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Britney Spears and the revenge of the panties

Updated on October 23, 2007
From the top and front...
From the top and front...
and from the back and behind...
and from the back and behind...

If you've been on the Internet since last December, you'll know that Britney Spears has been flashing her unmentionables since about that time. In fact if you first ventured onto the world wide web in December of 2006, you could be forgiven thinking that the Internet was some sort of giant shrine to Britney's genitalia. You'd be wrong of course, the Internet is a shrine dedicated to genitalia of all peoples, races, and colors.

At first we were shocked. Then we were amused, then we were sickened and befuddled. Just how did this keep happening? Why did Britney seem unable to keep herself decently covered? The question was posed to the media, to the public, to experts, and yet nobody seemed to be able to come up with an answer. Until now.

There's clearly only one thing going on with all this panty flashing rubbish, and that is that Britney Spears has somehow angered her panties. Britney's panties are pissed man, they're the angriest panties the world has ever seen, and they're not just going to sit there and take it anymore, they're getting out there, registering their discontent, making us all suffer when they fail to show up to work completely.

Even a trip into rehab failed to cure her of her flashing fetish, and she came out a short while later and began to bare her nipples and flash those panties to the world at large. Now sure, in some cases “flash the world at large” means “get caught by a photographer lying on the ground”, but it's all much of a muchness really.

Why are Britney's panties so angry? Do they have abandonment issues? Do they fear that she will one day leave them and parade about the highways and byways of this great globe with her unmentionables bare to the world? Maybe they're suffering from low self esteem. Maybe they don't feel needed anymore. That would explain the attention seeking behavior, the way that they seem to just sneak out at almost every available opportunity.

What Britney clearly needs is therapy. Clothing therapy. She need a stylist with a degree in psychology, to try and work some sort of truce between her and her underwear. Perhaps UN Secretary General Kofi Annan could step in here, he's done good work before in hopeless situations, and though there is a greater divide between Britney and good taste than there ever has been between East and West, we must keep the faith. We must believe that there is some hope that one day, Britney will remain decently clothed the entire time she is out in public, that her genitals will stay between her, whoever she's dating, and her doctor.

I have a dream.

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