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6 Products to Keep You Alive After the Apocalypse

Updated on April 23, 2012

The end is nigh!

The national debt is bloated like a pregnant hippo, the price of gas is climbing like your fat Uncle Ted on the StairMaster, and packs of hipsters roam the Earth, their horn-rimmed spectacles a harbinger of untold misery and woe.

We thought we were safe from the inevitable, what with our precious science and modern ways, but oh how we were wrong! Those half-crazed dudes with sandwich boards tried to warn us, to show us our future plight so that we might prepare ourselves, but we ignored them, and now they are gone, retired to the Bahamas now that their investments have paid off...

But don't despair! Here are six items you need to survive the End of Days!

Almost as good as the Ginsu Claymore; Y'know, for cutting through tanks.
Almost as good as the Ginsu Claymore; Y'know, for cutting through tanks. | Source

Your Weapon: Gerber Apocalypse Survival Kit

For all your slashing, slicing, and dicing needs, the Gerber Apocalypse Survival Kit is the ultimate in sharp pointy things your mommy said you couldn't play with when you were five. Each kit includes, “3 knives, 2 machetes, 1 parang and an axe all rolled up in a durable canvas carrying case.”

It's like a party in your chopping block, and amputations are the ice breaker! Don't know how to fight with blades? Forget about it! Just put one in your teeth and pretend! The site markets these babies as tools for taking down zombies, but even in a regular apocalypse, they can be the difference between dying and dying looking like a badass.

“We used to have a drive-in, but they closed it when the owner was melted by atomic fire.”
“We used to have a drive-in, but they closed it when the owner was melted by atomic fire.” | Source

Your Survival Kit: “The Package”

Ominous sounding, isn't it? “The Package” is your go-to kit for Granddad's apocalypse, back when those lousy commies were set to bathe us all in radiation and Castro beards. Offered by, “The Package” comes complete with your own Geiger counter, Thyrosafe brand anti-radiation iodine pills, and several manuals on how to survive and stay safe in the atomic wasteland you once called your neighborhood.

The Cold War may be over, but the threat of radiation-induced terror certainly is not. With large amounts of the ex-Soviet Union's nuclear material playing hide and seek, it can only be a matter of time before some of it ends up in the wrong hands, and from there, spread liberally over the American heartland, exposing our dear Miss Iowa to dangerous amounts of radiation and mutating her into a horrific, 50-foot monster fueled on corn, unfair beauty standards, and the knowledge that she will never win another pageant so long as she can be aired in “Green Giant” commercials.

But no one cares about Iowa, and thanks to “The Package,” you still won't have to, because you'll be too busy playing X-box and scarfing down Twinkies, the only other survivor of human civilization.

Tactical Sammich: When you've prepared for everything, except lunch.
Tactical Sammich: When you've prepared for everything, except lunch. | Source

Your Food Supply: Tactical Sammich

Picture this scene: You've survived the chemical warfare exposure thanks to your quick action and prior planning, but so have you religious cult neighbors. They need a sacrifice to keep Mr. Fuzzums, the stray cat they are convinced is corporeal incarnation of their goddess, Mami Wata, appeased. You've boarded up your doors and windows, safe for the moment inside your home, when hunger strikes. Days later, your zealot neighbors finally break into your suburban home-turned-fortress, and finding you week with famine, capture you with ease.

If only you had packed a few Tactical Sammiches, by ThinkGeek.

Take your pick from either Pepperoni or Honey BBQ Beef. These little pseudo-burritos come packed with nutrition and weigh less than four ounces! And with each Sammich only 300 calories apiece, you can fight off cultists and maintain your girlish figure! You can even use the packaging as a makeshift toilet when your bowels mutiny, causing Tactical Diarrhea!

She would have been okay with it, if you hadn't insisted on wearing it to bed.
She would have been okay with it, if you hadn't insisted on wearing it to bed. | Source

Your Power Plant: Voltaic OffGrid Solar Backpack

Like having electricity, but tired of lugging that heavy diesel generator around town? Want to do your part for the environment without going back to the stone age? Now you can survive and keep Mother Earth happy with the Voltaic OffGrid Solar Backpack, to hold your stuff while simultaneously ensuring that even though you are the last man on Earth, you'll still be a virgin.

Made from recycled soda bottles, this pack has a 17” interior laptop pocket, a special pocket for your phone and other gadgets, and 1500 cubic inches of space mean you don't have to choose between your stack of vintage Marvel comics or the DVD box set of Firefly! Pack both and still have room for your Star Wars collectables! Zip up side pocket allows for easy storage of small items, like asthma inhalers or allergy pills.

With an output of anywhere from six to 12 volts, you can charge up most electronics in just a few hours, so now you don't have to miss out on all your friend's Twitter updates just because the power grid went down.

“Toolboxes are for pansies.” - Inventor of the Giant Knife, shortly before gut punching a Tyrannosaur.
“Toolboxes are for pansies.” - Inventor of the Giant Knife, shortly before gut punching a Tyrannosaur. | Source

Your Tools: Wenger Giant Swiss Army Knife

As a survivor of the apocalypse, you will need tools to help the rebuilding effort, and to maintain your own shelter from the forces of nature. However, only the most rugged of men (or women, as the case may be), will be able to endure the grueling wasteland left over after the fall of civilization. Just as not any old human being will be tough enough to repopulate the Earth, not just any toolkit will be enough to rebuild it.

Enter the Wenger “Giant Knife”, a Swiss Army Knife so large it proves the Swiss are compensating for something. Packed to the brim with every tool known to man, this baby can do anything from scaling a fish to tightening screws to giving onlookers a raging jealousy boner!

When in danger, the whole package can be wielded as a make-shift club, ensuring blunt-force trauma and an entertaining story to tell around the camp fire. It even has not one, but two key chain rings to allow easy carry, provided your keys were meant for giants. Buyer beware: May make running from attackers difficult.

He's a grizzly veteran; and a grizzly bear.
He's a grizzly veteran; and a grizzly bear. | Source

Your Mental Health Aid

You've got your weapons now, sharp blades of death ready for combat. You have a safety kit to keep you healthy and free of radiation, and you can keep yourself fed with the Tactical Sammich. Thanks to the solar powered backpack, basic conveniences of modern life are only a charge away, and the Giant Knife will keep your make-shift shelter sturdy and weatherproof. It would seem that all of the hurdles you could possibly face have been noted, prepared for, and rendered moot.

After checking off all the external threats to your survival, it's easy to forget that some hardships come from the inside- namely, your mind. What will happen when you realize you're all alone, that no one is coming to rescue you and that everyone you've ever known is probably dead? How will you build up the mental reserves to carry on, without breaking down into a ball of teary dispair?

Meat the Combat Teddy Bear, available on for just $35.99! Protect your sanity and prove to yourself you are not alone! What he lacks in machine wash-ability, he makes up for in fierce determination, and if you sew in a tape recorder, you can pretend he talks back!

Those little beady eyes have seen far worse things than you can imagine, and that soft, warm fur is perfect for crying into when you just can't take anymore! Let it all out, little soldier; Major Bearington will keep you safe now.


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    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      All right all right - I love your style. Love the hub - you're clever, funny and smart! Great job - I'm impressed and I love good humor!

    • profile image

      Jhudah 5 years ago

      very funny and i like that solar back pack lol. the mental health aid works for mr. bean.