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Has Your Celebrity Crush Gone Too Far?

Updated on October 12, 2009


lots of celebrities

lovely celebrities

stalkilicious celebrities...

If you love celebrities, then you run the risk of becoming a little obsessed. It happens you know. One day you're just browsing the Internet for gossip, the next day you're outside someone's home with a camera and a bag of cheetos, waiting to spot a glimpse of them so that you can record it in your special notebook. Touching your special place while you do this is optional.

Here are a few tips to help you work out if your celebrity obsession has gone too far:

You dress like your favorite celebrity, but not just like the pictures of them that you see in magazines, you actually use a telescopic lens to check out what they are wearing every day, and then dress accordingly. You've matched them even down to your panties, in spre of the fact that you happen to be a guy.

You've booked tickets to Malawi, Cambodia, Vietnam, or some other such place to check out the children there, or if you can't afford to go to Malawi, you're considering going to a disadvantaged neighborhood, stealing someone's children and making them your own.

Religions like Scientology seem completely reasonable to you, you're a faithful follower, and you hope one day to see your lord and savior, Tom Cruise.

You're saving your body for your true love (Celebrity Insertnamehere), and shun all others for him/her.

You've framed the restraining order they had to take out against you, and look at it every day and chuckle as you shake your head and think about what a tease they are.

You've dedicated your life to running into them at popular Hollywood haunts. You've been a waiter or waitress at many of the best places in town, but your employment has always been prematurely ended due to issues with you fainting every time anyone B list or above made an appearance.

Your home is filled with gossip magazines, each one covered in sticky notes which allow you to reference and cross reference all articles at will. You're currently working on scanning each page into your computer, creating the biggest and most secret celebrity database the world has ever known.

You know the styles of the paparazzi that stalk the stars so intimately that you can pick out their work just by looking at it, in much the same way an art connoisseur can pick out an original Picasso.

You watch E!, but instead of being enthralled, you are more concerned with how they're reporting the gossip stories, you shout comments at them, like “Amateur!” and “Do your research, Paris actually has brown eyes!”

You leave comments on celebrity gossip blogs talking about the celebrity in question as if you actually know them.

You leave comments on celebrity blogs addressed to the celebrity that the article is about, as if they might not only be reading Internet gossip sites about themselves, but might also contact someone who professes their love for them thereon.

You approach celebrities as if you know them, and as a result of this you have a body part that you never wash, for instance you may have a plastic bag taped to your shoulder from where Madonna's security team pushed you aside a little more roughly than you may have liked. This has lead to a few infections, but hey, that's what antibiotics are for.

And finally:

You make a living making smart ass comments about celebrities.


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