50 of the Best Blonde Jokes
The 50 Best Dumb Blonde Jokes You Will Ever Hear
Who doesn't love dumb blonde jokes? Well, I guess some blondes might not appreciate them very much.
Anyway, these are 50 of the funnies dumb blonde jokes I've known. Some were told to me, some were emailed to me, and some I just found on the internet. I assure you that you will be laughing by the end of this least, or at least shaking your head sadly.
*DISCLAIMER* I know plenty of smart blondes. This is just supposed to be funny. No offense intended!
What color hair do you have?
Did you hear about that blonde who...
1. Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
2. Put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. Tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
4. Sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. Tried to drown a fish.
6. Thought a quarterback was a refund.
7. Got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
8. Tripped over a cordless phone..
9. Took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
10. Asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
11. Studied for a blood test.
12. Thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
13. Heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
14. Missed the 44 bus, so she took the 22 bus twice instead.
15. Went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", so she turned and went home.
16. Almost killed her toy poodle when she tried to insert batteries.
17. Locked herself in a car.
18. Returned a scarf to the store because it was too tight.
19. Finished a puzzle in 6 months, when the box said "2-4 years".
20. Forgot the recipe for ice cubes.
21. Never realized she could play AM radio at night.
22. Got stuck halfway up an escalator.
23. Never learned to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
24. Put a kickstand on her tricycle.
25. Called me to ask for my phone number.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'"
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'"
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, 'This is going to make a loud noise.' So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
If you don't get it at first, read it through again.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
A blonde pushes her car into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," he said.
Thoroughly confused, the blonde asked, "How often do I have to do that?"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde said to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turned and said "Halloo, can you see Florida?????"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more... She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
Then the doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Blonde on the Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked, "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
A Blonde, called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows". The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Living or Dead?
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead. They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming. The redhead goes first. She makes it a quarter of the way then drowns. The brunnette goes second. She makes it one third of the way then drowns. The blonde comes last. She makes it three fourths of the way, gets tired and then turns back.
Blonde in a Rowboat
There was a dumb blonde out on a rowboat one day in the middle of a wheat field. Then another dumb blonde drives by and yells to the one in a rowboat, "It's people like you that give us a bad name!! You're rowing it the wrong way!!"
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "true/false" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - false for Heads and true for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But, " she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual.
"If you need anything just let me know" says the boss. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" Sally breaks down in tears.
"I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
A blonde walks into an electronic store and asks the manager, "Can I buy that TV"
"Because your a blonde."
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, "Can I buy that TV?"
"Your a blonde."
So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, "Can I buy that TV?"
"You're a blonde"
"How can you tell I'm a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!"
"Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave!"
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world" and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world" and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think..." and it sucked her in.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
There was three blondes stranded on an island far, far away. They saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank you very much ladies". the genie said, just for that I will grant you all one wish and one wish only, so all three blondes were happy.
The first blonde said I want to be rich and have a big mansion with a big swimming pool," poof", she was gone having a good time.
The second blonde said, I want to be a millionaire and own a plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the world, ' poof", she was of with her husband having a good time.
Then the third blonde was so sad. And the genie asked, "what is wrong?", the blonde said, you know what I wish, "I wish my friends were back here with me", and "poof", there they are, back together again.
One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears. The doctor asked what happened. She said, "I was ironing and the
phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake."
"What happened to the other ear?" the doctor asked.
"They called back."
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What's your favorite joke? Do you have any other jokes? Let me know!