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Beards & Poo Water

Updated on November 13, 2015
I doodle like a toddler or like a right handed gorilla trying to draw with his left hand. I suck.
I doodle like a toddler or like a right handed gorilla trying to draw with his left hand. I suck.

Tis’ the season of dudes getting awkward hair growth on their face in an attempt to attract women who are into Lumbersexual hunks. Most will fail miserably and grow awkward looking Guido mustaches and look like middle school boys first encountering puberty. That’s right! You and your squeaky voices will crumble amongst us elite who can grow thick face pubes. By crumble I mean you will miss out on hipster girls, who usually ignore your fierce attempts at interacting with them, now at least acknowledging you exist until you converse with them and spout out weird things like, “How would you feel about starting a cat brothel?” As it turns out beards can give you a +10 stat boost to your appeal, but there is no buffing your awkwardness. (Look at me! Fallout 4 came out! I’m being relevant! Self high-five) Amongst all the fun and pomp and circumstance of Movember it’s easy to forget the purpose of it, which is man ass. More specifically the inner working of the ass region with the prostate. The original purpose of this schtick was to raise awareness of this issue and you were supposed to donate before you birthed a face ferret. Over the years it’s kind of just evolved into donating to charity in general, but it’s mostly just dudes having an excuse to not shave for a month. Which is fine, but many forget to help charities out. Soooo I’m here to make a suggestion for an organization I actually trust!

Invisible Children & Creepy Dudes

After the Invisible Children debacle where it turned out the CEO of this ‘charity’ which was supposed to be designed to help get children out of child armies in Africa, AKA an awesome cause, was pocketing like a 6 figure yearly salary and was out getting messed up on drugs and jerking off on cars, because yes, this really happened. I’ve been a bit jaded on most charities. Something about some Christian Bale from American Psycho running around fake slaying Kony rubbed me the wrong way. Not to say he chainsawed hookers, but he was a naked rich white guy who was crazy. This caused me to look into how a lot of Charities run. Now I’m not a naive simpleton dumb face, there’s got to be administrative cost to run any organization. Someone donating that much time into efficiently running a place needs compensated somehow. What I do have an issue with is a lot of these groups mislead you into thinking the money you are donating is going directly to the cause, when in reality, for most of the major charities it’s only something like half of the money is going to what you think. So, while you think you’re curing kitten AIDS, some Don Drapper looking guy is sipping on bourbon and busting a nut on a car with your kind donation. Now this is generalized and even these major organizations do a lot of good with that dinero so please continue making it rain on these guys. It’s all ultimately good. However, I found both a cause and organization that I adore. They aid in ridding the world of poo water.


This organization is called, “Charity:Water”. What I love about them is they seem very transparent. They tell you upfront that they need administrative donations to run it successfully. The cool thing is the founder, Scott Harrison, had a ton of networking connection by being a party promoter, and is able to get all the administrative cost covered under corporate donations. Scott partied so many faces off that he got funding for this rad charity. So, everything us normal peasants donate goes directly to the cause. They even send you email updates on what exactly your sheckles paid for.

“Oh beardy Brett, with your beautiful face of scruffle and person of awkward human interactions, why would I not like to give money to Sir Rockefellar Bust-A-Nut and instead help Charity: Water” Solid question reader. Did you know that over 600 million people in the world don’t have access to clean water? Water. The like most basic human need to live. That and sushi. Kids in third world countries have to wade in a public river, watch their brother upstream take a dookie, then proceed to dunk their face into the water and drink it. Just to live. Poo water is real. And disgusting. No one should have to have that. Then they inevitably live the real life version of The Oregon Trail and die of dysentery. That’s awful. What Charity: Water does, with 100% of your donations, is go into these 3rd World Countries and build filtration systems. Which are magical devices that go all Rhonda Rousey on poo water and submission it into being clean. The only difference is, it takes more than like 30 seconds to kick ass. However, the most basic life need is then met there. That’s a hard thing for me to stomach when someone can’t live because they don’t have water. Something we Linda Blair style projectile vomit chlorine on and swim around in for funsies. I piss in a toliet that has water that could save a life. That’s messed up. Thus, this month I prod you to google Charity:Water. Not shave your face, or legs .... ladies, become a Wookie with me and end poo water!

For more information on Charity:Water drag your mouse over this link. Play Phil Collins, "In The Air Tonight". Then right when the drums kick in slam your finger on the clicker, for the most epic introduction to this group:

Thanks for reading this post. You nerd who still reads. =p


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