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How to Achieve Global Domination.

Updated on January 27, 2012
Jefflandia, formerly known as Mercury.
Jefflandia, formerly known as Mercury.

A friend asked for help in his global domination plans. I thought I could give a few tips.


As I pointed out in another hub, time is running out. It means that any would-be dominators of nations, crushers-under-feet of peons, and rulers-without-mercy had better get a move on with their plans. Jeff, specifically, you need to rule long time. Anyone named Jeff. All hail Jeff, Overlord of Things.

Some of you may be wondering, why 5 things? Why not 7? I like 5. Since most people have the attention span of toast, they can make it to 4, sometimes 5. That way I get most of my point across.

Anyway, on to the list:

1) Decide where you want to dominate. Do you want to conquer the classical world? Sorry, Alexander already covered that. Pick something that no one has yet ruled with an iron fist. Your lawn might qualify. Ruling the beasts of your lawn might bring you the enjoyment you crave. Building a tiny rack for the centipedes might be a bit complicated, but hey, you chose your back yard; you have to rule what you find.

2) When you want to lay your mighty fist upon the land is also important. According to facts I made up yesterday, the world will end during 2012. If you were planning on ruling in a couple of years, that's too late (unless, of course, you're reading this from beyond 2012...beyond the end of time). Get crackin', it's December Twentysomethingth, 2011 as I write this, so you'd better at least have your Big Chief tablet and Crayolas out drawing maps of Jefflandia. Unless you aren't Jeff. Then prepare to be ruled.

3) Who do you want to dominate? Your sister? I've met your sister. I've met my sister. I don't think you'll be dominating them. You need to pick someone easy to dominate. Small children, the weak-minded, dogs, elk, moose, wombats, the occasional wildebeest--all of these are options. There are many more. Choose wisely. If you make the wrong choice, you become the ruled.

4) Vaguely remembering the 5 questions we're supposed to answer in an article from the dark recesses of high school brings me to "What do you want to stomp with your hob-nailed sandals, Jeff?" You can combine this with other things, of course; "I want to rule wombats in a hidden dimension that's found in the live oak in my mom's back yard," is perfectly acceptable. It is, with the right substances, probably achievable this weekend.

5) YMCA. Yasser Arafat. Yummy. Oh, I mean, why. Not things that start with Y. Though dominating the YMCA by giving yummy treats while wearing some sort of Yasser Arafat outfit and/or disguise might work. But really, why do you want to rule? I get enough headaches just trying to get the idiots who work with me not to drool on my shoes. I cannot even imagine what ruling them would be like!

Now these aren't the only options. There's always the traditional "start your own religion that promises your own planet to rule" gag. I can think of two that you could join today that offer that deal. You can alternatively pick a piece of real estate that's not currently occupied (that we know of) like Mercury. "I am Jeff the First of Mercury," you can declare. You can even get some business cards printed. Who's going to argue with you? NASA?

Good luck, Jeff. You're going to need it.

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    • DougBerry profile imageAUTHOR

      DougBerry 

      9 years ago from Abilene, TX

      I have a degree in History (specializing in US Military), I've operated a variety of small businesses, and I currently keep an anthropomorphic mouse robot running. Obviously, I should be the next Secretary-General of the UN.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      9 years ago from Ohio, USA

      You may wish to apply for a United Nations position.

    • DougBerry profile imageAUTHOR

      DougBerry 

      9 years ago from Abilene, TX

      Well, my parents taught me the answer to the last one, you order a Supreme and pick off what you don't like. I don't think that applies to the youngest among us, 'cause there are too many cheese pizzas being delivered where I work.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      9 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Start slow: practice dominating your cubicle, then move up to a booth at Applebee's.

      Simply controlling the TV remote in your own living room presents challenges analogous to world combination.

      Have you ever tried to get 5 people to agree on pizza toppings?

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