Ali The Bachelorette ep 5: Volcanoes Erupting
The Poetry Competition
What kind of location scouts do they have for this show…and can I be one? Iceland seemed like a random choice, but it’s really rommmmaaaannnnntic.
Instead of Ali (ok, the producers) selecting the solo date this week, the guys had to compete in a poetry contest. They were supposed to incorporate some of the Icelandic language, so they attacked people on the streets and begged for lessons. I’m sure people in other countries love when Americans do that. Everyone ignored Rated-R on his crutches, and the locals looked pained at the other guys’ pronunciations. It was so bad, Chris Harrison apologized to the entire country for the butchering of their language. Good call.
The poems ranged from cute to awful. I was shocked that Kreepy Kasey didn’t sing. Plus, his mumbling was so bad that the subtitles gave up. That wasn’t the worst, sadly; Chris N was so awkward and nervous that it was uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Kirk got all up in her face for his poem so he could get lost in her “rich root beer eyes.” It came down to him and Frank, who was a bit cocky in his love-poem skills. He took a cue from Kirk and sat with her instead of standing miles away. They both had good poems, but Frank already had a one-on-one (like 2 months ago!) so she chose Kirk. I think she just wanted a chance to kiss his face some more.
I feel bad that they try to make Frank out to be a complete jealous nutbag, and I feel like it’s squeezed out of him. He doesn’t display any crazy possessive behavior; he’s just always talking about being jealous. That’s easily prompted by the producers.
Not Kirk Cameron
Ali and Kirk had a very romantic date…sweater shopping. It was like a trip to Salvation Army for an “Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.” Naturally, they chose matching sweaters and then went to feed some ducks. Typical Icelandic date.
Speaking of being in a foreign land, the group stayed at the Hilton and they made sure to advertise that throughout the episode. How cultured! I digress.
For some reason, it was built up that Kirk had this huge secret that he wasn’t sure if he was ready to share with Ali. My bet was that he used to be a woman (he’s got dainty features!). Sadly, it turns out he was just really sick five years ago in college from living in an old moldy house. Huh? Kirk declared “my illness doesn’t define me”—probably because you’re not sick anymore. Oddly, Ali looked devastated and found the story “inspiring” so she gave him the date rose. It was all very strange in my book.
Into The Caves
The group date turned out to be an epic battle between Ty and Chris L. Ty had a serious leg-up for being a “cowboy” from Nashville. Lucky for him, the date involved Ali riding her first horse, so he got to be the instructor. Chris L, on the other hand, is from Massachusetts where apparently there are no horses. He was so unskilled that he fell off the horse and Ty had to save him. Now that’s romantic!
Chris L “fought back” by volunteering to be lowered into a cave first, thus gaining a few extra minutes with Ali. He took this opportunity to show that chivalry is not dead by giving Ali his gloves when her fingers were cold. Talk about fierce competition.
For the second half of the date, they went to the Blue Lagoon which is like a hot spring in the middle of a glacier. Mindboggling. Lucky for everyone, Ali was wearing a bikini underneath her full-body coat. The guys stripped down nekked right there, and Ali was treated to a lot of white man-butt flapping in the air.
Randomly, Ali said she wasn’t sure if there was a spark with Chris L but then proceeded to make out with him and giggle like a school girl. Mixed signals for the audience! In the end, it was Ty who won the battle and received the frozen rose. However, the war is not over.
Frank spent this entire time hanging out in the back, whining about not having a solo date. What a waste. He needs to recognize that Ali clearly likes him. She always makes an effort to talk to him, instead of giving him the brush-off for kicking rocks in the background like a sulky man-boy.
Two-On-One: The Wrestler vs. The Tattoo
From the moment the date card was delivered, Rated-R started playing mind games with Kreepy Kasey. Plus, he kept talking about his split-personalities like that’s considered normal. Newsflash buddy: nobody likes it when you talk about yourself AND your alter-ego in the third person. Not sexy.
Meanwhile, Kreepy had to get a pep talk from Frank—who was only interested in pumping Kasey up to get the wrestler sent home. Kasey’s tearful speech about how he got the tattoo to be “somebody” and to be “a man” was beyond bizarre.
The showdown between the Wrestler and the Tattoo took place on a volcano. Of course, Rated-R pointed out that he had a “little volcano brewing inside” him because he’s a pervert. Then he compared this to winning a championship belt in the ring. Sigh. He is the pits. (Do people still like him?)
If Rated-R had not replaced his crutches with the boot, how would he have walked on those snow banks? Come on, now! There was nothing exciting or romantic about the date in the ice cave. It made my butt cold just looking at it. Plus, those candles made me nervous that the whole thing would cave in on them at any minute.
Kasey decided to pull out the big guns and reveal his tattoo with a long-winded nonsensical speech. One thing is for sure, Ali will not be winning any acting awards for this scene. She made a sad attempt to hide her terror. I feel like I could actually hear her asking the judge for a restraining order.
I don’t understand why she kept either of those clowns--they’re both odd little snooze-fests, but in the end “Justin” received the rose. She quickly and unceremoniously broke Kasey’s heart. She tried to encourage him to find someone else to stalk (to save her some court fees, I’m sure). He took it a lot better than I expected, and then they left him on a glacier. Awkward.
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Load Up, Load Up
Kirk wore his matchy sweater to the cocktail party. I’m glad he isn’t one of those guys who takes up Ali’s time after receiving a rose. Much respect.
Frank jumped up immediately and pulled her away for some alone time. He’s trainable! I’m glad he’s finally putting up a fight.
Craig called himself an “expert” at group dates, probably in hopes that she’ll give him a solo next week. It was pretty funny that he drew a heart with a rose on his inner wrist. That might be the trick to winning her over.
Holy crap! Chris N got some screen time, but it was not worth the wait. He has no personality, but loves Mexican food. What? Frank and Kirk were below discussing Ali’s chemistry with Chris N and decided that, “They may do brunch once a year, just to catch up.” Hilarious.
Chris L declared that would pick up trash in San Francisco if she’s the girl for him. I think he’s gonna stick around because she wants to meet his dad (so do I!).
For the first time this season, Chris Harrison played arm chair psychiatrist and told her she’s afraid to fall in love. I think Chris Harrison practices his listening face in the mirror at night because he’s got it down pat.
Least. Dramatic. Rose. Ceremony. Ever. Finally, the mystery man, Chris N went home. Why was she so upset? She should have let him go weeks ago.
Dear Ali, “supposably” is not a word. Thanks, Megavitamin.
Needs to go home
Quotes of the Week
“This is your time to shine. Send the wrestler back to the ring”-Frank"
“I want her all to myself”-Kreepy Kasey, doing what he does best
“This is one small step for Justin, and one huge leap for Rated-R”-Justin (Vomit.)
“I’m not trying to stick around, I’m trying to be the man of her dreams”-Kasey
“The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal”—Ali (Not possible, friend.)