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A Message From Saul - Santa's Yiddish Elf

Updated on September 24, 2016
Dan W Miller profile image

"The Vanilla Godzilla" was raised in Ventura County, California. A USN veteran, divorced, with grandkids, living in Phoenix since 2000.

Saul is disgruntled, disenchanted and now he's involuntarily disenrolled from Santa's 401K and employee health plan.
Saul is disgruntled, disenchanted and now he's involuntarily disenrolled from Santa's 401K and employee health plan.

Saul let's you in on where he's broadcasting from.

Saul is relaxing with the Victoria's Secret girls and a cup of uh "hot cocoa" at The North Pole... Strip Club.
Saul is relaxing with the Victoria's Secret girls and a cup of uh "hot cocoa" at The North Pole... Strip Club.

Santa (and Santa, Inc.) doesn't want any frivolous lawsuits.

Originally heard as a loose script with host Suzzanne Monk from Dan W. Miller's weekly guest spot on "The Monk Junkett with Suzzanne Monk" from award-winning New Dissident

December 2010 (Lead in:) Not a happy elf at all! Learned to work "the system" and hates big international corporations. That's Saul. Not satisfied with his treatment from "The Big Guy" (and besides being just an angry little man,) Saul, the equal opportunity Santa's elf, was hired by Santa, Inc. in spite of his somewhat privileged attitude. He's hoping to cash in on any prejudicial slip up within Santa's organization that may be misinterpreted or misconstrued towards our Yiddish elf. He's up on all the latest statistics, current events as he's bound and determined to milk some kind of lawsuit out of jolly ol' St. Nick and his organization.

Saul speaks with host Suzzanne Monk live via phone

Hello and greetings from "The North Pole!" Dan W. Miller can't be here today because he's serving his community service time as a store Santa in Wal-Mart. That's worse than a jail sentence in my book. OY!

My name is Saul and I work for Santa and his "North Pole Industries" as an elf. The actual title is "Administrative Assistant." That's the generic word for some poor schlameel that works in an office, like me, who must do what ever the boss tells you to do.

Right now I'm not in Antarctica at the North Pole. I'm actually at a strip club in New Jersey called, "The North Pole." This is the only place I feel wanted and sexy. These dancers REALLY DO desire a three and half foot tall, balding overweight elf in a green Peter Pan suit. You see, I've been suspended by that jolly HO HO HO of a bum for having a (quote) "attitude." Can ya imagine that?

After watching "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," I'd noticed there were no employees of Jewish persuasion among the elves. I lobbied for a Jewish elf with Santa's "North Pole Industries" immediately and landed the job.

O.K. O.K. I threatened to sue them, actually. But after a week of working in those deplorable conditions, of course, I began to complain. Like, I demanded that I receive 12 days off with pay for Hanukkah. Also, I wasn't hired to scoop up reindeer poop. It's all there in my contract. It's still in litigation with my legal peeps.

If you were to say that I'm taking advantage of this overblown political correctness that is in our society now, I would have to say, "Yup! So, what are ya gonna do about it? Sue me?" In fact I could sue you if you made statements to me like that alone, so watch it, buster!

But hey, enough about me. How are YOU doin'?

The holiday presents have come early for some states. The new census figures are out. 308.7 million (accounted for) people are in the U.S.! It looks like Nevada, Arizona and Texas (in that order) get the biggest prize of all. In ten years Nevada's population has increased by a whopping 35%, Arizona 25% and Texas 9%. All usually Republican controlled states.

This means they each get to add a delegate in the House of Representatives and wield more power in the next election. Florida can really mess up more elections in the future when they get to add two delegates. Poor ol' New York and Ohio lose one each.

Those poor "Rust-Belt states" really took a hit, especially Michigan who lost 0.6% of their population. I didn't see any statistics for our 51st state, Mexico. They HAD to have lost people. They're all here in the U.S.! A full 1/3 of the states are not represented correctly at this moment. Fortunately, I'm represented by a crack legal team that is gonna eat that smug Santa and his corporation alive like they were chum-bait for sharks... or lawyers... same thing.

But talk about a great holiday giving story, 48 billionaires worldwide have donated over $200 billion to charities through "The Giving Pledge." It's an organization that has given more money to charities than the six leading charitable organizations combined by over 400%. I think they donate out of guilt.

Funny how these billionaires had to have this organization up and running and only then did they shell out maybe .05% of their total wealth to people less fortunate. A little prodding, a little guilt, a little tax break and BOOM they're in! Amazing. But the real good guy is CEO of AOL, Steve Case who has been doing this kind of thing on his own since 1997. He won't get a lump of coal in his stocking.

But that's O.K. I know that very rich people only get visits from "Ghosts of Christmas Future." Hmm, I wonder who Jewish billionaires buddies and lawyers are visited by on Christmas Eve. Maybe by their accountant.

So if you ever need me, "Boss Santa," I'll be right here in the warm "North Pole" off I-17 in the Wal-Mart strip mall. I have another, easier gig as Dan's elf to his Santa in the store. I'm on my lunch hour right now so move please and let the dancing girls in their holiday red underwear come sit on my lap. I have a severance check from Santa, inc. to spend!

Dan W. Miller

Saul's impression of CEO Santa.
Saul's impression of CEO Santa.

Comments about The Giving Pledge?

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    • Dan W Miller profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan W Miller 

      3 years ago from the beaches of Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      I will now. Thanks. Find me on facebook, too.

    • Dan W Miller profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan W Miller 

      3 years ago from the beaches of Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      I HAVE. MADTV was the counter to SNL. Oh, I watch any and all comedy. How 'bout the animated Rudolph to Full Metal Jacket

    • Robert Sacchi profile image

      Robert Sacchi 

      3 years ago

      Did you ever see the Mad TV skit, "Raging Rudolph"?

    • Dan W Miller profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan W Miller 

      3 years ago from the beaches of Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      Exactly, RS. Thought it would be also funny to make him bitter and disgruntled. Because who ever heard of a grumpy elf? thx, most apprecitive.

    • Robert Sacchi profile image

      Robert Sacchi 

      3 years ago

      Very funny. Such is 21st century America.

    • Dan W Miller profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan W Miller 

      5 years ago from the beaches of Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      Flattered and honored John! Thank you. Most of my popularity is via

      Facebook. I'm trying to get famous through the internet THEN by way of other social medias.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

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