An Ode to Johnny Depp
Get Lost Bill ♫ ♫ ♫ . . . Won’t You Marry Me . . . John . . . ny. . . ♫ ♫ ♫
Given my much-too-qualified state, I should not spend time writing this when I have real, paid work to finish. However, I was easily distracted by a Google AdSense ad that popped up on my Gmail page. I grew so excited I almost spilled the cup of exquisitely pure, freshly brewed white tea I had been drinking.
Alert: Writing Detour Ahead
By the way, did you know that white tea is like the extra virgin olive oils of tea? Yes indeed, the buds and leaves that create white tea are the first picked from the Camellia Sinensis tree, which brings us the four categories of true teas (which would be white, green, oolong and black). As white tea is harvested just a few days of the year, it is exceptionally precious . . . and when unblended, exceptionally costly. But it tastes divine and offers many health benefits. Luckily, as I have very quick reflexes (are you listening, HR recruiters?) my tea is resting securely on the table as I type.
Whew! Back to the Story
In my opinion, there is no star that shines brighter than yours, Johnny Depp. I adored you even when you appeared in that God-awful TV cop show (which I won’t mention as I’ve read it embarrasses you – and I would not dream of doing that.)
However, the reason I nearly spilled my cup of pristine white tea is that I saw an advertisement to “BUY JOHNNY DEPP’S WRISTBAND." Imagining a rare opportunity to purchase a leather cuff into which your wrist sweat actually trickled sent me into such a tizzy, Johnny! (Oh, if you cannot understand this impulse, dear reader, I encourage you to rent a copy of Chocolat . I know that Johnny is now famous among the masses for his megabucks Pirates films, but it is in Chocolat that we see Johnny at his most devastatingly seductive, white tea hottest.
Liar, Liar Advertiser!
Dear reader, when I clicked on the AdSense link (which to my deep gratification means that the advertiser will be charged something) I discovered that the product being offered was not actually a wristband actually owned and worn by my divine Johnny, but in fact, a leather wristband inspired by one that his celestial beingness is often seen wearing. I will not even dignify this company by allowing its name to be mentioned here (but Johnny, this page is optimized for AdSense, so if it appears anyway, please know I had no involvement).
Johnny, I was just having fun about the “please marry me” stuff. I truly admire your devotion to your beautiful partner what’s-her-name of lo these many years. I think it's so sweet that you've been such a dedicated papa to your children. I would never be that sort of home wrecker (at this point, however, I'd consider a job bulldozing old homes). Indeed, I cannot tell you how relieved I was that your relationship with what’s-her-name withstood the temptation placed in your way while filming The Tourist with Angelina Jolie. I worried, because I read in that tome of completely accurate information, and by this I speak not of Wikipedia, but of the New York Post , that what's-her-name was so worried she demanded you quit filming with Angelina.
Oh, No, I Wasn’t Worried
But Johnny, I knew you wouldn’t be tempted – if not by me, then certainly not by Angelina. It is not just your smoldering dark-eyed, devastating good looks, nor your perfectly sculpted, part-Native American cheekbones, that make you the god that you are. I don’t know you at all, but I feel with certainty that I actually do. I just knew you had the integrity to stand behind your family. I did worry a teeny bit, though, when I considered your tendency to take career risks, as we’ve seen in some of your film roles. Who but you, my darling Johnny, would play a cross-dressing, whacked-out schlock film producer as you did in Ed Wood, or allow themselves to appear like a stray Wizard of Oz cast member in Edward Scissorhands?
I am sorry to state the obvious, which is that you are not very tall, Johnny, (and coincidentally, neither am I ). Yet, having watched you from afar, I can tell that you are very strong. I can tell that you have values and a code of ethics and would never be tempted away from hearth and home by that actress, even though the New York Post reported discomfiting news about you and Angelina, citing a “source close to the project.” As a former journalist, Johnny, I can tell you that sources close to anything – a celebrity, a film project, a block of cheese – are always the most trustworthy. So yes, I did worry when I read that you shared a “real long and intense love scene” with Angelina during filming. Nevertheless, I knew you would remain strong, Johnny. And you did. You did not let me down, nor your angelic children, and not even what’s-her-name .
Can You Help With a Job, Dear Johnny?
By the way, Johnny, I hope you won’t hold it against me that I withdrew that marriage proposal, because I need a teeny teeny favor. You see, it seems that I am much too qualified to find employment. Seeing as that New York Post source is very “close to the project,” I’m certain you must know him/her. Do you think you could put in a good word for me at the New York Post? You see, I am that desperate for work. I figure that I could lie . . . um, exhibit my exceptional reportorial skills despite my disadvantaged status of being much too overqualified .
Thank you my darling Johnny.
P.S. Please don’t forget about that plug with the New York Post . My children are hungry, and although I’ve taken career risks as you have, somehow I have not been admired or enriched to the degree you have for choosing the path less traveled.