15 Easy Ways For You to Get Yourself Banned From The Theater Forever
Do you enjoy the ballet?
Ballet takes discipline
There are two types of theater: Community theater and the theaters on Broadway in New York City, “The Big Time,” where actors go when their “dues are paid.” Both types of theater are important. In 1993, three friends, Exie Williford, Tommy Roby, and a local pastor, Bro. Clint Padgett, formed The Kudzu Playhouse, in our hometown, Hamilton, Al., and we did local, community theater productions with original scripts and all for established charities.
If anyone tells you, “Oh, how I’d love to do theater,” then you will instantly-know that they haven’t done theater at all. It’s a back-breaking, sweaty-faced, stressful work that you wouldn’t trade for a stack of cash six-foot tall. And if one day the “show business bug,” bites you, nothing, money, new cars, or fast women will satisfy you like the stage lights and being in the spotlight. That’s the plain and simple truth of it.
Reading For This
Story Only Gets
BETTER . . .
The musical, "Oklahoma," is am American theater icon
Dustin Hoffman was "Willy Lowman," in "Death of a Salesman"
Everyone is not a fan of theater
Theater on any level is one dread of most boyfriends and husbands. Their main gripe is: “Having to sit two hours and listen to all of that high-brown yakkety, yak.” But these same guys will think nothing of heading off to the local cinema to sit in seats smaller than their butts to see two hours of mundane explosions, men shooting guns bigger than they are and meaningful-dialogue such as: “Watch out, Ted! He’s got a gun!” No wonder the ladies get so angry at men when the subject of theater rolls around.
And whom do we thank for modern-day community and Broadway theater? William Shakespeare and others of his sort—brilliant, talented, and not being blessed with skills to hold-down a real job. Then there is Neil Simon who is credited with “The Out-of-Towners,” “The Odd Couple,” and “The Sunshine Boys.” I can’t forget the incomparable Arthur Miller who penned the epic theater icon: “Death of a Salesman.” Of course there are many more writers who are at work (even now) laboring over a script that they hope will bring them a Tony Award.
Big scene from "Romeo and Juliet"
Scene from "Hamlet"
Looking back to 2013, I published a hub about how common folk like me, can get past the security personnel who guard those majestic theaters on Broadway, and enjoy a night of good, professional theater performed by professional actors. I wasn’t kidding-around that much in stating that there exists groups of people who literally stop at nothing to get inside one of these theaters.
So to be fair, and I dedicate “this” piece of all of the disgusted boyfriends and husbands who have escorted their female companions to a night at the opera or an acclaimed Broadway play, I proudly present, with my heart in the right place . . .
“15 Easy Ways for You to Be Banned Forever From The Theater”
Images of famous theater moments
- Stretch-out your legs so they fit underneath the person’s seat in front of you. Then at the right time, gently kick upward a few times while looking intently at the action on the stage. Sooner or later, the lady whose butt you are kicking will report you to the theater manager and there you go. No more theater for you.
- Bring hard candy from home in your suit pocket then crack it with your mouth open.
- Cough often and ever-so-gently. Keep this going and you will be courteously asked to never come back.
- Whisper things to your wife and do it loud enough for those around you to hear what you are saying. Things like: Your irregularity, and does she want to spice things up in the bedroom.
- Pull a convincing fainting episode, but fall forward onto the theater patrons in front of you.
- Crack your knuckles as all men do and space-out the times you do this. Oh, how the complaints will flow.
- Relieve your burning feet who are not used to fancy slippers. The smell will get you banned forever.
- Sneak your cell phone into the theater and just as the curtain goes up, you start watching Monday Night Football and whisper a few phrases like: “Way to go, LeRoy!” Soon, you will be asked to “hit the bricks.”
- Remember spitballs in grade school and how much fun it was to secretly flick a well-designed spitball across the room at your buddy, “Jake?” Well . . .this will also work in the theater audience.
- Ever so often, ask the people behind you, “Is my big head getting in your way?”
- Laugh to yourself at all of the dramatic-scenes. Then laugh to yourself just for the heck of it.
- “Bring up the big guns,” by telling your wife or girlfriend you will meet them at the theater, but on the way, you stop at a restaurant and gorge on foods that will produce a nasty gas in your intestines. You know the rest of this tip.
- If you can act concerned, say, “Did you see that, honey? A huge rat just ran over our feet.”
- Whisper, “Dear, I am burning up,” and fumble around for a while struggling to pull your suit coat off.
- Emergency note: If none of these suggestions work, just start saying things such as: “When does the pole dancing start?” “I was told there were naked girls in this play!” and “What does a guy have to do to get a cold beer?
Yeah, men. You can pretty much rest assured of never having to go to the theater again, but I am not responsible for those cold shoulder treatments you are definitely going to receive from your wife or girlfriend. Hey, I am not a rainmaker.