Chickens, Toilet Paper and Other Critical Issues
Eyes open, eyes closed
back crooked, back straight
Are you seeking God, is your body seeking God
Never mind, just be grateful you’re capable of farting
Like most debates, the debates about how to meditate are trivial compared to our bodily needs. In this post, I, like Rumi, answer important questions about life.
1. Toilet Paper--Should you roll it over or under? The whole debate misses the essential question of toilet paper placement. If the toilet paper is placed at shoulder level or higher, or you have a cramped bathroom, it should roll under to make it easier to reach. If you have to reach down to get the toilet paper, it must roll over the top for easy access. Debate over. Besides, 2.6 billion people in the world don’t even have sanitary water to drink.
2. Should you leave the toilet seat up or down? Are women telling me that they are less able to put a toilet seat down than men are of lifting the seat? What happened to women's liberation and equal rights? It is easier to bring down a toilet seat because you can use the force of gravity. Lifting a seat is harder; you have to use more force. So why do women get to leave the seat down when men have to lift it and put it back down? The exception is late at night when you can't see in the dark. So, men should sit down when they pee late at night in the dark; you won’t miss the bowl and you won’t leave the seat up, surprising your wife, partner or flatmate. Women, during the day, just put the seat down on your own.
3. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Knowing a little about genetics and evolution, I know that mutations occur in the sex cells, and thus the first occurrence of a chicken was a mutated cell in the fertilized egg. Thus, the egg contained the first chicken; the egg came first.
4. Why did the chicken cross the road? The question itself assumes chickens have some sort of intellectual capacity required to have an actual motive for crossing other than running for survival and pecking for food. Running and pecking is pretty much what chickens are about. Being fairly dumb, even for birds, chickens don’t have the brains for abstract decision making processes. Motives about crossing the road, “to deposit the check”, “to see my friends gallery exhibit” or “to bring my aunt lunch” are not what the bird is about. The answer, “To get to the other side” would involve a thought process these birds are not capable of.
5. Multitasking--Recent studies have questioned the efficacy of multitasking, saying it can’t be done well. Some say we are switching our attention so quickly that what we regard as simultaneous tasking is really rapid-sequence tasking. Some researchers say we don’t multitask well at all. Well, these researchers have apparently never seen a jazz drummer play.
Not only is Buddy Rich doing a left hand roll while hitting the toms with the right hand, he’s keeping a steady beat on the high hat with his left foot and doing something syncopated on the kick drum with his right foot. And for those of you who are scoffing and saying, “But drumming is ONE activity, dude,” what about drummers who sing?
It looks like Ringo is multitasking very well to me. Moreover, singing and playing any instrument, especially the trumpet, is a challenging, multitasking activity, and some people do it quite well.
For those of you who are not a world class, or any kind of, musician, here are some things you can do to multitask.
1. Evacuate your bowls and brush your teeth. Using the toilet is an activity that usually takes little concentration. That opens up the possibility of reading, combing your hair, or writing while on the toilet. For all you know, I’m on the toilet right now as I write this.
2. Conjugate verbs while you drive. Repetitive tasks like practicing rolling your Spanish Rs can be done without distracting you from your driving. If you’re driving between Tucson and Phoenix at midnight, no one is around. Without a distraction like reciting the periodic table of elements, you might drive yourself off the road out of sheer boredom.
3. Stuff food in your face while reading blog posts. This is what burritos, egg rolls, empanadas, and other hand foods are for. Perhaps we won’t chew as efficiently if we read while we eat, but how much danger will that really cause? I would NEVER, ever, drive and eat a burrito.
Is there some loss of skill when we multitask? Sure. But some things just don’t take that much skill or talent that multitasking would damage our performance.
On a side note: If you can’t multitask during sex, your lover may end up very unsatisfied.
6. What is the secret to happiness? Anyone who asks this question is not a happy person. And who says happiness is the ultimate goal in life?