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Bring Me The HAIR of Donald Trump!
Trump's Power Emanates From Awesome Hair
Do you notice how rich tycoons pay top dollar for fancy wigs, extensions, and toupees? Do you ever wonder why African lions, such as Cecil, are disappearing in droves? Could there be a connection with golden hair and the graceful African lion manes?
Well...there is a shocking truth. Beautiful hair from the golden, amber, or umber fibers seen in toupees originates from our proud lion kin who are slaughtered everyday for politicians' allure. The most fashionable candidate of lion's mane toupees is Donal Trump; fortunately Senator Clinton humanely perms her hair & Senators represents the disenfranchised hairless voters such as pro-wrestlers.
Since Donald Trump wore his first toupee in 1993, his empire increased by six folds. A real estate investor once said, " he [Trump] is so persuasive in business, but I remember his hair being the key in the deal. It [the hair] was [seemed] doing most of the talking." By 1996, he was New York's top lion's mane purchaser. Not only did Trump purchase endangered lion fibers, he heavily invested and nearly cornered the market; until early 1998, the Asian Whale economy opened and out-demanded the need for African poached goods.
Recent evidence reveals the poachers of Cecil the Lion were paid by a third party from Trump's campaign team; the dentist was merely the fall guy. In his words, "I heard Cecil was suffering from feline gum disease. When I came to help, I heard shots fired and a van rode off with Cecil." Two rangers from the Wilderness Park identified a similar van by a small airport with Trump 2016 bumper sticker and a vanity plate stating: BIG $$$.
But why the need for a lion mane? Folklore often suggests those wearing skins of an animal posses its spirit. Given the nature of Donald Trump's popularity with his memorizing toupee, I would take into consideration of the truth in old folklore that Trump stole the ferocity of a lion. However, Cecil needlessly suffered and he is gradually eating Trumps heart. Cecil must be exercised to find peace!
Steps must be taken to purge the lion spirit before it becomes a demon and consumes Trump.
1) A bounty of 1, 000, 000 USD has been set for the capture of Donald Trump's Lion Toupee.
2) After the toupee is capture, cleansed of the lion's spirit by the local medicine man, and buried in the Wilderness Park...
3) Trump must hence force go bald or wear an ugly guy hat for the remainder of his days in memory to Cecil spirit.
(DID I MENTION THIS IS SARCASM)