And You Thought Your Family Was Bad!
We all have somebody in our family that we usually flinch every time they say or do something. What do you do if most of your family show signs of disfunction? Here's a rundown of the loved ones in my life that have made me cringe at more than one point in my life...
Dad: Ok, it's 2008. Who hasn't been married two or more times, right? Well, my dad, is what I call, a professional groom. Usually three times the charm, right? What do they say about the 13th time? My dad's been married 13 times and engaged a whopping 20 times- at least. He's been married so many times that he has his lawyer and the guy that performs marriages at the courthouse in his personal Contacts.
Cousins The Stoner Twins Rob and Marty: These two are chronically insane. Rob got the idea a few weeks ago that if you put helium in your car tires that you'd get better gas mileage and Marty agreed. They went to the party supply store and bought about 10 of the small helium tanks and tried their heart out to get the helium in the tires. That lasted 10 minutes until Marty has a spontaneous burst of knowledge and thought he could fry a hamburger with a magnifying glass. Care to venture a guess on how that turned out?
Father-In-Law: My father-in-law is a heavy drinker. He drinks to the point that an alchoholic would say, "Dude, don't you think that's enough?" It would be so bad, I guess, but when he drinks he gets a burst of energy and feels like he needs to complete any chore he has left to do for the evening. He's the only person that I know that has had two DUI's and wasn't in a vehicle either time. He got a DUI on a horse and a lawn tractor. The DUI on the horse got thrown out by the judge, but he was hit with public intoxication. The DUI on the lawn tractor stood though, considering he thought he wasn't sober enough to walk down to the store for more beer. So, he plopped down on the lawn mower and thought he'd drive it down there. "It's not a car." He said...
Then one night he got the drunken idea that he'd get a head start on winter and go ahead and cut some fire wood. He proceeded to start up the chainsaw and start cutting down trees. Needless to say, about 5 minutes after this burst of energy he came limping back with a huge gash in his thigh. He was taken to the emergency room and received stitches for his efforts. Once him and my mother-in-law got home, he figured he'd cut off the other pants leg and make shorts out of them. He stabbed himself in the leg in the process. Resulting to another trip to the E.R.
Aunt Sue: Anytime you're with my Aunt Sue, you're going to see something funny. It got to the point that I would volunteer to go somewhere with her just to see her in action. Whether it's the time that she was introducing herself to my cousin's mail-order Russian bride at a volume that broke the sound barrier or going to the wrong funeral and tearfully introducing herself to the person's family saying, "Hi, I'm Sue. I was her hair dresser." It was a guy's funeral. Then the time she goes to the bank and goes to get into her purse to pull out her deposit. Instead she pulls out her grandson's plastic toy pistol and lays it down on the counter. That one made local news.
Uncle Robert (The Stoner Twins father): He's currently serving his 4th year of an 11 year sentence. He barges into a liquor store and holds a guy at gun-point. Telling the guy that he wants all the money in the register and the huge bottle of expensive liquor behind the gentleman. When the young man grabbed the bottle he told my uncle that he could get him the money, but he'd have to show proof that he was 21 to get the liquor... My uncle Robert gave the guy his ID.
My Aunt/Uncle Tracie: Let me state that one's relationship preference is totally their decision and I don't condemn anyone for making that choice, but Tracie's is unique and the one that I am confused about. She got an opperation to become a guy, just so she/he could be gay and is now getting ready to have the opperation to put "everything" back, because the guy that my "Uncle" Tracie is with doesn't want to be gay anymore. Can you make sense of it?
Uncle Wayne: He is the family version of Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. He is a Mr. Fix-it type and usualy ends up in the E.R. He fancies the hammer and has knocked himself out with one at last count 21 times. Which it's only 8:37am. Who knows what the day holds?
This is a brief glimpse of the few people in my family that generates buzz everywhere they go. I hope you enjoyed reading the stories that I love to tell.