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Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Updated on November 7, 2014

I have always loved Chuck Norris jokes, and wanted to share some of my most favorite ones.

1. Chuck Norris isn't scared of spiders, spiders are scared of Chuck Norris.

2. There used to be Chuck Norris Ave. in my town, but everyone was terrified to cross Chuck Norris.

3. Chuck Norris actually passed away 35 years ago, but the Angel of Death is too frightened to let him know.

4. In Chuck Norris' den he has a panther rug; the panther is actually still alive, it's too scared to move for fear of Chuck Norris.

5. The reason why there are no signs of life in Mars is because Chuck Norris has already been there.

6. Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet, he scares the crap out of it.

7. Chuck Norris jokes don't exist, no one jokes about Chuck Norris and survives a round house kick to the head.

8. It doesn't rain, those are Chuck Norris' tears.

9. Latin is a dead language because Chuck Norris killed it.

10. Chuck Norris isn't made of matter, matter is made out of Chuck Norris.

11. Chuck Norris knows every number in pi.

12. Death almost had a Near Chuck Norris experience. Death now goes to church.

13. Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the ghosts, ghosts are afraid of him.

14. Since Chuck Norris' birth, round house related fatalities have gone up 2000%.

15. When Chuck Norris was an infant, he tucked his mom in and sang her to sleep.

16. Chuck Norris invented the post-it note.....and the internet.

17. Chuck Norris really did kill two birds with one stone.

18. Chuck Norris can drink water with chopsticks.

19. When Chuck Norris stares at the sun, the sun blinks.

20. When Chuck Norris slices onions, the onions cry.

21. Chuck Norris thinks guns are for chicks.


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    • profile image

      Kidz Cards 

      4 years ago

      I love Walker Texas Ranger and the old sidekick Trivette

    • mio cid profile image

      mio cid 

      4 years ago from Uruguay

      I once made the mistake of trying to tell some Chuck Norris jokes and I couldn't tell more than three because I started laughing my ass off rolling on the floor just thinking about them.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      4 years ago

      Oh so funny! I love Chuck Norris and watch his movies when I can get them in my schedule. I just read Itshatyoukeep's post -- I am still laughing! Great post!

    • Alli Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Alli Rose Smith 

      4 years ago from Washington, DC

      Itswhatyoukeep, that is genius!

    • Alli Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Alli Rose Smith 

      4 years ago from Washington, DC

      William, that's a good one!

    • William Avitt profile image

      William Avitt 

      4 years ago from Dayton, Ohio

      Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries.

    • Itswhatyoukeep profile image


      4 years ago

      There is no theory of evolution. There is just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

      Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he needs.

      Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

      Before he goes to sleep, the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the back of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the 13th. That same evening, he hit the lottery.

    • Carol McCullough profile image

      Success In Life 

      4 years ago from U.S.

      Chuck Norris was Great,! One of the Best Actors! Love Texas Ranger

    • vkwok profile image

      Victor W. Kwok 

      4 years ago from Hawaii

      Nice, Alli!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      4 years ago from The Caribbean

      Really entertaining. Thanks for something to smile about.

    • tirelesstraveler profile image

      Judy Specht 

      4 years ago from California

      My mother and boys always watched Walker Texas Ranger. Curious. These jokes had both my husband and I laughing.

    • ThelmaC profile image

      Thelma Raker Coffone 

      4 years ago from Blue Ridge Mountains, USA

      Funny! Love Chuck Norris.

    • Venkatachari M profile image

      Venkatachari M 

      4 years ago from Hyderabad, India

      Very funny jokes beautifully crafted. Thanks for sharing.

    • Alli Rose profile imageAUTHOR

      Alli Rose Smith 

      4 years ago from Washington, DC

      Thanks guys! There are two things that make me laugh when I have a rough day, Chuck Norris jokes, and youtube videos of cats who look like hitler.

    • Efficient Admin profile image

      Michelle Dee 

      4 years ago from Charlotte, NC

      I love Walker Texas Ranger!

    • mdgardner profile image

      Martin D Gardner 

      4 years ago from Virginia Beach

      Chuck Norris is one of my all time favorites. Voted up!

    • FatGreenParrot profile image

      Brad Josh 

      4 years ago

      Lmao, these are amazing :D


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