Ali The Bachelorette ep 2: Let The Dating Begin
Frankly Dating in Dramaville
Frank received the news that he would be the first person to romance Ali on a one-on-one date. This can be tricky because that dude must get a rose or go home. Plus, those who have the first successful date often get ignored for like 3 weeks after.
Frank and Ali started the date in an old-school convertible, but someone forgot to give the car a tune-up, and they broke down on the side of the freeway. Frank didn’t exactly jump out of the car and check under the hood. What’s the point when you have producers scrambling to get you a cab?
The next stop on their date was Hollywood, where Ali got swarmed for autographs and photos. That was nice of people to pretend she’s a celebrity. Next, Frank & Ali hung out at the Hollywood sign. (There are signs on that fence that trespassers will be fined $109, so they hope they got permission). Frank waxed poetic about choosing love over career, and now he manages a retail store and writes on the side. Sounds like she’ll definitely have to get a job if she chooses him! Frank got the first (and second, fourteenth, fifteenth…) kiss.
The producers fixed the car and Ali and Frank took in the view of the city with some champagne. I wondered out loud, who is driving home? Ali told Frank, “There’s nothing, like, normal about you” which is her version of a compliment. Gee, thanks.
Ali expressed that she’s done playing games and she will be honest (or at least, as much as her contract allows) with the guys. Frank already has concerns about seeing Ali go out with other guys. Endearing or possessive at this stage? Either way, the first date was a success.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the Weatherman made the bold declaration that he has the best personality out of all the guys. If that’s true, yikes for Ali. Craig M decided it was a good time to insult anyone who would listen to him. He attacked Jesse for his tattoos (who cares?) and they almost got into a fistfight in the kitchen. Craig M was taunting Jesse about being young, but he was acting like a child on the playground. What a ridiculous fool.
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Ali took 12 of her favorite guys on a beach date in Malibu. Bit excessive? The worst part is that she chose Rated-R, who had to hobble up and down 100 stairs on his crutches and then try to walk in the sand. That’s just inconsiderate! The date consisted of a photo shoot for the “Sexy Guy” calendar for an unnamed charity. Awww, it’s just like Idol Gives Back, but with banana hammocks and blaring white man thigh!
The Weatherman took the biggest issue with the wardrobe. He bitched and moaned about having to wear the mankini because he has ugly legs and doesn’t have a huge schmekel. Steve, who has a surprisingly lovely body, tried to encourage him. Man pep talks are adorable.
Meanwhile, Ty was the man with a plan…and a guitar. He sang to Ali, and he thought she was seriously into the moment—I think she was seriously into getting a good picture. Later, at the wrap party (held at h.wood, previously featured on The Hills), Ty pulled Ali aside to let her know that he’s a divorcee. He ended up getting the date rose, so honestly was the best policy in this case.
I love the way Craig M standing at the bar was edited. They sewed together all of his potentially evil facial expressions and added a voiceover of the Weatherman describing how Craig M is the devil. Then, the Weatherman enlightened us all by saying he’s a brown belt in “martial arts” and how he’d use it against Craig M if needed. That would be amazingly hilarious.
Shortly after, the Weatherman (and his white jacket) interrupted Ty’s alone time to alert Ali to the potential danger of keeping Craig M in the mix. He’s not the most articulate guy, and stumbled through telling Ali that Craig M wants to fight everyone. He followed this with an interview in which he talked about how hot Ali is in some kind of cartoon voice…and Craig M is the dangerous one?
Craig M is obviously a complete assface. Throughout the entire episode, he ragged on the Weatherman completely unprovoked. It was like every time Craig M got bored with a conversation, he’d track down the Weatherman and make fun of him. No one likes a bully, Craig!
One-on-One Part Two
Ali is obviously physically attracted to Jesse, but she wanted to find out if there was more. Their date consisted of taking a private jet to Vegas (with a terrified Ali almost crying on the plane), driving a Ferrari to a private pool no one has ever used before, and then ending up at an empty nightclub. Along the way, Jesse ate his first oyster and they discussed their small town upbringings.
Jesse doesn’t seem very mature and didn’t say much of any great substance, but he seems to have Ali entranced. She said, “So far, I like what I see when I talk to him.” What do you see, his lips moving? They ended the date with a personal serenade from Jamie Cullum and Ali gave Jesse a rose. Snooze.
Back at the house, Craig M tortured the Weatherman by wearing his clothes and taunting him, like a real adult. Does he think he’s funny?
Kirk & Chris N
What Happened To Your Face?
Chris L is kind of charming and seems like a genuinely nice guy, but he moves around a lot like he’s got ants in his shirt. Ali sat down with Roberto, and they giggled at each other then played catch. He used to play baseball and taught her how to throw a knuckleball. Later, Kreepy Kasey stared at her chest and told her that her dress made him feel like he was in a fairytale. I guess that’s attractive…if you’re into perverts.
Every season, some dude/chick with a rose interrupts someone who needs the one-on-one time. This time, it was Frank. Ali didn’t complain, and proceeded to make out with him while three other guys watched. Who knew cocktail parties could be so romantic?
The Weatherman and Craig M had the ultimate stare down, but they were broken up before it came to blows. During his alone time with Ali, the Weatherman babbled nonsensically about his hatred for Craig M. He always asks, “Do you really want to know?” like 100 times. Either tell her, or talk about something else. The Weatherman and Ali don’t know much about each other because all he talks about is Craig M.
Kirk and Chris N were like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets as they sat on the balcony and discussed Craig M. I really wanted them to start heckling him from above.
Speaking of that creature, Craig M never said anything about being interested in Ali. He complained to Kirk that he had to call in sick to work again. When Ali confronted Craig M about his intentions, he basically said she’s an attractive stranger but that’s it. Later, he decided to play Chris Harrison and called a town hall meeting to find out who told Ali that he’s “dangerous.” He put the Weatherman on the spot and turned it into another mocking session. Why didn’t anyone else jump in and be like, shut the funk up and leave the poor kid alone?
Craig M’s interviews consisted of drunk babble, while the Weatherman’s were him whining about Craig M. The Weatherman went so far as to say, “If Craig M gets a rose tonight, I will know for sure that there is no God.” Dramatic much?
At the ceremony, I didn’t recognize some of the guys who received roses. Get some personalities! The big question was, what happened to Tyler’s head? It looks like he got into a fight, or at least fell off his bike. Footage please?
Quotes of the Week
“The amount I want a rose is equal to the amount of a dick that Craig M is.”-Weatherman
“Honestly, if it didn’t have the lemon in it, then it probably would have tasted like shit.”-Jesse about his first-ever oyster
Frank (if he can keep his jealousy in check)