2012: More Reasons That This Is The LAST Year.
I didn't make it up this time.
Previously, in 5 Reasons 2012 will be the LAST Year, I made up a bunch of facts to support the theory that 2012 will be the last year of this planet. I mean, hey, the Mayan Calendar only goes up to Hunched Guy Juggling Jaguars While Eating Enchiladas, so that obviously means that today's advanced global society must perish.
Ok, fine, I made the name of the year up, too. Enchiladas came from Spain, I bet. I'd look it up, but, well, I'm feeling lazy. No. My Google is broken. And Wikipedia contains only lies. It does. If you look up Doug Berry, it'll tell you that I'm some kind of Canadian Hockey Coach. Here's my "Native Texan" knowledge of hockey: You have a curved stick; you play on frozen water; it's like air hockey, but you don't have to insert quarters.
Enough digressing (stop that, me), here are some more reasons that 2012 has to be the last year for the planet. I may or may not have made this up. You could try and look these things up, but I fear for your sanity.
The Anti-Christ and Christ 2-for-1
Two, Two-Headed Babies Born in Brazil
Yep, there were two, two-headed babies born in Brazil. Granted, it was in 2011, but that has to mean something. Only one of them lived, but their name is Jesus and Emanoel. Jesus and his symbiotic twin Emanoel have come back. I hear what you're saying, but it doesn't matter that there are already millions of Jesuses running around the planet. There are Moseses a-plenty, too. It has to mean something.
It would have been a little more fitting if the kid(s) had been named Jesus and Damien. That way they could have been both the Christ and Anti-Christ at the same time. Since siblings are rarely much alike, it would have worked out well. Especially if Damien had turned out to be the Christ and Jesus the Anti-Christ. How would you abbreviate that to make it faster? C and AC?
Xcelerating the End, Boredom
Boredom Conference Sells Out Again.
If a conference on boredom sells out once, obviously people were curious as to what a conference on boredom is. If a conference on boredom sells out twice, obviously we as a society have reached the pinnacle of success. Ennui has set in and it's time to drink the grape Kool Aid.
Since James Ward's 3rd Annual Festival of Tedium should be held in 2012, there is absolutely no way that the planet (or at least our species) can survive. What can Mr. Ward present to us, anyway? Can there be anything less exciting than a discourse on the square root of 2 or the history of the electric hand dryer. Then again, those Xcelerator hand driers are pretty spiffy.
India's Toilet Crisis
India Vowed to Eliminate Open Defecation by 2012
Back in 2006, India's Rural Development Minister vowed to eliminate outdoor elimination by 2012. Since toilet use, due to lack of said toilets, back in '06 was as low as 15% in some of the more rural parts of India, it's hard to imagine 100% toilet use can be achieved this year without some sort of catastrophic consequences.
I would think that the amount of capital expenditure to install enough plumbing throughout the Indian countryside would bankrupt India if done too quickly. Add that to the weak economies of the United States and EU and things become shakier. Then all of the rest of Asia will want toilets, too.
I'm predicting that toilets will be the downfall of the global economy in 2012. The resultant strife to claim control of the existing plumbing will cause a nuclear holocaust that will melt the surface of this planet to a glassy slag. Technically, it's called Trinitite.
Zombie Steve Jobs May Save Us
Steve Jobs Snuffed It.
It's true. He shuffled off this mortal coil late last year. About the same time, the dude who brought us C, Unix, and the Mimeograph machine also died. Without a steady stream of new Apple products to keep the economy shuffling along, it is doomed to failure.
I mean, if Apple can't come up with a slightly improved, exceedingly more expensive product every 3 months that makes the last product slightly outdated, what are we going to do? You didn't know that Steve Jobs hand-built every Apply product in his garage, did you? It's true. Look up the word manufacture, it's from the Latin meaning "to make by hand."
I don't know how many month's supply Steve had built up. Truly I don't, but once the last iPad 2a and iPhone4msg ships, what will the world do? We will all have to go back to those Motorola bag phones from the '90s. Searching through thrift stores and interacting with all the hipsters while we're trying to find a phone that will still works will cause us to get ill. A global pandemic will ensue. Total global indoor plumbing will not help. We are doomed.
That's only 4, Doug, you gave us 5 last time!
That's true. I was a bit more detailed and added more words per item this go 'round, though. Plus, that Steve Jobs one is a double whammy: the economy fails and we get wiped out by a hipster-spread disease. India's toilets won't help. Despite the emergence of Brazil's two-headed Christ/Anti-Christ combo, we're doomed to die of boredom.
Speaking of boredom, I hope I helped alleviate yours a bit. I would appreciate you voting this, "The most awesomest thing ever." I'm sure that's one of the choices down there. Don't even think of voting this down. I know where you live. I will send a herd of highly trained attack cat-ninjas to take you out. Truly I will. Or I'm not Doug Berry, Canadian Hockey Coach.