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40 Ways to NOT get a Job (for Comic Relief)

Updated on June 21, 2011

Are you doing the "right" things?

Giving yourself haircuts will help you look your best!
Giving yourself haircuts will help you look your best!
Interview attire.
Interview attire.
With these tips you will miss the mark for sure!
With these tips you will miss the mark for sure!

A comprehensive list for your funny-bone!

With the economy in such a downturn and more people looking for jobs than ever in recent history, I felt that a little comic relief may be in order. Some of the items in this list are obvious no-no's and some are examples of things I've actually heard people say or seen them do. If you are currently a job-seeker, I hope you find the humor in this list and that it brings you a smile. Good luck!

  1. Never start your job search before 1pm every day.
  2. Only apply for jobs on the internet, never in person.
  3. Collect applications, but don't fill them out or turn them in.
  4. Religiously practice the fine art of holding down the couch at home so it doesn't fly away.
  5. Do not answer the phone you put down as the best number to contact you.
  6. Do not return messages from prospective employers. It could be a telemarketing trick.
  7. Get plenty of rest. Sleep till 10am. Eat. Nap till 1pm. Then start your day.
  8. Remember to call people you meet a few days after you were supposed to, so they will be impressed by your lack of follow through.
  9. Show up for interviews an hour late.
  10. Don't show up for interviews and then call the next day and ask if you can reschedule.
  11. Change your mind about having applied for a certain position and withdraw your application when they call to offer you the job.
  12. Take your kids to an interview with you. There's nothing like a family man.
  13. Take your "therapy" dog to an interview with you. An agressive breed that growls will show that you are serious.
  14. Change the phone number you put on your applications.
  15. Apply for jobs only if they use an automated computer kiosk to take the applications.
  16. Wait for one employer to call you about your application before submitting any other applications at other places.
  17. Write a bad check at a place you have applied.
  18. Ask if there are any available singles in the office you may be working.
  19. Forget to shower on the day of your interview. Don't put on deoderant or purfume either, it will just make it obvious that you are trying to cover up the smell.
  20. Burp, cough or sneeze on the interviewer and then make small talk about the swine flu epidemic.
  21. When asked if you have reliable transportation answer "Yes, I have a nice bicycle and I only live 15 miles from here."
  22. On your applications, under the heading "disabilities" put down any and all you can think of.
  23. When they give you a start date for the job say "Can I start a different day? I have a psychological workup with my doctor that day".
  24. Consistently refer to yourself in the third person.
  25. Go to your local Employment Development Department and ask job hunting advice from all the people in line.
  26. When asked what your expected salary should be, answer, "I don't know, at least more than my food stamps".
  27. When would you be able to start? "When my unemployment runs out."
  28. What hours can you work? "Well, I get up at 10am, and my kid gets out of school at 2pm and of course I need time for lunch and personal errands....."
  29. Highest education completed? "Sex ed"
  30. Give yourself a new haircut before the interview.
  31. Wear an Iraqi sympathy t-shirt that says, "Free Sadam"
  32. Insist on having your interview on Halloween and show up as a suicide bomber.
  33. Wear clothing that shows off ALL your tatoos.
  34. Interview the interviewer as if you were David Letterman.
  35. If its a job that requires professional attire, make sure you wear your "fashionable" jeans with premade holes in them and a peasant blouse.
  36. Offer to spend your entire paycheck at the retail store you are applying, and talk about how you are addicted to shopping and will be sure to spend your breaks and lunches browsing the aisles.
  37. Compliment the interveiwers outfit and exclaim "I bought that same dress last week at Ross!"
  38. Wish and hope and pray that a job will magically find you.
  39. Trash talk former employers on Twitter, and Facebook.
  40. Include an attachment to your online resume with pictures of yourself smiling while engaging in illegal activity.


© 2009 Willow Mattox


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    • profile image

      Dabby Lyric 

      3 years ago

      LOL! I truly needed this! I'm going through a rough patch and this put a smile on my face! Love your sense of humor. It cracks me up how a lot of your examples are done all the's sad but kind of funny too. lol


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