- Entertainment and Media
50 More Things You Did Not Know About Zombies
Did you know....
My first 50 Things About Zombies went really well so I was approached a few times to do a follow up. Being that zombies are so elusive I had to consider the ups and downs of the article. The ups being some more traffic here and recognition for my work. The downs would be the zombie unions discovering my work and trust me a zombie lawyer is the worse kind of lawyer!
I figured what the heck, I would attempt a follow up article and see what I could discover in the mind of the zombie. It was tedious and I almost got myself bit a few times, once or twice by zombies and once by the little old lady down the road with all the cats. I have come out alive and well versed in the often silly nature of the zombie, so lets see what we got here.
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- A zombie will indeed look up your towel at your Mick Jagger Mouth. This can be a disturbing experience but one that is sure to occur when showering in the presence of zombies.
- Zombiecrombie and Filth is the leading designer of top notch clothes for the zombie trendsetter. They make a line of clothes for the living as well that mysteriously smells like bacon.
- Zombies love bacon!
- A zombie KISS tribute band plays Kiss covers in the key of braiiiins.
- When crows gather we call it a murder, fish are called schools, wolves are known as packs. When zombies gather it is called a party!
- If a zombie baby is crying let it suck a thumb, any thumb will do but they prefer the thumbs of rich socialites.
- The average zombie will consume 3,000 boxes of nerds in a year.
- The average zombie will consume 30 actual nerds per year.
- If a zombie is mowing your yard don't worry about it the plants have it covered.
- If you see a zombie stuck in a slide point and laugh.
- Zombie ninjas are standing right behind you.
- If you think a cat on a hot tin roof is funny you should see a zombie on a hot tin roof.
- Zombies view the whole world in HD. Sadly like typical TV there is never nothing on. This may be why thay are so mad.
- A zombie freshman will not sing I'm A Little Teapot.
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick... but zombies will still run him down, eat his brains and take his candlestick.
- When no one is looking zombies totally gangnam style.
- Elves were way to expensive this year so Santa hired zombie labor. They work for meat and never sleep so he got a lot of work done, of course when little Susy got a finger instead of a doll there was some concern at his decision making skills these days.
- Zombie chickens is a sure fire sign you have zombie rednecks in the area. These types of zombies general shoot themselves in the head but to sway them simply make insults about Nascar.
- Zombies encourage you to never visit Tijuana.
- Zombie delis sell the most frightful coldcuts. The prices are good but who the hell wants to eat another person... OK so one time I went in there and wasn't paying attention..... well a little attention.
- Zombies steal your yugioh cards.
- A swollen madula oblongata is why zombies are so aggressive.
- Zombie Jamaicans will smoke all your pot, and your newspaper, and your CD collection, hell really just about anything.
- Zombies totally dig REO Speedwagon and can often be heard singing "Keep on eating you" as opposed to loving you. They think this is hilarious.
- Zombies will beat your ass at Mortal Kombat but have no grasp on Street Fighter.
So we are half way through this list. Has anyone been infected? Good, hate to have to off one of you guys. Zombies are peculiar in their actions. Ever notice if you give a zombie a gun they fire with no intent on hitting anything, but give them a rock and they will mess you up. These are the things that keep me motivated.
Looking at the zombie sub culture I find it appalling that some zombies have resorted to ignoring their instinct and started eating veggies. I can't even tolerate a human who does this, yet alone a dead thing! Well enough ranting, to the list!
The second part of the list
26. Zombies are not a renewable source of energy. This was tried and the outcome was both messy and smelly.
27. If your zombie girlfriend nags to much it is perfectly acceptable to shoot her in the head.
28. Zombies love Spiderman comics, particular those drawn by Jack Kirby.
29. Tonto was originally a zombie. He never understood how the Lone Ranger was lone when he traveled with a zombie named Tonto.
30. Even a zombie cannot resist the urge to strut every time it hears Superstition by Stevie Wonder.
31. Zombie monkeys are creepy. This just goes without saying. I don't feel an explanation is needed as to why little scrawny, bug eyed, smell like old people on a hot day, drools like a lobotomised porn star, walks with that creepy limp, and makes noises reminiscent of the frat party were mysteriously your friend Harry lost two of his teeth, gained a tattoo of Miss Piggy, ate all the ice cream and still managed to wake up in time to go to work the next day... wait what just happened here? Anyways, zombie monkeys are creepy.
32. An apple a day can in fact keep a zombie away... if you throw it hard enough.
33. Zed Bush, a famous zombie politician, and let's face it aren't they all, once helped fix an election for his brother. Of course the brother did not zombie so well and all his brain cells were pronounced dead at the scene.
34. George Romero's films have spanned decades and continue to rock the zombie world. Pam Andersons films have spanned 12 inches and well let's just say rocked other worlds.
35. Korean Scotts hate zombies.
36. Zombies hate Hank Williams JR. They despise him so much.
37. There are way to many zombies in the law enforcement profession.
38. Bath salts get you clean, not turn you into zombies. Watching "The Office" on the other hand will in fact turn you into a zombie.
39. Even zombies refuse to give that monster tree fiddy.
40. Zombies do not like for Halloween to be called pedophile Christmas. It upsets them in ways only a swift bite to the throat can solve.
41. Zombies ate my neighbor, God bless them. The zombies not my neighbor. Being devoured by the undead serves the drunk idiot well.
42. Zombies will fan the crap out of Hubpages on Facebook
43. Zombies like crackers but only saltines.
44. Zombies who eat potato chips are the weirdest of zombies. They can't eat just one and they always hog the bag.
45. Zombies have no difficulty with a Rubix cube, but give them a crossword puzzle and watch the rage ensue.
46. Zombie sheep are still adorable.
47. Never play beyblade with a zombie, it will not bold well for you.
48. All zombies play WOW online, for hours.
49. Every zombie keeps an autographed picture of David Hasselhoff, except German zombies who have seen enough of his ugly mug and opt for a photo of Miley Cyrus eating a bagel.
50. Zombies are awesome, nuff said!