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Carl the Critic: Reviews "The Midnight Meat Train" [Caution: Contains Plot Spoilers, and Brief Graphic Imagery]

Updated on December 19, 2014

"The Midnight Meat Train"

"The Midnight Meat Train" Trailer

Carl the Critic: Reviews "The Midnight Meat Train"

Experience/Expectations: I recently saw "Thor," and thought it was quite good over all [it wasn't perfect, but it was good.] But Thor's hammer looks pretty pathetic when compared to the meat hammer used by the murderer in the film "The Midnight Meat Train." I explain more in my CRITIQUE, but basically this movie was... It wasn't good but at the same time it wasn't bad either... Does that make any sense at all?... No?... Oh fine! Story time.

Story: The story is about a photographer who wants to take a photo of "the city" (unlike any one else has ever done before), and so he spends most of his time taking pictures of bizarre accidents (like in the beginning when a Taxi driver accidentally knocked a pedestrian into a store front window, and all the photographer cared about was the fact that his picture didn't have a shot of the poor bastards face.) One night he has the sudden urge to go to the train station, where he was able to stop a gang from molesting a pretty girl. The girl gets onto the train not knowing her fate is to be hit in the face with a meat hammer so hard it knocks her head 180 degrees. When the photographer learns that the girl he saved is now missing, he goes back to the train station and starts stalking a great BIG man with a BIG brief case with the words "Mahogany" written in BIG beautiful letters. The photographer believes that this BIG man might have something to do with the disappearance of the girl he saved.

CRITIQUE: There's something about this movie I really liked and yet there is something about this movie I really hated.

First off, the title is not accurate. The train schedule was around 2 in the morning not midnight. But I guess "The Two O'clock in the Morning Meat Train" doesn't sound as good as "The Midnight Meat Train."

Second, the blood in this movie is 90% CGI. It looks like the film makers used Adobe After Effects to do the stuff it did. For example remember how I said that The Murderer and his Meat Hammer (His name is Mahogany by the way, so I'll just call him that for now on) makes Thor and his Hammer look bad, well there's one scene where there are three character arguing amongst themselves, and Mahogany sneaks up behind one of the characters, who we'll name Pillock. Pillock's wife tries to warn him that there is a 7 foot tall guy with a meat hammer behind him but Pillock basically says "Shut Up Woman And Make Me A Sandwich!" But before he could finish saying "sandwich," Mahogany hits pillock in the back of the head with such great force that both of Pillock's eyes burst from his skull and fly out at the camera. He also hits a girl knocking her head 180 degrees around [and possibly] killing her. But the thing is it seriously looked as though they did this in Adobe After Effects, making it look really fake. It's like the bathtub scene in the movie "Mirrors," [If you haven't seen it watch it now I'll wait... Finished? Right it's like that fake but also disturbing.]

The movie does have moments of suspense that work really well. I remember watching as Mahogany sneaks up behind the girl (that the photographer had saved) and stands behind her for a really long time. He has the meat hammer in his hand so you know he's about to hit her, but you don't know when and then BOOM! CRACK 180 DEGREES! DEAD! But another thing that the film seems to do well is photography, (with some exceptions like a lot of scenes that are too dark so you don't know what the [fudge] is going on, but these are the same mistakes made in "The Godfather Part 2," and I am not sure that all of them are mistakes.) The framing seems to work and the sounds that are in the film are horrible and disgusting but are meant to be BECAUSE THIS IS A HORROR FILM!

On that note there are parts of the film that drag on, and some that I think are supposed to make you feel sorry for Mahogany. First of all, he's a murderer who bashes people in the head and face with a meat hammer so hard he was able to knock a guy's arm off at some point, and two he never speaks, it's going to take a lot of convincing to get anyone to like this guy. But there is one scene in particular, where Mahogany is in his apartment bathroom alone, cutting off some pretty disgusting tumors off his chest, and he has to take medicine otherwise he coughs up the only REAL (by really I mean not CGI) blood in the movie. Well I guess he's not such a bad guy after all and frankly he hits people in the face with a meat hammer in order to show a sign of affection! Speaking of which, like I said before, he never speaks, it's like feeling sorry for a carpet because it has no friends AND IT KILLS PEOPLE!

The story is well structured, and is cyclical, and the ending is one that I am so-so about. You see the ending starts bad but ends good. When it is all revealed at the end [See SPOILERS for more details] it's kind of lame, but the very, VERY end is actually satisfying in a way.

OVER ALL: I gave "The Midnight Meat Train" a 5.0 out of 10, because it is just so hard to say whether or not it was good or bad, but it has elements of both and I'll let you guys say for yourselves whether you like it or not, but I am warning you it is very graphic.

SPOILERS: Okay, get ready to be flabbergasted at the complexity of this ending, but for those who are not fans of horror films, you might not want to read the following:

Alright so basically the ending goes a little something like this, the photographer who is stalking Mahogany has a final show down with him deep in the tunnels under the city. It is here that we learn that there are these creatures (who strongly resemble Aliens from the movie "Aliens") who need to be fed. So after the Photographer finally kills Mahogany (it takes him a while to do so) it is revealed that there is a conspiracy to keep these creatures who live in the tunnels of the city a secret from everyone so every few years or so a man is destined (DESTINED NO LESS) to kill people on the trains so they can feed the creatures (so they don't leave the tunnels, go to the city, and have a gigantic smorgasbord), and to have their tongue ripped out (it reminds me of those fraternities that wont let you join unless you shove a carrot up your butt.) Any way believe it or not the Photographer must now take Mahogany's job, and be the one who has to lure people into the tunnels and have them prepared for the creatures who live in the tunnels. Oh and also, the Photographer had a girlfriend (whom he really liked obviously) who is killed and he has to eat her heart just to seal the deal. I know that this does not sound like a good ending, but if you watch the film from beginning to end the way it is filmed and structured is very well done.

What about you?

If you seen "The Midnight Meat Train," what did you think?

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"The Midnight Meat Train" on DVD and Bluray


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