ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Charles Dickens vs Ambien

Updated on November 24, 2015
This picture will kinda make sense once you get to the end...
This picture will kinda make sense once you get to the end...

I was at my place of employment the other day, diligently crunching numbers and making my boss copious amounts of money, by that I mean, I was hunched over my desk derping around on Reddit making it appear as if I were working when I came across across a topic on there, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve done not sober.” They all, of course, were gross random sex stories, and I’m certainly not suave enough to have elustriast sex stories, nonetheless something that would fall into a crazy sexescapade. I’m lucky to just being doing the deed in general. But I always make a point to high five after when I do have happyfuntime and maybe give them the double guns followed by a, “pew pew” noise. Ladies…. For some reason they never come back for seconds. Whatevs. Point being I have a tale. It involves me and sleeping medication. Getting un-sober on prescribed medication! Thug Life!


So many years ago when I was a baby adult of the age of 20 (Okay. Like 5 years ago. But I’m convinced I’m a 75 year old trapped in an awkward 25 year old body), I was struggling really badly with sleeping issues. I would go days of not sleeping and pretty much look like some weird zombie all the time. And this was before all the cool kids were doing bath salts to get that bitchin’ zombie look. Though the perk to mine was that I didn’t eat anyone’s face. As a result of my lack of sleeping I landed myself an appointment with my doctor. I was like, “Yo Doc! I’m looking like an MF’n extra in a George Romero movie. Homie not sleeping” and he was like, “Aw Hell Nah! Take dis shit niggz!” He then proceeded to make magical sleeping dust rain on me as if I were a high class stripper getting pelted with singles. (Author’s Note: Said dialogue was actually way more boring in real life. I just like to relive all of my past events as if I were in 8 Mile.) So, I was then prescribed Ambien! If you don’t know what that is I’ll fill you in. It’s this magical pill you take that knocks you the eff out. And by you. I mean your brain. While you sleep your body is then possessed by the soul of Nicholas Cage, who makes you do weird stuff, a la ‘Cage Rage’ and who also has access to your credit card. You do feel really well rested like 12 hours later though. You also awake completely oblivious to anything you’ve done during that 12 hours. It’s a complete mystery. You’re kinda like Neo waking up in The Matrix for the first time. Just very confused. Sometimes you’re also naked and covered in goo.

My parents had heard crazy tales of people doing odd stuff while on the Cage Rage Sleepytime pill, so they babysat me the first few times I took it. Beyond mumbling in my sleep a few times not too much bat-shittery ensued. So, I went back to my own house and on my first night branching out on my own with my prescription drug usage and being all growns up, therefore leaving my rents, I decided to get a good night’s sleep. My girlfriend, at the time, was staying over and that’s the only way I knew what transpired ….

Ambien, Mountains, and Dickens Oh My!

It started off with my normal mumbling and sounding kinda like Sloth from The Goonies. (Can’t confirm if I screamed Baby Ruth or not, but I wouldn’t be surprised) Then the Kraken was awoken. I, apparently, stood straight up with my eyes still closed and just ran down my stairs, got in a crawling position, then intensely crawled up my staircase screaming, “I will scale you Everest!” The proceeding 5 minutes was full of me slowly embarking on my miniature 10 ft. scale version of Mt. Everest. Through blood, sweat, and I assumed I might’ve even cannibalized my fellow imaginary climbers I reached the peak! Victory! I stood up and fist pumped the air yelling, “I’m the first man to climb Everest!” I then forced my girlfriend to hug me. As if doing that once wasn’t enough… I relived that experience apparently about 5-6 more times. From what went from weird but kind of adorable to my GF, has now crossed into, “Oh my God! I wish I had a DeLorean so I can go back in time and coax his mom into having an abortion. Jesus H. Macy!” She then had to like suplex me on to my bed and sit on me so I wouldn’t move till I finally passed. Or so I thought …. I woke up the next day on my couch with my laptop out and my credit card out. For whatever reason I didn’t put much thought into it. The lady told me about how weird I was with the Everest thing. I laughed. She fake laughed. Then we went on our merry way for the day.

Upon checking my email a few days later I found a lovely little Amazon Receipt for about $50 dollars worth of books. Now mind you, I read, but more like Stephen King and Mark Danielwiski and See Spot Run. I’ve never even put any thought into classic literature or really gave two corn-filled Indiana shits about it. Yet, here I am looking at a receipt for about 5 books over the life of Charles Dickens. I went full Scrooge mode over this and much like the ending to Mystery Of Edwin Drood I was blank …. Until I remembered waking up next to my laptop. What I deduced was that Cage Rage Brett is apparently into classic literature and Cliffhanger, and I purchased all of these books after I guess faked sleeping till my GF (Abbreviation for laziness and hipness.) passed out. I’m now all too aware that Dickens was kind of an asshat and had terrible hair. I never really gave a shit to know that, but for $50 I better learn something. Coincidentally, my GF & I split like 2 weeks later. I blame the Cage Rage. Certainly not the fact I’m a super weird dude. So, there’s probably the most embarrassing story of my life. Enjoy internet!

Follow me on Twitter! You nerds who still read blogs: @RyeBrett


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)