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50 Funny Jokes by Comedian Jimmy Fallon

Updated on November 15, 2014
Jimmy Fallon on "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon"
Jimmy Fallon on "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon"

Jimmy Fallon is one of the most popular comedic geniuses of the time and his fan base spans quite a few generations. Some people have a natural funny gene and Jimmy Fallon is one of them. He has been entertaining since the age of 17, when he first took the stage at Bananas Comedy Club in Poughkeepsie, New York in 1991. Fallon rose through the comedic ranks quickly, going from stand-up comedian to featured player on Saturday Night Live (September 1998). In 2009, Fallon landed a challenging, high-profile role. He took over Conan O'Brien's late-night talk show. On the first Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, in March 2009, his guests included Robert De Niro and Justin Timberlake. As of February 17, 2014, "The Tonight Show" returned to its New York origins as "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" made its broadcast debut from Studio 6B in Rockefeller Center.

Here are some of his funniest jokes.

1) Scientists in London say they have invented a process that can actually turn light into matter, but warned people that their results won’t be visible to the human eye. Well, in that case, I invented it too.

2) A new study found that a growing number of dog owners are giving their pets anti-anxiety medication as a way to calm them down and reduce unwanted stress in their lives. Then the dogs said, “Or, you could just sell the vacuum cleaner.”

3) A man in California is making news for running a mile while drinking four beers, all in under five minutes. Sure, but when I try to do it, they tell me to get off the treadmill and leave the gym.

4) Today is Earth Day. It’s the day we celebrate the “three R’s”: Reduce, reuse, and, uh, retweet? I don’t know.

5) A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. The other 19 percent of parents don’t think it counts as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place.

6) A computer virus called “Heartbleed” has affected two-thirds of all websites. Security experts are warning people that they need to change their Internet passwords. Then my mom said, “No problem. I’ll just change my password to 1-2-3-4-5-7!”

7) Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin.

8) A new study found that being lonely is actually worse for your health than being obese. You know, because if you’re obese at least it FEELS like there’s two of you.

9) A study found that if given a choice, most Americans would not want to live to the age of 120. People don’t want to live to 120 except for one group — people who are at 119.

10) A new study found that couples who don’t have kids end up having happier marriages. So to anyone whose parents got divorced, I guess it WAS your fault.

11) A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of questions, like: What kind of babies have enemies?

12) Somebody actually did a study that found that because of his hard-drinking lifestyle, the character James Bond would live to be only 56 years old. When men heard that they were like, “Yeah, I’d take that deal.”

13) Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions, and this is weird. If you’re married, it’s actually located in your wife’s brain.

14) Scientists in Italy say that the Leaning Tower of Pisa is slowly getting straighter. Engineers could tell when it stopped listening to Cher.

15) An 80-year-old weightlifter has been banned from the sport for two years after he was caught using steroids at a competition. Officials became suspicious that he was using steroids when he was an 80-year-old man in a weightlifting competition.

16) A new study found that using Facebook has actually changed how our brains work. Yeah, it’s true. Before Facebook, when you said you liked something, you actually did.

17) Last week, a woman in Nevada gave birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant. Afterwards, the manager said, “Uh, you still have to buy something. Restrooms are for customers only.”

18) I read that 25 percent of toddlers in America know how to use an iPad — while 100 percent of toddlers in China know how to make one.

19) A company in Japan has a new watch with a built-in breathalyzer that can tell you if you’re drunk. It would probably work better if the watch didn’t always list the time as “5 o’clock somewhere.”

20) A new study found that volunteering can actually reduce the risk of heart problems. Which would be awesome news if it didn’t also reduce the risk of having a fun Saturday.

21) This week, Apple introduced a new laptop that supposedly has an all-day battery. Yeah, here’s how it works — don’t turn on your laptop all day.

22) Google announced that it is buying a wind farm in Sweden. And not to be outdone, Bing is buying an oscillating fan off of Craigslist.

23) Starbucks is now banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It will get even worse for smokers once they realize every Starbucks is about 25 feet from another Starbucks.

24) A new study found that drinking soda is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, soda is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.

25) A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter.

26) A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you on the subway.

27) A new study found evidence that humans may have a so-called “lazy” gene. Scientists would know more, but why bother?

28) Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that he’s challenging himself to meet a new person every day. If only there were a website that could make that easy.

29) This is scary. Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Even environmentalists were like, “You killed that thing, right?”

30) A new study found that at least 50 percent of all pets in the United States are overweight. Veterinarians plan to treat this as a serious problem, or as fat pets put it, “Did you say treat?”

31) A new study found that pessimistic people actually live longer than optimists, which would be great news for pessimists if they believed in great news.

32) In a new interview, Bill Gates said he’s not satisfied with the level of innovation at Microsoft. He would’ve said more, but he had to hang up the phone so his assistant could use the Internet.

33) Scientists have discovered a species of fish that surrounds itself with uglier fish in order to look more attractive. However, scientists could not identify which sorority it belongs to.

34) A new study found that our personalities change about once every 10 years. And if you disagree with the study — well, just give it 10 years.

35) Facebook announced that its service is back to 100 percent, after it went down for more than an hour yesterday. Yep, Facebook is finally working, which means the rest of us can finally stop.

36) A new study found that eating healthier food can improve your memory. Unfortunately, the first thing you remember is how much better unhealthy food tastes.

37) A new study found that nice people are more likely to live longer than people with bad attitudes. Or as people with bad attitudes put it, “Whatever.”

38) I read that the Apple executive who designed the iPhone just bought a new $17 million mansion in California. And if there’s any justice at all, he’ll find out the new house isn’t compatible with any of the furniture from his last house.

39) A new study found that running for two minutes is just as good for you as working out for 90 minutes. That doesn’t sound like a study — it sounds like something a chubby guy says after being on the treadmill for two minutes.

40) A farmer in Germany accidentally planted a crop of marijuana after thinking that he was growing sunflowers. The farmer said he was really surprised that the cops actually bought that story.

41) New research found that 25 percent of Americans don’t know their own cell phone number — while the rest thought of a different excuse to get out of dating that researcher.

42) For the second year in a row, New York City students have improved their reading scores. Unfortunately, now they can read how low their math scores are.

43) A new study found that women’s IQs ARE HIGHER THAN MEN’S for The first time in 100 years. They would have found it earlier, but the researchers were all men.

44) Ford has a new technology to help keep a car in its lane on the highway. They say it works great — until you want to exit the highway.

45) Swedish researchers have discovered a new species of fish. Not to be outdone, Gummi researchers have discovered a new species of bear.

46) Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction.

47) This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.

48) A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe.

49) According to new research, playing iPhone games like “Angry Birds” and “Words With Friends” can improve your memory. Yeah, it can help you remember distant events like the last time you actually talked to a person.

50) “A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.”

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