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How to Survive the Next Atlanta Apocalypse

Updated on February 18, 2014

Due to the latest catastrophes in the Atlanta-metro area, I believe now is the time to act. There needs to be a set of instructions or guidelines for people, so they are better prepared for the next cataclysmic event. Well, you're in luck. Below are a set of rules that you must adhere to in order to survive. Trust me. Many people have used these methods before and have safely made it to the other side. So, pay attention because you never know when the next one may hit.

Poor Atlanta


Charge Your Phone

If you're stuck in your house due to an epic snow meltdown, the last thing you need is a dead cell phone. Think about it. If you have no electricity and no other means of communication, then how else are you going to pass the time if you can't complain about it on Facebook? (That is, if your phone service is working. Thank God for satellites.) Besides, you can't miss out on your Candy Crush, Flappy Bird, or whatever App addiction you have going on, can you? That would be madness! What about your YouTube addiction that sends you down the euphoric rabbit hole or that Tweeting habit of yours? Do you really believe you can live without any of those addictive activities as well? I don't think so.

And let’s face it, if your TV is out of commission, then there's no way you could live without your latest Netflix fixation, could you? Do you seriously think you can manage without some Breaking Bad, the Walking Dead, the Orange is the New Black, New Girl, American Horror Story, Family Guy, and/or some other ridiculously awesome show you crave? No. You have an Android, iPhone, Blackberry, or some other off the wall smartphone for a reason. I suggest you use it.

So, for any apocalyptic event, be it zombie or snow related, your cell phone must be fully charged prior to any breakout. Your life may just depend on it.

Chocolate Mmm Mmm

Stock Up on Food

You need food, plain and simple. But it’s important to know which foods you need to survive a Georgian snowfest. If your electricity is out, then the frig is gone. You’re just going to have accept the fact that you’ll have do without your scrumptious sandwiches, your leftover meatloaf (or salmon for you healthy vegan types), and yes even the ice cream. I know. Let it go…let it go.

First, and foremost, you need chocolate. It can be in any form, but a box of chocolate bars is probably the best option. Whatever your choice shall be (be it the sweet Milky Way, the delicious combo of chocolate and peanut butter in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, the amazing Almond Hersey Bar, or hell maybe even a box of thin mint Girl Scout cookies), chocolate is a must. There is no exception to the rule. It’s energetic, it’s not healthy whatsoever (Or is it? Make up your mind health experts), and it’s tasty. If there is no chocolate, you will die. Period.

Snack are next on the list. Chips, crackers, sweets other than chocolate, and even pretzels will do. Whatever you do, do not binge eat. Savor the flavors because it’s gonna have to last a while. If you have the munchies then resort back to the chocolate. That’s what it’s there for, jeez.

If you absolutely need a Coke product (or Pepsi for you Yankee transports) then by all means get you a few packs. You’ll also need some water, so get it…lots of it. When you least expect it, you may need it as a bargaining chip. Have you ever seen the Book of Eli? Yeah, get some freakin’ water.

Candy Quiz

What's Your Favorite Chocolate?

See results

Check Your Internet

Make sure to check your WiFi frequently, like every 15-20 seconds. Yes, I realize this somewhat coincides with having your cell phone intact, but the WiFi is a entirely different entity. You see, sometimes your phone service completely deserts you, and it's imperative to know what's happening on the outside. A backup internet system is a must!

You don’t want to miss out on what’s going on, right? I mean, you might just miss an important snow pic or a friend’s status complaining about people taking snow pics. And you don’t want to forget those sporting events going on the other side of the country where there’s absolutely no snow. Come on, can you really do without Lebron’s game winning three? You better check that WiFi!

Pics and More Pics

Click thumbnail to view full-size

Ready Set Click

Speaking of snow pics, make sure you take plenty of pictures of or pertaining to the apocalyptic event. Take pictures of the snow, your yard and the snow, your parked car in the snow, you playing in the snow, other people’s cars stuck in the snow, the TV reporter talking about the snow, your pet playing in the snow, your rations, your food, your chocolate, your pet’s face, your face, your dark house because now you have no power, the game you’re playing, and anything else for that matter. Anything. And of course, post it on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and even on YouTube for everyone to see. Because you never know, it may just be your last picture.

Be Prepared

And last but not least, get some really nice hiking boots. If you must drive on the slippery black-iced roads, then you need to prepare for anything.

In Atlanta, the interstate is the worst. If you get in a bind, sometimes you gotta leave your car behind. I understand completely. It’s rough out there, so if you gotta go, you gotta go. But you better be ready, hence the reason for the Timberlands. If you’re going for a hike, you might as well walk in style.

I hope you take these suggestions seriously. They have been proven to work time and time again. And so, I bid you farewell my fellow southern gents. Good luck out there!

© 2014 Chris


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