Auditioning for The Onion
If and Only If
Only participate if you actually like The Onion and read it at least occasionally. I've sent them an unsolicited sample of my writing a time or two - no employment offers forthcoming ...yet. What follows are headlines for prospective stories that I've come up with. Pick one, or more, that you would most like to see turned into a complete story, either because it struck your funny bone or holds some promise, in your esteem. Thanks much.
Rock Band Asks St. Louis Rhetorically, "Are You Ready to Rock?"; Audience Unable to Reach Consensus
CBS Report Confirms 64 Percent of American Adults Only Use Word "Damnable" Before Saying Honey Boo Boo
Mitt Romney Tells Nation He Had Sex Recently
Neck Surgery Slated to Connect Peyton Manning's Head to Eli Manning's Body
Electoral College Loses to Fresno State, 58-3, Drops Football Program.
Mediocre High School English Teacher Scars Students With Exaggerated Tales From 'Nam About Charlie, Gooks, and Saigon's Booby-Trapped Whores
Local Cat Believes It's a Dog; Lavishes Attention Upon Owner, Mail Carrier, Self
Tim Tebow Continues Search for Baptist Church in New York City
TLC Announces "Overt White Trash Tendencies" No Longer Enough to Justify New Reality Show
Candidate for Governor of Indiana Opposed to Homosapien Rights
Awkward Silence Between Reggie Wayne & L'il Wayne at Family Reunion
Michelle Obama Admits Being Both Black and White for Last Four Years Exhausting
Apple to Release iTampon This Week; Promises Big Upgrades for iTampon2
Chiefs Defense Takes Up Bounty to Injure Matt Cassel in Practice
Gay Pride Group Says Curt From Glee "Too Faggy For Us"
Local Man's Hand Refuses to Masturbate; Simply Not in Mood
Bill Gates Excretes Near Steve Jobs' Tombstone, Laughs Evilly
President Obama on Stewart, Colbert, Maher: "Those Smarmy Motherfuckers are Tellin' it Like it is. Can You Dig it?"
Match.com "Nothing Like TV Commercials," According to Mark Dablowski, Single Dad
Aaron Rodgers Clarifies Heterosexual Preference but "Would Totally Do" Tom Brady if Ever Gay
Johnny Depp says of River Phoenix's Death: "It Should Have Been Vanilla Ice"
Priest Accused of Using 'Homily-Enhancing Drugs'
Obama Unveils Specifics of Demonic Manifesto to be Implemented if he Gains Second Term; Lindsay Lohan Endorses President
Ku Klux Klan Outsourcing Some Hate to India; "Too Many Things Now Piss Us Off," Grand Dragon Admits
Director Tells Keanu Reeves, "Wipe That Stupid-Ass Look Off Your Face"
That's all, y'all. Leave your preference in the comments section below if anything struck your fancy. Final disclaimer: These are all original ideas, so if something similar has already ran that I didn't catch, it's my unintentional error. The "Obama Demonic" headline is admittedly prompted by a separate story I saw in The Onion. The other ideas are from my cabasa, and framed in typical headline style TO uses.