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Bad Ideas for Today

Updated on June 25, 2009

Every day is a new day. Every day you get a brand new start. Yes, this is the first day of the rest of your life, buckaroo.  Don't screw it up.

In the interest of helping you not screw it up, bucko, here is a list of things to avoid doing today:

  • Avoid getting out of bed. The trouble starts then.
  • Avoid eating anything that is made of things you can't pronounce. In fact, you would be much better off eating nothing, given the stuff you find in what we call food.
  • Avoid direct sunlight and buildings with central air conditioning. Both can kill you.
  • Don't drive. Driving is the biggest cause of early death.
  • If you do drive, don't drink and don't drive too fast. (This will not save you from those who do.)
  • Don't walk. Automobile accidents involving pedestrians almost always result in injury to the pedestrian.
  • Don't ride a bicycle. See above, same as pedestrians.
  • Don't stay in your house. Most accidents occur in the home.
  • Especially stay out of your bathroom. In your house, that is the most dangerous place.
  • Don't climb above the step on the ladder designated by warning labels as the topmost usable step.
  • Don't flush the toilet. When you do, germs fly two meters up into the air. And for God's sake wash your hands after you use the bathroom, will you?
  • Don't free the jammed garbage disposal with your hand.
  • Don't pet dogs that are foaming at the mouth.
  • Don't cross the street.
  • Don't talk to anyone. Whenever you talk to someone, it might give you an idea, and ideas are the most dangerous thing on earth.
  • Whatever you do, don't have sex. Sex is the second most dangerous thing on earth. The most dangerous idea on earth is having an idea that you will have sex.
  • Don't read a book. Reading a book will most likely give you an idea, see above.
  • Don't have kids. Raising kids will definitely kill you, but not before it has driven you completely insane.
  • Don't talk to your family. If you do, they will tell you their problems and then they will be your problems.
  • Don't learn anything. A little knowledge is the third most dangerous thing on earth.
  • Don't write Hubs. It's addictive. It's more addictive than cigarettes, crack or heroin.

In fact, anything you do in life is dangerous and a bad idea. So stop it, okay?

Comments

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    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      As of today I will stay in bed!! You know I had a friend years ago that tried to get out of bed, got her toe caught in the sheet, thereby falling out of bed, getting a concussion and a sprained toe. The fact she was blonde had nothing to do with it whatsoever!!

      We've been warned - now it's in our hands, so you won't have to say "I told you so!"

    • dawei888 profile image

      dawei888 7 years ago

      Us humans are funny - whenever we're told not to do something we do it and when we're told we should do something we dont' do it! nice hub! dawei888

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country

      If you do stay in bed make sure the label has not been removed from your mattress, under penalty of law.

      If you must drive, for goodness sake, do remove that sunshade covering the windshield.

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      LOL! Rochelle, you'd think those would be obvious, and yet.. since coffee now comes with "hot" warning, those were great!! LOL Under penalty of law (the mattress police are watching!)

    • Jmell profile image

      Jmell 7 years ago from El Paso, Texas, USA

      OMG....I'm guilty of doing everything you said Not to!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Jmell needs to sit in the naughty corner! I love this hub Tom!!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      I would have been here to respond but I made the mistake of biking to work today. I'm lucky to be alive!!

    • Hawkesdream profile image

      Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall

      Think I might just as well curl up and die now lol

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      That would be the safest thing to do, Hawkesdream.

    • shibashake profile image

      shibashake 7 years ago

      I like the first one. I'll just stick with that and I'll be safe - a little dirty maybe - but safe!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      Dirt is very hazardous, Shibashake. Be very, very careful!

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Jeez, well it sounds like I can go out to my garage and practice my knife juggling in the dark... that's not on your list.

    • trooper22 profile image

      trooper22 7 years ago from Chicago

      LOL Tom, great hub.

      Randy, I prefer chainsaws with the throttles wide open, adds to the thrill :)

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Randy, maybe I'll take my flashlight and turn it on and off fast. like a strobe just to heighten the fun!

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      "DEAR LORD,

      So far today, am I doing all right.

      I have not gossiped, lost my temper,been greedy, grumpy,nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing on my credit card.

      But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think I will really need your help then."

      I don't know who wrote this but it is what your hub brought to my mind...Funny and very good Tom...thanks for the giggles...:O) Hugs

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Trooper if you can handle Candie and her strobe flashlight whilst juggling, I can too. Anybody have band aids just in case?

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

      I made it to the end of day, even if michael didn't.

    • Paper Moon profile image

      Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

      Tom- quick, I need your help.  I chose  to go with the first one, but that gave  me ideas about sex. 

      Oh well, gotta die sometime.

      @GT- I would be careful going around with a face like that.  Grim Reaper might think he made a mistake and come back to finish the job.  :O

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

      Its my tribute. I think everyone should change their avatar to acknowledge the losses this week.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      This is what I get for getting out of bed. Everybody comments while I'm gone. Geez. How did I forget to put in chainsaw- and blind knife-juggling anyway? Oh, not to mention nuclear darts.

    • Ivorwen profile image

      Ivorwen 7 years ago from Hither and Yonder

      "Don't free the jammed garbage disposal with your hand.

      Don't pet dogs that are foaming at the mouth."

      Thanks!  I needed these reminders!  :)  Also, don't give the baby a knife.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      Another good one, Ivorwen! Thank you!

    • Feline Prophet profile image

      Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

      Reading hubs is allowed I see! :P

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      Another mistake! Thanks, Feline. DO NOT READ HUBS. Next thing ya know you'll want to write one...

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Randy, Trooper I'll bring a tackle box full of bandaids, and extra batteries for my flashlight..Tom can ride his bike in a circle around you!! This should be fun!!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      If I could just carry a full-throttle chainsaw in one hand and a bayonet in my teeth as I ride, it's a deal!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      I would be there to see this!! LOL!!! Will you be in bike shorts? Very bold fashion/fearless statement!

      I've upgraded my avatar for Farrah and breast cancer fight!

    • Paper Moon profile image

      Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

      I have been told bike shorts are a no no. I am sure they are not safe!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Bike shorts aren't very pleasant, anyway, especially those that have to look at others wearing them.

    • feeweewv profile image

      feeweewv 7 years ago from Between A Dream And Reality

      I was lounging by the pool with a book and watching my kids play. It still seems like a good thing to do today. I will let you know if something goes horribly wrong. LOL :)

    • profile image

      Am I dead, yet? 7 years ago

      Tom, nicely put. I knew you see the world as I do! No problem with me complying to your list here. Much of it seem make the most sense.

      -you are kidding, right?-

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      Yes, bike shorts. I'm beautiful in them. Try being in a peloton and looking at the guy in front of you for ten miles. Whee.

      Felicia, I think you can't go wrong - watch the chlorine levels, though.

      Would I kid you, AIDY?

    • sugz profile image

      sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand

      well, as i read your funny list, i scrolled down an realised it was written 13 months ago.. if i knew then what i know now after reading your instructions i could have stayed in bed and just malfunctioned, but instead i fell on it today and now i'm tempted to go to bed with my laptop and stay that way but, um it's 13months later and i'm wakening your hub to see who else forgot to stay in bed for 13 months, but instead got up to the world with a giggle in their voice and realised getting out of bed to the dangers of life is a silly dang choice... ;)

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      Well, there are worse ideas than staying in bed all day. Maybe I'll do it, too.

    • sugz profile image

      sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand

      hehe i wish i could but since its after 10pm, and i've still got loads of work to do, thankfully the only danger i have right now is styaing awake all night while a gigantic fan rumbles inside the roof of my house for the next three weeks dtrying the rafters.. not much point going an laying in bed, night or day. might have to join the kitten on the couch lol

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