Ashley The Bachelorette: The Return of Bentley
Free Trip To Hong Kong
Bentley decided to take the producers up on their offer for a pointless, yet free, trip to Hong Kong. My nerves were overworked by the repetition of two key phrases: “dot, dot, dot” and “Literally flown half way around the world.” By the end of the episode, I was ready to dot, dot, dot someone halfway around the world. (I’m not sure what it means, but I was extremely annoyed.)
The real revelation wasn’t Ashley opening her eyes to the fact that Bentley is a turd, or that he was still trying to string her along by inviting her to Salt Lake. No, the most important 3 seconds of the entire SERIES was Chris Harrison’s handwriting on the paper with Bentley’s room number. Pure chicken scratch! Think about that next time they show the Fantasy Suite invitation. LOVE IT.
Anyway, Bentley was rocking his usual Chandler Bing look and trying to spew the same vague game at her like, “I think you know where I’m at.” His lines should only work on drunk girls at last call--you can’t fall for this crap sober, sweetheart! Unfortunately, she let him call the shots (with her inexplicable obsession with punctuation) and allowed HIM to finally put “the period” on their relationship. Then she sauntered down the hall like she just lit his car on fire Angela Basset style. Utterly ridiculous.
The whole thing was dumb and I’m glad it’s over. Now I have to go do some calculus to try to regain the brain cells I lost watching the whole Bentley saga.
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Lucas With The Lid On
Everyone was betting that Lucas would be sent home after his one-on-one. Unfortunately, we weren’t that lucky. They took a “romantic” boat ride and basically stared at each other for a few hours, like an episode of The Hills. He told her about his divorce, which was extremely anticlimactic. He said he’s never been out with a girl like Ashley and then I fell asleep. She’s boring. He’s boring. That’s all I have to say about that.
Row Row Row Your Boat
For the group date, the guys had to pair up into teams for a boat race. You would think that by pairing Ryan & Blake (Best Frenemies Forever) that something exciting would go down. Nope.
The dudes ran through the streets recruiting locals to row with them—like a poor man’s rip-off of The Amazing Race. Ryan ignored all rules of personal space while screaming “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH” in the faces of innocent bystanders. Thanks for representing America, Ryan. That’s why everybody hates us.
Ben, who is turning into a bright spot on this show, was paired with his twin, Constantine. They ran around the city with bandanas on their heads and wondered why the locals were freaked out by them. Eventually, they gave up asking people and purchased lovely red robes instead, which oddly inspired people to follow them (someone should do a cult study with this footage). They were awful at this “challenge” but entertaining—which is all I can ask for at this point.
After the race (doesn’t even matter who won), they witnessed a proposal down the beach. Aww, romantic, right? NO. Those clowns were throwing tinsel in the sand--you’re gonna choke the turtles people! Somewhere, Al Gore is shedding a single tear.
At the after-party, Ashley tried to have a good time for the first time, ever. The guys sat around and talked smack about Ryan, as usual. Can someone please hand them some new scripts?
JP One-on-One Part Two
JP got a second one-on-one to make up for his shitty first one. It makes me sad that he really likes Ashley because she hasn’t done anything to deserve it.
They shared an intimate conversation about exes, and she decided to tell JP about the Bentley situation. It was so overly dramatic. “I have something to tell you” dun dun dun! He was absurdly understanding, and I’m beginning to wonder if he’s an evil genius or the biggest sucker on the planet. Sadly, I think I know the answer to that.
However, there is something about his upper lip that makes me want to bite his mouth. It’s a very unnerving desire.
Somewhere in the depths of Ashley’s mind, she decided it would be a GREAT idea to share her <former> love for Bentley with the remaining guys. Awful. Bring on the overshare!
I’m not sure what she expected when she told them that she had “completely fallen for” Bentley and had basically been going through the motions with all of them for the past month, but she was shocked when they weren’t happy about her therapeutic moment. Silly young girl, did she expect unconditional love from these virtual strangers?
Blake made the astute observation that her meeting with Bentley must have gone poorly otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to instantly let it go--like she had to get rejected twice to finally get the message. I think he might just know her better than anyone else. Too bad, since he got sent home at the rose ceremony anyway.
JP defended her, which was pretty absurd. He kept saying that they never would have known if she hadn’t broken the news. Did he forget that everything is being filmed? Bet her “fiancé” now finds it awkward that she was whining over Bentley until 2 weeks before their engagement. No way of getting around that.
Mickey sat her down and called her a liar. However, I think he saw an excuse to peace out of there without looking like a jerk, so he took it. Can’t say that I blame him. His exit was possibly one of the best ever. He was slowly cruising away on the back of a boat and all of the guys tearfully waved to him from shore. It was like something out of a war movie.
Ashley made a tear-filled speech about how she cares about everybody so much. I’m gonna have to call bullshit on this one. Clearly, she doesn’t want anyone else to reject her so she’s crying her way out of a speeding ticket. She basically guilted them all into sticking around so she had the chance to reject them one by one. Classy.
The Only Reason I’m Still Watching
I love Chris Harrison. He’s taken on the role of the older brother Ashley never had. Every episode, they have a little chat and he politely tells her she’s being a dumbass. She whined about trying to make everyone happy, which is impossible in real life let alone on a reality TV dating show. Not to mention, it’s very high school. After this season, Chris should demand a raise. There’s no way he’s getting paid enough to put up with this garbage (I know I’m not).
To end on a positive note, at least Ashley has great earrings.
Quotes—Some Good/Dumb Ones This Week
“I would implore you to see all you have here, I guess.”-Bentley
“Maybe we should call it a period.”-Bentley
“You have sweet blood”-Bentley
“I can’t believe I wasted so much time on Bentley”-Ashley (I can’t believe how much of MY time she wasted.)
“Look at the street market. People are selling things.”-Ashley
“Everything literally happens for a reason.”-Lucas
“There’s something about his manliness that makes me feel so protected.”-Ashley
“Some people like cheese. I don’t like cheese from a can.”-Constantine
“Basically, I just want a friend.”-Blake (saddest thing I’ve ever heard)