9 Reasons to Be An Evil Villain When You Grow Up
Choose Your Destiny
Have you been looking for a few good reasons to become an evil mastermind? Are you already a supervillain? In honor of recently publishing my 90th hub, I feel that it is necessary to write a top 9 list. I could probably write 90 reasons why you should become an evil villain, but even my mother would stop reading after 58 reasons or so.
Personally, I feel it is very important that the world and the universe continue to have evil villains. Not only do they balance out all that ghastly goodness floating around out there, their presence ensures that heroes don't get too soft, sitting around with nothing to do.
That is why I am sharing 9 reasons why you should forget about becoming a doctor or a lawyer, an astronaut or a police officer. Nine. Because nine is just one of those numbers that annoys people, since it isn't quite ten. One of the many fun things you too can do, once you become a villain...
Famous Villains and Overlords
Need a role model? Check out these baddies for some inspiration:
- Darth Vader
- Lord Voldemort
- Lex Luthor
- The Joker
- Nurse Ratched
- Ursula the Sea Witch
1. Anyone Can Be An Evil Villain
One of the biggest attractions of evil villainship is that it requires little to no formal education. Anyone of any age can simply decide to be an evil villain. Whether or not they succeed depends on how hard they are willing to work.
Some villains never climb to the top. They will never be a master villain. They will never be an Evil Overlord. They will remain minions, henchmen, goons, and expendable secondary characters. Occasionally they can work towards other positions of power, such as second-in-command, or evil adviser.
There is no specific set of educational guidelines for this job. The person only needs to show a willingness to be bad, an ability to learn, a knack for not getting killed, and proper respect for those who can kill them telepathically.
2. Bad Guys Are Smarter
This doesn't apply to ALL evil villains. Many of the minions and goons mentioned above probably won't be passing any really touch IQ tests.
However, those who achieve the title of Master Villain are always smarter. Sometime during their career they will amass a well-rounded education and learn how to quote incredibly long pieces of literature. This is a prerequisite for ruling the universe.
The result is that not only are they better at their job, they can carry on long, witty, one-sided conversations against a hero who has, at best, all the class of a cart horse. A large portion of a villain's job includes skewering their opponents with well chosen verbal weaponry.
This should always be done with class, elegance, and an expression that clearly communicates that they LOVE their job. So, if you want to be classy and elegant while verbally eviscerating people you dislike, consider evil villain to be the job for you.
Are You Read To Be a Super Villain?
3. Villains Have the Best Wardrobe
From custom suits in outrageous colors, to leather corsets designed to distract the hero- from capes to high heels, those who work as villains are known for having the BEST wardrobe.
Plus, there are no rules about what you can and cannot wear. Villains appear in a variety of outfits. Sometimes they like to stand out in the crowd, and sometimes they prefer to blend in with the masses.
However, if you are going to BE a bad guy, and you are going to have all that power...might as well wear what you want. You are free to express yourself. After all, if you are bad enough, no one is going to DARE criticize your choice of pants.
4. Villains Are Rolling In Dough
They must be. Have you ever seen a high-powered movie villain sit down and check the family finances before deciding if he can build a time machine or space ship or Death Star or incredibly complex weapons facility?
Take a look at the bad guys in James Bond films. When have they ever said:
"Well, I would like to build this laser that could destroy most of the planet. It will be about seven stories tall, powered by diamonds and located on my own private island. BUT...we really need to buy groceries this week..."
That is because bad guys are either really, really rich, or they have very generous sponsors. If you want funding for a diamond powered laser or an army of orcs to benefit the world,try finding someone to contribute a cent.
Bad is the way to go here. Plus, you get all the perks, like a cool cars or space ships, the most futuristic weapons, and about 10,000 people who call you boss.
5. Everybody Knows the Bad Guy
When you are the hero/heroine of a film (or book), you are often unrecognized. The good guys usually have to introduce themselves to people several times.
"Hi, my name is Tim, and I am the good guy who plans to bring X bad guy to his knees."
A villain walks into the room, and suddenly, people who have never seen this character before start cleaning off chairs and offering to buy him or her a few drinks.
Although there are no rock-solid statistics on this subject, it is widely accepted that only five people remember the good guy's name:
- The love interest
- The side-kick
- A bill collector or bounty hunter
- The good guy
- The bad guy's adviser
Sometimes, if they have had enough skirmishes, the villain will know the hero's name without having to be reminded. The same goes for the hero's mother.
Therefore, it only stands to reason that if you want the recognition you deserve, you won't waste your talents in a mediocre role. Be the bad guy, and be famous.
6. Villains Are Sexier, and They Know How to Use It
This is one of the job perks.Villains who achieve master level, or who go on to become complete overlords/ladies are going to be on the cover of every supermarket tabloid.
You will make the cover of People magazine. You will be hounded by adoring fans. You will get really weird letters and Tweets about how someone wants to lick poison from your boots just so they can die at your feet.
And it doesn't really matter what you look like. Anyone can achieve sexy villain status. The uniform and seductive nature of your every-expanding vocabulary will help with this. And the unlimited riches, of course.
Cons of Being an Evil Villain
Here is a brief overview of some valid cons you should consider before choosing this career path. It isn't all sunshine and roses on the Dark Side, you know.
- This is a 24/7 job. No vacation. Few health benefits.
- You will attract a crazy stalker that is obsessed with killing or overthrowing you.
- Not the best position of you want to have a family.
- People will try to kill your family daily just to make you come out of hiding.
- You will often pay dues: such as training incompetent henchmen
- You will always have one adversary that is just as powerful. And he/she will NEVER die.
- You aren't allowed to cry at sad films
- It can be very hard to find a trustworthy best friend
7. Bad Guys Don't Die
Everlasting life isn't guaranteed with this job. However, you will be allotted a number of extra lives every year to use carefully. As long as you don't use them all up in one fight scene, you can extend your badness for eons.
Do keep in mind that it is very rare to find a good guy who can be killed at all. But you can injure them multiple times. Their sidekicks, best friends, love interests, soldiers, family members, and pets can all be killed, though.
Part of your uniform/suit/costume may include a gun that holds an endless supply of bullets or a sword that cannot be broken. As the bad guy, your getaway vehicle will always be kept in perfect shape. The good guy's mode of transportation will probably malfunction, die, run away, crash, or stall at some point.
As for you yourself, you may, as a villain, be able to survive multiple gun shot wounds, stabbings, poisonings, fall,crashes, drownings, burns, explosions, and blunt force traumas. You may even be able to withstand telekinetic and telepathic assaults, as well as a host of supernatural powers.
Your ability to remain alive will depend on how bad you really are. If you are still at minion level, you will be more vulnerable. For the most part, there are two things you can do to endanger your own life as a bad guy: show any form of mercy or emotion or boast about your skills.
Be bad, but be humble. You will live longer.
8. Evil Villains Can Get Away With Murder
Literally and figuratively. You see something, you want it...you just take it. As a villain, you have an undisputed right to seize anything you see, including, but not limited to:
- Really nice ink pens
- Chocolate glazed doughnuts
- The last cold soda
- Someone elses love interest
- Magical books
- Secret codes
Good guys are generally allowed to take only what they need to survive, and then they have to return it or repay it in some fashion if they are victorious. No one expects you to return squat, because you are the bad guy.
Plus, you are allowed to just do randomly mean things for no good reason. You aren't committing a crime. You are displaying your power. It is all in the wording.
And no one tells a villain to go to their room if they throw a tantrum. Villains are free binge on a whole bag of potato chips and get crumbs on the rug. They don't have to wash their hands after the use the restroom. They don't have to leave a tip.
And if you throw a tantrum, everyone else runs to their room. Quaking with fear, of course.
9. Bad Guys Have All the Fun
Or at least bad guys have the best fun. Villains have the type of fun that doesn't have rules attached.
Villains get to drive fast, harass their enemies, flirt without shame, and wreak havoc on the universe. All without having to make a single apology.
Being a villain can be an exciting opportunity for anyone who considers themselves ruthless. It is a highly competitive career choice that can take you all the way to the top. Lets recap what you get:
- Freedom to improvise
- Unlimited funds
- Adoring fans
- Tools and equipment
- Fantastic clothes
- Recognition and fame
All you have to do is show up for work every day. And guess what? You are a villain. You don't have to show up on time.
So what are you waiting for? Don't aspire for a job with no glamour. Don't settle for an office when you can rule the world. Your minions are waiting.
Be your own destiny. Be a Super Villain.