A Girl’s Guide: On Sexting Guys

I’ve written this guide for all the young girls, who have been incorrectly sexting guys for far too long. I’ve written this guide because I want to correct them. NEVER EVER send a guy any photo of any part of your body. Send him these suggestions instead. So girls, read on and take some notes because this is how you sext.

When you get this request from a guy he wants to see a photo of your vagina. Pussy is a derogatory term for vagina. When you get this request, text him a photo of a cat with the words “here’s my pussy”. If you don’t have a cat to take a photo of then you can find one by doing a google image search for “cat”. If you really want to mess with him then don’t send a photo right away. Instead, reply to his request with “would you like to see my pussy wet or dry?” This is a rhetorical question because we know that his response will be “wet would be nice” but it’s a necessary question to get his response and to get him excited at the prospect of receiving a wet pussy pic. Once you get his response then text him a photo of a wet cat with the words “here’s my wet pussy”.

When a guy requests a photo but he doesn’t specify on what to send a photo of then just send him a photo of a monkey with the words “here’s my cousin”. Monkeys are our cousins so technically you won’t be lying. I believe this because my Uncle Joey is a gorilla.

When a guy requests this he wants to see a sexy photo of you. The correct way to respond to this is to send him a photo of a sexy man (a photo of Johnny Depp would suffice) with the words “if you looked this good then I would send you a sexy pic of me but unfortunately you don’t so sorry”.

When a guy texts this he wants to see a photo of your vagina. It’s another way to ask for a pussy pic. Monkey is another derogatory term for pussy. When you get this request just text him a photo of an actual monkey with the words “here’s my monkey”.

When a guy texts this he wants to see a photo of your breasts. When you get this request, start cooking dinner, cook chicken breasts, place a dinner plate on the table, place two chicken breasts on the plate, and then take a photo of your meal. Text him the photo with the words “here’s my breasts”.

When a guy requests to see a photo of you naked there are actually two ways you can handle this: The first way is to do a google image search for “ugly fat naked man” and text him one of the results with “here’s something naked” and the second way is to text him a photo of a sexy naked man with the words “if you looked this good then I would send you a photo of me but unfortunately you don’t so sorry”.

When a guy requests to see a photo of you in a bikini, get his mailing address and inform him that you would prefer to mail it to him old school. Once you have his mailing address mail him a shot glass with a photo of a bikini on it, a bottle of vodka and a note that says “Here’s your bikini shot! Drink up! The good thing about vodka is if you drink enough then you will start seeing something in a bikini but it might not be what you want to see because you can’t always trust a bottle of vodka.”

When a guy requests to see a photo of your entire body, go to google and do a google image search for “dead body”. Find a fake photo that looks like a real dead body and text it to him with the words “here’s my body shot. This was my last victim. Yes, I’m a serial killer. If you text back then you will be my next victim.” This is also an excellent way to get rid of him.

When a guy requests to see a photo of your ass there are actually two ways you can handle this: The first way is to text him a photo of a donkey with the words “here’s my ass” and the second way is to text him a photo of any current or former U.S. President (it doesn’t matter which one because they’re all pretty much assholes) with the words “here’s an ass”.

I’m going to end this article with some good advice. If you’re ever invited to meet the President of the United States take some toilet paper with because when we were kids we were taught to wipe our asses after shit came out of it therefore it would be appropriate to wipe the President’s mouth after every time he spoke.