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Are Ninjas Trying to Kill Me? Am I being stalked by the slippery bare feet of shadow that is ninja?

Updated on August 15, 2011

If a Ninja is Out to Kill You, How Can You Stop Them?

Ninjas are the deadliest assassins in the history of the world. They climbed twenty foot walls by hand, ran silently over rooftops and lurked in toilets to stab their quarry in the... Well, let's just say it's an unpleasant way to die. Ninjas are relentless, unstoppable, untrackable machines of death that want to kill you, your dog, and everything you love. They even want to kill themselves! The fate of a ninja who fails to get his man is always self-inflicted suicide by ninja katana!

If you, or someone you know, is worried that a ninja assassin might be on their trail, there are certain things to look for, to protect yourself and your family from sudden, instant, gruesome death.

Are Buddhist Monks Following You Around? They Might Be Ninjas!

One of the oldest tricks in the ninja handbook is to track their quarry under the guise of a Zen Buddhist Monk. The highly-trained athlete needs a disguise that matches their hard-as-steel abs, and lithe, graceful, deadly bodies. Western monks, with their ale and sausages, are just not a believable disguise for the deadly, graceful ninja.

In Feudal Japan, Ninjas often traveled disguised as Zen Buddhist Monks. The only way to know if the orange-clad, bald man with a friendly smile is a monk or a ninja is to surprise him with a reflexive action. Monks aren't supposed to be able to dodge falling tree limbs, or the sudden attack of wild packs of too-friendly children seeking hugs. If you notice that there is a Zen Buddhist Monk following you around, smiling like a Dalai Lama, bribe children in your neighborhood with candy to spring upon the monk suddenly, trying to hug the monk. If the children's necks are instinctively snapped like little twigs, you are being stalked by a deadly ninja!

Once flushed from cover, the ninja will undoubtedly attack. Be prepared with your chainsaw katana or team of vicious attack-dogs to protect your life from the master of murderous swordplay that is the ninja.

Ninjas may be on to us, who watch out for Zen Buddhist Monks that seem to be stalking us around town. For this reason, it is wise to be wary of any excessively athletic individual, with a graceful dancer's body, dressed a little too nondescript, with room in their bags and possessions for the deadly katana. Listen for the sound of the gentle jangle of the kama and chain in someone's pockets. It doesn't sound the same as keys. If you can, locate a kama and chain for yourself to practice listening for the jingle of the chain in bags, coats, pants, and large sacks.

Be prepared! You need to know if a ninja assassin is about to leap out of the shadows and rend you open like a cheap watermelon!

Ninjas Thrive in the Shadows! You Need Some Lights!

If you want to protect yourself from ninjas, you need to keep your space at a minimum lighting to match the daily sun of high noon. Ninjas live in the shadows, feeding off them, mingling their deadly Chi energies with the darkness for deadly strikes of doom.

Invest in lights. Lots of them. You need to make sure your property is covered from multiple angles. Keep trees at least thirty feet away from any wall structures. Ninjas can easily scale walls with trees. They can still scale your wall without a tree, but it could buy you the precious seconds you need to unsheathe your chainsaw katana and pull the cord to rev it up in self-defense.

You need to be sure your furniture is places around your property to minimize shadows, especially near windows. Ninjas can slip in through windows, even bolted ones, faster than a mosquito through cheap netting. You need to make sure that they land inside the window in full light, no matter what time of day or night.

Ninjas are brilliant strategists, too, and may be able to knock out your power supply. You're going to need backup generators. Depending on how many ninjas you are afraid of coming after you, you might even need backups for your backups. Don't worry about backups for the backup of the backups, however, because by the time you flip that many switches on your wall, you'll already have lost your legs and most of your spleen from the playful assault of the ninjas. If enough ninjas are coming for you, there's nothing you can do. They are too powerful!

Fortunately, it is rare to be attacked by more than one ninja, and only powerful Daimyos and Shoguns have to worry about ninja clans larger than four or five. They tend to surround themselves with samurais to act as meat shields when the ninjas attack. That was Oda Nobunaga's secret. One time, a ninja killed seven of his trusted samurai and escaped before anyone could capture him, but the wall of dead, bloody corpses made it impossible for the ninja to finish the job. All that blood made the ground slippery, and nothing is harder for a barefoot ninja to run across with silent, deadly fury than the blood of seven victims all over the floor.

Ninjas are Everywhere!

Ninjas are everywhere, and ready to kill anyone. They'll murder anything that gets in their way. You need to be ready for their attack. Always check trees for signs of ninja star and arquebus assassins before committing your entire, soft body to the out-of-doors. Always be on the lookout for a moving shadow, poised to leap upon you in the dark. Always keep your defensive weaponry on hand. And, always remember, if a ninja is unashamed to book it like crazy when an assassination goes awry, only to kill themselves in private where they cannot be caught, you should be ready to run away, too. Ninjas are fast, but if you can outrun them, outlive them, and outlast them long enough, they might just kill themselves out of shame.

Sometimes, the only thing that can kill the deadly ninja is him or herself!


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    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 6 years ago from North Carolina

      Very funny with a good lesson in history. I LOVE it!

    • LuisEGonzalez profile image

      Luis E Gonzalez 6 years ago from Miami, Florida

      Nice change of pace, a refreshing and entertaining hub.

      Thanks for posting