'm going to see the movie and update this article to keep score, so stay tuned.
Clothes, Technology, Music, Civilization
Adam And Eve clothed themselves with a fig leaf, which was probably pretty impressive until it dried up and shrunk. To their credit, they probably hadn't seen this happen, so couldn't predict it. God clothed them in lamb's skin, which even on ebay is a pricey item these days. Why then would centuries of improvements lead to the brown and gray duds you see in the movie trailer. This always bothers me, that because colorfastness doesn't last through time, we assume the ancients walked around in ruins and wore sparse and colorless clothing. Their walls crumbled and were nothing but gray and shades of brown. So thoughtless.
Also, why would people who lived to be 900+ years not get sophisiticated when it came to technology and making music? If my grandfathers were alive today, they'd be just over 100 years old, and they had their own tricks and innovations of their own already. Why do we not expect this society to have created sophisticated tools and awesome music?
Movie Brief: Noah, please tell Jennifer Connelly she's commanded to go on an unforgettable cruise to repopulate the... what? With YOU! And a zoo? Oh no, and the
I'm Alive - Adam and Eve, many, then Noah and the Seven.
Before or After a Catastrophic Flood?
So in the movie, God creates the world ex-nihlio, and from nothingness he makes a landscape that looks like a post-flood catastrophe!?! This is not characteristic of the God I know. My God is better at creating landscapes than kids on Minecraft, who are actually pretty good at making artistic renditions of gardens, symmetrical shapes, themes, and generally anything that outdoes a sedimentary mess of random hills and washouts.
No Slow Low Tech!
Race and Religion
So if from 8 people, you get all of the variety today, then how can all eight people be European? From whom descended the family groups of Asia, Africa, etc.? I would expect all of the dominant and some of the recessive genes to be present. Must we assume that it is all locked away in the genotypes of the individuals? This assumption is illogical because the dominant genes that are not represented such as melanin would always present themselves in the phenotype of the individual.
I have to say, I can't blame them for picking Jennifer Connelly, she doesn't seem to age. She was gorgeous in 1991 (the Rocketeer) as "Jenny" (coincidentally aboard an airship) just as she burns up the camera lens with her hotness as an "old wife" aboard a different ship. She has the looks of someone who could live a long life like the people of Noah's time, and get the action necessary to help repopulate the earth.
And what of the righteousness of Noah? Wouldn't he be famous for his believe of his God? The faith of Noah would be the main remarkable characteristic of him. He'd be more like Ned Flanders of the Simpsons and less like the loner / renegade / Master and Commander Captain / patriarch of the movie. (As far as I can tell).
With Whom would you repopulate the earth?
Ok simple rules. Guys pick from 1 or 2. Ladies, 3 or 4. Tubal Cain does not mean there were test tube babies at the time!
One Day - A Song So Awesome I Bet The Film Won't Beat Me Watching This for the 20th time. OK, Now for "Noah". Stay Tuned.
Now We are Here- in Xanadu. What kind of evil ruled before the flood? Who cares people! NOW we are HERE. In Xan-a-duuuuuuuu!!!
You would not take any more than necessary!
It makes sense to take a pair of wolf puppies rather than every breed of adult dog. The people would have looked like Stacy Dash, Tiger Woods, Lenny Kravitz, etc.
Genetic Library Aboard Ship.
Adam and Eve, and the 8 aboard ship. What would they look like?
I imagine the people aboard ship and especially Adam and Eve would be the human-versions of modern-day wolves in relation to dogs. From one pair of wolves you can obtain all the different breeds. The human "wolves" would look multi-racial and not exhibit many recessive traits such as red hair, blue eyes, white skin, shrunken or oversized features.
Who Should Have Played Adam and Eve? My Opinion:
Stacey Dash has it all!
Stacey Dash is an example of the human version of a wolf. She could have kids that look a lot like anybody after generations of in-breeding and mutations. She's not just a fox, she's a wolf baby!