ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Entertainment and Media»
  • Celebrities

3,700,000 People Need Something To Do

Updated on December 7, 2012

3,700,000 people need something to do

Recently, John Mayer rocked the worlds of 3.7 million people by canceling his Twitter account. As most of us already know, Twitter allows anyone with free time and an Internet connection to broadcast their comings and goings in 140 character snippets. Eventually the Twitter folks will take their company public: Wall Street will become hot and bothered along with Main Street.

What Will Happen To These People?

3.7 million people represent well over 1% of the total population of the United States. Certainly not all John Mayer followers live in the USA, but we Americans generally embrace social networking web sites and pop music as capably as any other population. These folks need something else to do, regardless of their country of origin.

Gladly stepping into the breach, we offer alternatives for the millions of Mayer followers who no longer hang on his every Tweet. Going outside to play presents the most obvious alternative, but we suspect that leaving ones' parents' basement might seem scary at first. Venturing out into the sunshine poses problems: sunglasses, sunblock, sunhat, SPF 40 clothing and related gear must be secured before venturing away from the computer and the refrigerator.

Discraft 175 gram Ultimate Ultra-Star disc

The Ultimate Players Association anoints this product as official. Take it outside and throw it at your friends: they will catch it and toss it back to you. At least, that's the general plan. You can also toss it at stationary devices scattered throughout grassy areas in an approximation of 'golf'. If you should encounter John Mayer on the course, consider it an added benefit. Twitter your score as soon as you get home.

X Loop P5 Polarized Active Sports Frame Sunglasses

We want our sunglasses to:

  • Fit properly
  • Block 100% of UVA and UVB rays
  • Provide some measure of protection from flying objects
  • Look really extremely agonizingly stunningly breathtakingly cool

However, we inevitably purchase our sunglasses based on how they are named. A pair of "X Loop P5 Polarized Active Sports Frame Sunglasses" pretty much sets the standard for eye protection naming strategies. We might be able to jam in another adjective, but we run the risk of exceeding the 140 character limit imposed by Twitter.

Phoenix Suns Purple / Orange Bill Adjustable Hat / Cap

These lids afford sun protection while honoring the National Basketball Association team of the same name. John Mayer fans who have never been to a basketball game, watched a basketball game on television, or tweeted about a basketball game may require some explanation, but the horizon expansion is well worth the effort.

Outdoor Research Sun Runner Sun Hat

Given that Twitter no longer holds the attention of 3,700,000 John Mayer fans, perhaps one or two will drift toward scientific research performed outdoors. To that end, this product from Outdoor Research offers to provide protection from sun damage. Made from synthetic materials that John Mayer may or may not approve of, this adorable hat extends well beyond the traditional head covering and provides neck, cheeks, and forehead shelter. A wide range of sizes fits a wide range of outdoor John Mayer fan heads.

Swiss Gear 10- by 10-Foot Smart Shade Canopy

Certainly, 3.7 million John Mayer fans will not fit under this smart shade, but given that we paid attention in algebra class, we calculate that 5 rabid fans will fit comfortably within the 100 square feet of shade provided by just one smart shade: each fan enjoys 20 square feet of shaded space.

Extrapolating to accommodate all 3,700,000 disaffected fans:

3,700,000 / 5 = 740,000 Swiss Gear 10- by 10-Foot Smart Shade Canopies.

Placed edge-to-edge, this would require 740,000 X 100 = 74,000,000 square feet, or 1700 acres, or 2.5 square miles, of picnic space. That's peanuts when compared to Woodstock.


We sincerely wish nothing but the best to all 3.7 million John Mayer fans who were unceremoniously cut off from their tweets. Go outside and play.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Pcunix profile image

      Tony Lawrence 7 years ago from SE MA

      Twitter has become nearly pointless. I won't follow anyone who is following more than a few hundred people because they obviously have to be "Twitter deaf" - too much stuff coming down. I stop following anyone who tweets too often because they make ME Twitter deaf.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Robwrite : Will John Mayer be there?

    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 7 years ago from Oviedo, FL

      They can all come to the movies with me. I'm not paying for them all, though.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: ""

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)