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Read, Smile, Laugh
- The church organist, a spinster in her late eighties, was admired and loved by the entire community. One afternoon the pastor came over and she ushered him into the living room. She asked the clergyman to please have a seat while she prepared tea.
While waiting, he had an opportunity to examine her exquisite antique organ. While doing so, he couldn’t help but notice the expensive cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. As he admired the water filled glass bowl he was taken aback by the sight of a condom floating in the bowl.
About this time he heard the rattling of tea cups as the old lady was returning. The pastor, even with his years of experience, wasn’t sure how he would handle this unexpected situation, so for the meantime, he avoided the subject. But after five minutes of discussing Church matters, he could no longer hold his curiosity.
Mustering all of his courage he broached the subject by asking her where she got such a lovely bowl. “Oh, that,” she explained. “That was a Christmas gift from my sister. Isn’t it beautiful?” The Pastor agreed it certainly was, but pressed on.
“What’s that floating in the bowl,” he asked quizzically. The spinster explained she had found a small package on the ground while walking through the park several months ago. “The instructions on the package said to place it on the organ and it would prevent the spread of disease.” She said, “And, you know, I haven't had the flu all winter!"
Really Dumb Questions
- How come wrong numbers are never busy?
- Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and real lemons are put in dish washing liquid?
- What is daylight savings time, why are they saving it and where so they keep it?
- Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
- How do you get off a non-stop flight?
- How is zero written in Roman numerals?
One Crazy Psychiatrist
- During a visit to a mental institution, Dr. Jones, the facility Director and psychiatrist, was giving his guest Dr. Smith, also a psychiatrist, a tour of the facility. When Dr. Smith saw an orderly filling up several bathtubs with water, Dr. Smith asked what they were to be used for. "Well," Dr, Jones answered, "we fill up a bathtub with water and give the patient a teaspoon, teacup and a bucket. Then, we ask them to empty the water from the tub. "Oh, I see said,” said the visiting psychiatrist. "A normal person would choose the bucket because it’s larger than the other two." The Director looked at his guest in amazement. “Perhaps we should have you admitted as a patient,” he said. “Why is that,” asked Smith. Jones replied, “Because normal people usually just pull out the stopper.”
The Crisco Kid
- “Ralph,” a squirrely short man, was walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crisssco!” Soon a helpful clerk walks up and says, “Sir, the Crisco is over on the next aisle.” Ralph replies, “Oh, I'm not looking for the stuff you cook with. I'm looking for my wife. I know she's in here somewhere.” The amused clerk asks, “Your wife's name is Crisco?” “No,” the little guy answers. I only call her that out in public.” The bewildered clerk said, “OK, but what do you call her at home?” Ralph leans over close to the clerk and whispers “Lard ass.”
A wise Old Indian
- A 108 year old Indian was asked by a government official, "You’ve lived a long time and have witnessed many wars, scientific advances, progress and also damage the white man has done." The ancient Indian just nodded in agreement. Continuing, the official asked, "Considering everything you’ve seen, in your opinion, where did the white man make their mistakes?"
The old sage mulled the question over in his mind for a minute then calmly replied. "When the white man arrived, Indians were handling their own affairs quite nicely. There were no taxes, no debt, plenty of buffalo, beaver and clean water. Women did all the menial domestic chores and a visit to the medicine man was free. Our men spent the day hunting or fishing and they had sex all night long." Then the old Indian leaned back and with a toothless grin replied "Only a dumb white man would try and improve a system like that.
Rules for Guys'
Men always hear "the rules "for females. Now, here are the official rules for men:
- Men are not telepathic. Talk to us. Ask for what you want.
- The toilet seat: We need it up, you need it down.
- Crying is a form of blackmail. Don’t do that.
- Subtle, Strong, or obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Almost every question can be answered by a yes or no.
- Come to a guy for help fixing or making something only if you really need help. You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done. Not both.
- Anything a guy said 6 months ago is inadmissible in a court of law. A general rule of thumb is any comments we make become null and void after one week.
- Don't ask a guy if an item of clothing makes you look fat. If you have to ask, you are.
- Christopher Columbus didn’t have to stop and ask for directions and neither do any other guys.
- If a guy gets an itch, he scratches. Get over it.
- If a man ask what’s wrong and you answer "nothing," he will assume you are telling the truth and continue with whatever he was doing.
- When going somewhere, never ask if what you’re wearing is alright. Absolutely anything you wear is just fine.