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Auditioning for The Onion

Updated on November 15, 2012

If and Only If

Only participate if you actually like The Onion and read it at least occasionally. I've sent them an unsolicited sample of my writing a time or two - no employment offers forthcoming ...yet. What follows are headlines for prospective stories that I've come up with. Pick one, or more, that you would most like to see turned into a complete story, either because it struck your funny bone or holds some promise, in your esteem. Thanks much.

Rock Band Asks St. Louis Rhetorically, "Are You Ready to Rock?"; Audience Unable to Reach Consensus

CBS Report Confirms 64 Percent of American Adults Only Use Word "Damnable" Before Saying Honey Boo Boo

Mitt Romney Tells Nation He Had Sex Recently

Neck Surgery Slated to Connect Peyton Manning's Head to Eli Manning's Body

Electoral College Loses to Fresno State, 58-3, Drops Football Program.

Mediocre High School English Teacher Scars Students With Exaggerated Tales From 'Nam About Charlie, Gooks, and Saigon's Booby-Trapped Whores

Local Cat Believes It's a Dog; Lavishes Attention Upon Owner, Mail Carrier, Self

Tim Tebow Continues Search for Baptist Church in New York City

TLC Announces "Overt White Trash Tendencies" No Longer Enough to Justify New Reality Show

Candidate for Governor of Indiana Opposed to Homosapien Rights

Awkward Silence Between Reggie Wayne & L'il Wayne at Family Reunion

Michelle Obama Admits Being Both Black and White for Last Four Years Exhausting

Apple to Release iTampon This Week; Promises Big Upgrades for iTampon2

Chiefs Defense Takes Up Bounty to Injure Matt Cassel in Practice

Gay Pride Group Says Curt From Glee "Too Faggy For Us"

Local Man's Hand Refuses to Masturbate; Simply Not in Mood

Bill Gates Excretes Near Steve Jobs' Tombstone, Laughs Evilly

President Obama on Stewart, Colbert, Maher: "Those Smarmy Motherfuckers are Tellin' it Like it is. Can You Dig it?"

Match.com "Nothing Like TV Commercials," According to Mark Dablowski, Single Dad

Aaron Rodgers Clarifies Heterosexual Preference but "Would Totally Do" Tom Brady if Ever Gay

Johnny Depp says of River Phoenix's Death: "It Should Have Been Vanilla Ice"

Priest Accused of Using 'Homily-Enhancing Drugs'

Obama Unveils Specifics of Demonic Manifesto to be Implemented if he Gains Second Term; Lindsay Lohan Endorses President

Ku Klux Klan Outsourcing Some Hate to India; "Too Many Things Now Piss Us Off," Grand Dragon Admits

Director Tells Keanu Reeves, "Wipe That Stupid-Ass Look Off Your Face"

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That's all, y'all. Leave your preference in the comments section below if anything struck your fancy. Final disclaimer: These are all original ideas, so if something similar has already ran that I didn't catch, it's my unintentional error. The "Obama Demonic" headline is admittedly prompted by a separate story I saw in The Onion. The other ideas are from my cabasa, and framed in typical headline style TO uses.








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    • profile image

      Marty Gregwah 

      5 years ago

      The Reggie Wayne/Lil Wayne one made me literally laugh out loud.

    • profile image

      Commentor 

      5 years ago

      Having done some writing for the O, I can tell you with some certainty that none of these would make it past first cuts (I'm sorry for being blunt - this is the nature of the game.) So, with that said, what needs to be done to improve these?

      First, you need to be far more economical with your words.

      "Local Man's Hand Refuses to Masturbate; Simply Not in Mood" was perhaps the strongest joke on the list, but even it could be tightened up to something like "Local Man's Hand Simply Not In Mood" - that is a stronger joke because it gives the audience some space to arrive at the joke. Also, you're writing for the Onion's format, so you would want to say "Area Man's Hand Simply Not In Mood." Area Man rather than Local Man, everywhere and always.

      Multi-clausal jokes hardly ever work in this format. Think about where your punchline is in a joke like: "Electoral College Loses to Fresno State, 58-3, Drops Football Program." - so you're obviously making a joke about the Electoral College participating in collegiate athletics, but you can't have that joke OPEN the headline - you would want to do something like "Fresno State Defeats Electoral College." Still, not a strong joke, because think about how weak the comment is that you're making - this is a joke on the duplicity of the word "college."

      In fact, a good rule of thumb is to cut ALL of your wordplay jokes - the one about homosapien rights, the one about the iTampon (did you Google this? The identical joke has been made a thousand times before)

      Now, here's another problem with these: your "ridiculous" situations are not NEARLY ridiculous enough - you have a director telling Keanu Reeves to wipe a look off his face, a cat thinking that it's a dog - these are not fantastical situations.

      In no way do my views represent that of this organization, but just wanted to offer some food for thought.

    • keithmitchell5 profile imageAUTHOR

      keithmitchell5 

      5 years ago from Indianapolis

      The Tebow seeks church one seems pretty easy to write. Maybe just a photo with the headline on the iTamp.

    • profile image

      Al 

      5 years ago

      I'd love to see the Tim Tebow or the Apple one.

    • keithmitchell5 profile imageAUTHOR

      keithmitchell5 

      5 years ago from Indianapolis

      Guru, Red Robin, & Sandra W: As requested, gratuitous HBB references.

    • keithmitchell5 profile imageAUTHOR

      keithmitchell5 

      5 years ago from Indianapolis

      You simmer down over there! Crazy red heads.

    • profile image

      The most enchanted red headed step child in the realm 

      5 years ago

      I too am digging the rock band and the Wayne family reunion, but I think Rich might have the best idea with Honey boo boo. Dolla make me holla!

    • keithmitchell5 profile imageAUTHOR

      keithmitchell5 

      5 years ago from Indianapolis

      Thanks BHS. Good to hear from you. Getting a chuckle from you is akin to a gut-busting spasm from your everyday yokel, so much obliged.

      The Klan one would be a fairly easy story to write, esp. compared to the EC one.

    • profile image

      Beth Hedrick-Schmedrick 

      5 years ago

      A lot of these had me chuckling out loud. The hits: Electoral College and KKK.

    • keithmitchell5 profile imageAUTHOR

      keithmitchell5 

      5 years ago from Indianapolis

      "Rodger" that, Guru.

    • profile image

      Rich Petty 

      5 years ago

      Liking Aaron wanting to get it on with Tom. Always loved the stories about the Colts QB's.

      How about something on that white trash family show Honey Boo Boo?

    • keithmitchell5 profile imageAUTHOR

      keithmitchell5 

      5 years ago from Indianapolis

      Mucho Gracias, Ashley D.

    • profile image

      Ashley D 

      5 years ago

      I like the Rock Band, Electoral College (a lot) and Reggie/Lil Wayne.

    • keithmitchell5 profile imageAUTHOR

      keithmitchell5 

      5 years ago from Indianapolis

      Thanks, Kevin

    • profile image

      Kevin Schmidt 

      5 years ago

      Ku Klux Klan Outsourcing Some Hate to India; "Too Many Things Now Piss Us Off," Grand Dragon Admits

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