Ali The Bachelorette ep 4: The Tattoo Heard ‘Round The Reality World
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In Style In New York
Romancing Ali Up In The Air-style began in the capital of the world, New York City. Of course, it coincided with an In Style photo shoot (her hair was done by a guy with finger tattoos-classy). Her transformation from “LA Casual” to “NY Chic” involved curling her hair and…that was about it. She pretended to be surprised when they told her she was going to be featured in the July issue. Why else would they have paid all those people to take her picture?
Kreepy Kasey Gets A Date
There is far too much to say about Kreepy Kasey. I could probably write a journal the size of War and Peace on what a lunatic he is and I wouldn’t even have to address the tattoo fiasco. Good thing I wasn’t playing a drinking game that involved taking a sip every time he said “guard and protect your heart”—I would have been laid out on the floor by the end of the episode. Chris L pointed out the way Kasey over-romanticizes Ali in his mind, and while Ali is great and all, she’s not on the “unicorn level of love” that Kasey has imagined her to be. True story.
Kasey and Ali went up in a helicopter (original), but she didn’t freak out about it for the first time ever. Thank the lord. Kasey’s side interviews were insane. He compared Ali to a cocoon of love—huh? The best part, of course, was when he periodically broke out into song. How clueless is he that he didn’t notice how weirded out she was by his impromptu concerts?
Later, Kasey waxed poetic about how he wants someone to guard and protect his heart too. He told Ali, “It’s just my heart, jump in and stay awhile” and then proceeded to sing again. How did she not vomit and/or run away in horror?
At the end of their date, Ali told Kasey that he wasn’t going to receive a rose because she thought he was trying too hard. Somehow she read all of his crazy talk as pick-up lines, instead of the babble of a mental patient. She kept him around and wanted him to show her more of his “true self,” not the uber-cheesebomb. Too bad that is his true self. He cried when he didn’t get the rose, but he should have celebrated that she didn’t send him packing right away.
Afraid Of Heights Now?
I’ll Be Your Lion, King
For the group date this week, seven dudes (a much more manageable number, but still qualifies as harem) had to audition for solo time at the Lion King on Broadway. Amazing and random. The menz gladly wiggled into their spandex shorts and danced around like the awkward white guys that they are. It was painful for my eyes.
Next, they sang and it turns out that Jesse has some pipes on him (and I’m not talking about his spandex this time). However, Roberto was smart enough to serenade Ali directly, and even though he would have been labeled “dreadful” by Simon Cowell, he scored major points. All of the guys, especially the Weatherman, were kicking themselves when Roberto was chosen for the date.
Their alone time wasn’t spent drinking champagne and eating chocolate-covered strawberries. Instead, they had to learn a routine to perform in the show. That seriously is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for two talentless clowns on a reality dating show. Lucky for Ali, their part involved a lot of rubbing up against each other. However, they had to be suspended in the air by tiny strings and Ms. Thang did not complain about heights. I’m calling bullshit on that one.
The most entertaining part of the date was all of the random Weatherman interviews where he would give the forecast. I’d say: lonely, with a chance of tears. My manfriend decided that the Weatherman should be the next bachelor and they could call it The Bachelor Jonathan: Cloudy With A Chance Of Love. When he attempted to get some alone time with Ali, he got shut down. You know it’s bad when she chooses Craig and his odd-shaped head over you.
Why did it look like all the men were drinking Mai-Thais at the after-party? Ali didn’t feel well, but she sure kept her glass of white wine full. She had good one-on-one time with Frank, but just like I said episodes ago, he was the first one with a successful solo date and then he got ignored for weeks.
Kirk, Ali’s favorite make-out partner, was sensible enough to tell her to go to bed when she felt ill. He seems nice enough, but they don’t really talk, they just lick each other’s mouths. Kirk walked her to her room and she asked for a lullaby. She shoulda called Kreepy Kasey; you know that boy loves to sing!
Chris L Gets In Bed
To celebrate Chris L’s birthday, he went to hang out with a swine-flu-ridden Ali in her hotel room. Sexy. He showed up with flowers and soup (thanks producers!), which was really sweet. I like him because he seems like an actual adult. Plus, he usually contributes some pretty good one-liners.
Somehow, his company revived her and they went and ate oysters and lobster (sounds like a recipe for disaster when dealing with sick people). They talked a lot about his mother who passed away and the story about how she’s always with him in rainbows made me tear up--I’m man enough to admit that. Since they’re on lockdown and not allowed to have phones, Ali set up a birthday call for Chris to his dad. Nice gesture!
What birthday would be complete without a personal concert by a guy you’ve never heard of? Chris L was definitely not as excited as Ali about Joshua Radin, but it led to some smoochy-smoochy, so I’m sure he wasn’t complaining. However, it looked like Chris L might have been trying to swallow her chin. Yipe!
Run, Ali, Run!
On My Heart Like A Tattoo
Kasey went missing for several hours and the Weatherman put out an Amber Alert. Not really, but Kasey did sneak off to perform the Kreepiest feat in Bachelorette history: he got a tattoo of a heart with a shield and 11 diamonds to represent number of guys remaining on the day he lost his mind. At least it wasn’t her name….?
He went back to the hotel with a bandage around his wrist and a weak story about going to the hospital. Why didn’t he just wear his sleeves down? Rated-R became obsessed with calling Kasey out for lying about where he was that day. Kreepy couldn’t understand why Rated-R was attacking him, when he’s never said anything negative to the guy--unless you count that time Kasey called Rated-R fake when all the guys were hanging out in the hot tub (sentences like that make me realize how amazing this show is).
Eventually, Kreepy Kasey caved and showed everyone his tattoo. The jacked up part was that the guys were nice about it to his face but talked a lot of smack in their interviews (except Rated-R). Of course, they were probably scared of what would have happened otherwise. Dude is obviously unstable. Frank pointed out in his side interview that getting a tattoo, “doesn’t prove anything, except that you’re nuts.” Why did Kasey think that the guys “respected” his decision to brand himself? Fear and respect are two very different things, my friend.
Is Kasey's Tattoo Sexy or Creepy?
Was Ali drinking cranberry juice at the cocktail party? The Departed, anyone?
Interestingly, she sent home Jesse and Weatherman without any explanation. I understand why Mr. Forecaster had to take a ride on the low pressure train right outta there, but Jesse? Not that they had a great love connection, but there were no indications that she didn’t like him. Meanwhile, how is Chris N still there? They have never spoken on camera!
The eternally-mature Weatherman bitched, moaned, and cried about being eliminated. He’s totally the type to come back out of nowhere and crash a date. Watch your back, Ali!
Need To Go Home
Quotes of the Week
“Wrestler, go home!”-Frank
“Beehive of knives of jealousy in your face”-Weatherman
“You know what we need? One more guy to play the guitar in this house. We haven’t had enough yet.”-Kirk
“He will forever be known as that guy on The Bachelorette who got a tattoo”-Chris L