60 Dad Jokes and Puns you'll wish you hadn't shared on social media
60 Cracking Dad Jokes and Puns
Dad Jokes and Puns you can share on social media
I'm always looking for jokes to share every day on my Twitter, Facebook, Google + and Linked In accounts and I thought it was about time I put some of the best (or is that worst) together for you. Please feel free to copy and share on.
I'll list some of the good places to mine for jokes a little further down.
WARNING! I'm not taking any responsibility for your family disowning you or losing all your friends if you share this stuff!
1. Bear walks into a bar
What'll it be?
A ... ... ... ... beer please
Why the huge pause?
Dunno. Had 'em since I was a kid
2. Why is milk the fastest liquid?
Because it's pasteurised before you see it.
3. I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...
It only made it more sluggish.
4. To the person who invented Zero, thanks for nothing.
5. Glass coffins - will they catch on?
Remains to be seen.
6. Comatose: when your feet go to sleep.
7. What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
8. 19 and 20 got in a fight. 21
9. 1 1 was a racehorse. 2 2 was 1 2. 1 1 1 1 race. 2 2 1 1 2
10. Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
“My pain may be the reason for somebody's laugh.
But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody's pain.”
― Charles Chaplin
Why is watching soccer in Warsaw so terrible? There is always a Pole in front of you.
What's your favourite kind of joke?
11. When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked “Are you two an item?”
12. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
13. My girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.
14. I have the attention of a goldfish. It's been watching me for several minutes now.
15. 7 million people overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
16. I wouldn't see my chiropractor because I thought he was a quack.But he put me straight on that.
17. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
18. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
19. Some people say filling animals with helium is wrong. But I say whatever floats your goat.
20. I've just written a book on voyeurism. It's a peeping tome.
21. I was going to be a vegetarian, but realised that would be a big missedsteak.
22. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
23. Thinking of hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
Let me know If you can't come.
24. How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
25. What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs?
26. What's the best way to make pants last? Make the jacket first.
27. 80% of Americans think that actually Europe is the stupidest country.
28. What did the Buffalo say when it's kid left for school? Bison.
29. Dog in pub, "pint of bitter please."
Barman, "That's amazing you should be in the circus."
Dog, "why, do they need a plumber.”
Don't do this at home
And yet more jokes...
30. I burnt 1500 calories yesterday. Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.
31. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
32. Is it wrong to give a pony antibiotics because it's a little hoarse?
33. I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui, but oh how the tables have turned.
34. The Invisible man and invisible woman make a great couple but the kids are not much to look at.
35. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
36. Where do you find Dragon milk? From a cow with short legs.
37. I went to the zoo the other day, it was empty except for one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
38. I thought I saw an optician on an island off Alaska, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
39. Dyslexic South Africans are still laying flowers outside Nissan Main Dealers.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”— Anthony Burgess
Keep going its nearly over...
40. If it wasn't for the war we'd all be speaking German, I pondered as I loaded my Aldi shopping bags into my Audi.
41. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around.
42. What do you call a girl who you set fire to because she owes you money? Bernadette.
43. Why should you stand in a corner when you are cold? Because corners are 90 degrees.
44. What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any kind. Buildings can't jump.
45. Woman at food fair: “Why is this cake more expensive than your other cake?” Stall holder: "That's Madeira cake."
46. The Low Self Esteem group will meet Thursday 12:30pm. Please use the back door.
47. How many short term memory loss patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.
48. Hear the one about the amateur metal-detector bloke who wore steel toe-capped boots? He was just finding his feet.
49. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
50. A dog walks in to a telegraph office.
He goes up to the counter and asks to send a message. It reads "woof, woof, woof." The lady says you know, for the same price, you could add another woof.
The dog gives her a confused look and says "but that would make no sense!"
Tim Vine - Master of the one liner
Places to find good (and bad) jokes
Reddit have an excellent joke community and I'd like to credit their contributors for some of these jokes.
British comedian Tim Vine is a master of one liners and puns.
Twitter is a good source of jokes. I follow @WowSoPunny who is always good value.
Pinterest is a great source of images with jokes and puns.
You can also follow me on Twitter for a daily dose of bad Dad Jokes and puns - @johnnypgood
Just when you thought it was over...
51. Overheard on the train: "yeah, Scampi is my favourite Disney film."
52. Twitter dating service for hirsute women: #TashHag
53. Monks sleep in dormitories and sometimes lay brothers.
54. In the winter, fish swim around in shawls.
55. Placenta: a place where you leave your kids when you go shopping.
56. Famous cartoonist found dead. Details are sketchy.
57. Who was the fattest Night of the Round Table? Sir Cumference.
58. New University Degree in Dietetics. 3 year sandwich course.
59. My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
60. Reintarnation: coming back from the dead as a Hillbilly.
What's your favourite Dad Joke or Pun?
If would like to confess to having a really bad joke that you always tell your kids new boyfriend/girlfriend or that you sickeningly regurgitate at the dinner table or that just tickles your fancy then please share in the comments. You know you need to.