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Best Office Quotes Ever

Updated on October 22, 2010
The Cast
The Cast

Michael Quotes

Ryan: Did this happen on company property?

Michael Scott: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.

Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?


Jim Halpert: Does that include 'that's what she said'?

Michael Scott: Mmhh, yes.

Jim Halpert: Wow that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.

Michael Scott: Mmmm... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!


Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know. There's gambling and alcohol... And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know. Is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?

Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Michael Scott
Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

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Jim and Pam
Jim and Pam

Jim Halpert Quotes

Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.

Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?

Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.

Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?

Dwight Schrute: Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?

Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.

Jim Halpert: You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?

Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!

Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.

Jim Halpert: Go.

Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.


Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then.


Jim Halpert: Where do you wanna go for dinner?

Pam Beesley: I donno I kind of hate all our regular places right now. [pause] Oh, you know what? That one--
[Jim stops and gets down on one knee]

Jim Halpert: Hey Pam. Will you wait for me one second, while I tie my shoe?

Pam Beesley: I hate you.
[Jim catches up to Pam, both laughing]

Jim Halpert: What! My shoe was untied. What is your problem? Oh my God! You thought I was- Oh, no no...

Pam Beesley: Ohh how could I have thought that? How could I have though that?


Jim Halpert: [to Andy playing the Moroccan guitar] Hey.

Andy: What's up? Jim Halpert: You take requests?

Andy: Sure.

Jim Halpert: Please stop. Because we're, having a Christmas party. [walks away]

Dwight K. Shrute
Dwight K. Shrute

Dwight Shrute Quotes

Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?

Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.

Dwight Schrute: Okay, tell him that that's not true.

Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he doesn't actually know one single fact about bear attacks.

Dwight Schrute: Okay. No. Jim tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!

Jim Halpert: Andy... No, it's too far.

Dwight Shrute: Damn you.


Dwight Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?

Ryan: A dime and a nickel.

Dwight Schrute: ...No I said one of them is not a nickel-

Ryan: But the other one is, I've heard that before.

Dwight Schrute: Okay. A man and a son get into a car accident, they're rushed to the hospital. Doctor says, 'there's no way I can operate on this boy--

Ryan: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.

Dwight Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-

Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.

Dwight Schrute: A hunter-

Ryan: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.

Dwight Schrute: DAMMIT!


Andy Bernard: Oh. By the way, 1985 called and it wants its car back.

Dwight Schrute: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine because I drive an '87.

Andy Bernard: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and guess what. Nobody came.

Dwight Schrute: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die.

Andy Bernard: Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.

Pam Beesly
Pam Beesly

Pam Beesly Quotes

Pam Beesly: Are those Michael's Levi's?

Ryan: Yeah. Who drycleans jeans?

Pam Beesly: Michael and his jeans... he gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I can tell you he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.


Michael Scott: Hey let me escort you to your desk.

Pam Beesly: Ok it's just... three or four steps but thank you. [sits down] Thank you.

Michael Scott: You and Jim are close, huh?

Pam Beesly: Yeah I think the pregnancy really brought us together.


Pam Beesly: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.


Michael Scott: So what we do, is we drive all day, and we stay in a hotel together at night.

Pam Beesly: Separate rooms.

Michael Scott: Well that goes without saying.

Pam Beesly: I'm gonna say it anyway.


Andy Bernard
Andy Bernard

Andy Bernard Quotes

Andy Bernard: Sabateur! Sabateur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game...the game is over, I'm really going to shoot you!


Dwight Schrute: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Andy Bernard: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of sales.

Dwight Schrute: So you'll be reporting to me then.

Andy Bernard: On the contrary.

Dwight Schrute: My title has "manager" in it.

Andy Bernard: And I'm a director. Which on a film set, is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?

Dwight Schrute: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Andy Bernard: Congratulations.


Andy Bernard: I really Schruted it.


Andy Bernard: [To Michael] I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses - hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown.


Thanks for reading quotes from the best comedy ever. I plan on adding more soon so come back and check it out.



Jim Halpert: Question. What kind of bear is best?

Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.

Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.

Dwight Schrute: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought--

Jim Halpert: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on?! What are you doing?!


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    • profile image


      5 years ago

      Micheal Dwight Jim Pam Ryan Andy Kevin Erin Creed Meredith Angela

      Oscar Phyllis Stanley Toby Kelly Daryl Jan Holly Roy Nellie Clark Pete

    • jericho911 profile image

      Kenneth Claude 

      6 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks for the laughs.Check out my hubs..I have one dedicated to Steve Carell on the show

    • profile image


      6 years ago


    • Alexander Brenner profile image

      Alexander Brenner 

      7 years ago from Laguna Hills, California

      Thank You for posting. A joy to read!

    • Unknown823 profile image


      8 years ago from I post from my house.

      The very last one is my all-time favorite Office quote.

    • angela_michelle profile image

      Angela Michelle Schultz 

      9 years ago from United States

      Man, I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!

    • teenmusicscene profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Texas

      It is very hard to do, there is always at least one thing in each episode that is really funny. Ha, that is funny, glad you liked the hub.

    • Jen's Solitude profile image

      Jen's Solitude 

      9 years ago from Delaware

      Oh wow, I could never pick THE funniest because they are all so funny so many different reasons. My husband doesn't understand why this show makes me laugh, but I watch it all the time and now he just leaves the room. LOL Great quotes!

    • teenmusicscene profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Texas

      Thanks! There is a lot of funny stuff in this show.

    • Michael Shane profile image

      Michael Shane 

      9 years ago from Gadsden, Alabama

      Very creative & funny too! Great job!


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