Banning All Mullets
Disclaimer: This Hub is intended to be read as humor and not to cause hurt feelings to those who actually wear mullets.
I co-authored this with my high-school aged niece for a government homework assignment.
AN ACT TO: Make unlawful the wearing of a mullet in the United States.
Bill Sponser: (H)
School: Philomath High School
Endorsed By: Mr. Crocker
The hairstyle known as the "mullet" is crude, unsightly, and offensive to all persons within visual range, therefore it should be banned.
Be it enacted by the Senate and the House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assemble, as follows:
SECTION 1: The hairstyle by which a person wears a segment of their hair short in the front and long in the back is known as a mullet. Specifically, any portion of the front of the scalp that is larger than ten percent of the whole and cut short (short is considered four inches or less) with the remaining portion of the scalp with a hair length of eight inches and longer is defined as a mullet.
It should be noted that many hairstyles of varying lengths are entirely appropriate and acceptable. For example, bangs are acceptable; bangs being defined as a section smaller than ten percent of the scalp with the balance of the scalp in any choice of style. Further, any choice of layers with the front shorter is acceptable.
SECTION 2: Any hairstylist who participates in the creation of a mullet is an accessory to the crime and punitive damages will apply.
SECTION 3: Any person found to be wearing a mullet as a first offense shall be fined a minimum of $1000.00. Further, their head shall be shaved and shall remain so for a period of one year.
If a second offense should occur, the person in question shall be shot by firing squad, unless mental deficiency can be proved in a court of law.
JUSTIFICATION: A mullet is cheesy and an entirely unnecessary hairstyle. A person should be all "business" or all "party", NOT both.
BILL SUMMARY: This bill would require the removal of the "mullet" hairstyle from society. It should be noted that this Bill, once passed, will be in effect even in the event of an apocalypse.