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Chivs86 Satire - Come Dine with me

Updated on April 21, 2019

Me + cooking – you could say we both have a kind of love and hate relationship. It's like that I love cooking – going out, buying the ingredients – getting a nice clean kitchen ready and of course finally getting to eat the food... but odd as it sounds it really does feel like cooking – if my actions could describe their own feelings towards the tasks involved – must absolutely hate me. I mean literally if it's not burning my food then it's almost blowing up my kitchen appliances in the process. Granted I do mostly (and mostly being a term I use very loosely by the way!) most of the time manage to salvage myself an edible meal but of course there are the occasions when I have to say to myself - I really can't eat that! Like no disrespect to the poor, hungry people around the world. I hate throwing food away but put a plate of my burnt chips in front of them – I'm not sure they'd still have the same appetite. Maybe not funny but sometimes I really just can't help myself. Like as I said I hate wasting food and even just the thought of wasting food but It is really like this and I just can't help it. Give me any item of food – Meat, Fish, Vegetables, Pasta or Rice. Literally anything – Jelly, Ice Cream, Biscuits and I will still manage to burn them. You only have to ask my neighbours to find this out, or even just keep watch in front of my kitchen window - because when you see a cloud of black smoke that's when I'm cooking and this happens pretty much every meal time.. Now just take the morning toast for example – something that may I add, I like to have right way - first thing when I wake up and I suppose you could kind of say it's a compulsion. It's the same every time – I'll put the bread under the grill. I'll switch the grill on and then wait for it to cook. Note: You may at this point wonder why I don't have a toaster. It isn't because I'm old fashioned but if you noticed that I mentioned briefly before about blowing up the kitchen appliances – you might have some idea of what might happen. I should buy another one and I know but is just the getting round to it part but when I do though - will definitely have to make sure of two things; that 1.) when I do buy one that I also buy a roll of yellow tape and safety goggles, and 2.) I keep it as far away as possible from the hobs on top of the oven. Anyway though. So as I was saying – What I'll usually do is put the bread under the grill, turn the grill on and then wait. Not rocket science I know but my problem is always the waiting. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Which as you may gather is certainly the most important part but what I'll usually do is take a quick wander into the other room. I might go and grab my dirty clothes to put in the washing machine or whatever. Maybe have a quick tidy up but I swear I'll take my eye off the grill for only a split second and off goes the smoke alarm.I tell you if only it would just go off when the toast was actually ready and not when all that's left is a flat square lump of charcoal – it would so make my life a whole lot easier, but it really is like sods law. If I actually do wait by the grill to make sure I don't burn the toast then it never cooks as quickly as when I'm not waiting. It's like the damn thing has a mind of it's own and only wants to work when someone (i.e, me) is not breathing down it's neck. Then again I really can't win either way and this is when I'm cooking all foods not just toast. Like lets say I do make an effort to not burn anything. I set the alarm on my phone for when the food should be ready. The alarm goes off – I check the food but it isn't quite done yet. So I set the alarm again. This time for another 5 minutes but this is just my luck - still not quite ready. So another 5 minutes or whatever but then I think no 2 minutes should be just fine and same as. Still not done yet. So next time I don't set the alarm at all, because lets face it – it's only 2 minutes but then what happens? Ring! Ring! but it's not the alarm on my phone that's supposed to tell me my foods ready. No! because that would be a slight tad too convenient. If it's not the fire alarm it's the fire engine racing up the road because my kitchens on fire. I tell you. I'm so lucky I'm not one of these people who take the batteries out. I'd rather not even think of the consequences. I don't think I'd be doing what I'm doing now – put it that way. Back to what I was saying though. It's so typical because every time it's the same – I take my eye of the ball for 1 minute. Sometimes not even that and each time all hell breaks loose. I said it earlier – I love cooking but cooking hates me. I wonder sometimes that maybe I should try cleaning my oven every once in a while. Show it some respect. To see if it shows me some respect back - because let's say that what if! What if it had a mind of it's own – like after years of setting it on fire and never cleaning it very well it just burns my food out of spite on purpose every time. Wouldn't it be like my karma for years of neglect. I mean I'm just so glad my oven doesn't talk – because I'm sure if it did I would never hear the end of it. Mind you though from all my years cooking I wouldn't say it's not always been a complete disaster. As I will say - you know what - It does actually turn out OK sometimes. As believe it or not! Dare I say it, It's not always bad but I do think. What if I did actually cook for other people? Like maybe they'd be pleasantly surprised! Maybe I could exceed all of my own expectations and actually prepare a delicious meal that not only I fully enjoy but so do other people. Though doing so it's another thing - I think of the reality TV show on Channel 4 - Come Dine with Me! It's maybe not quite the same but this thought always makes me have a little giggle to myself. Just the thought of myself and having four complete strangers round mine for dinner. Plus not to mention having it on the TV. I think it would be more like a sitcom than anything else. Fair enough everything could go without a hitch. No problems. I can't help think though what if it doesn't run so smoothly. How funny would it be to catch all this on film. Me cooking in the kitchen whilst the other contestants are sat waiting hungry in the living room. Not to mention though - what about the £1000 prize money. Imagine if I actually needed it quite badly and this was the reason for me applying to go on this show.It will be like crazy right. I'll be like so I'm going to cook something really special because let's face it I really want to win this. Now what could possibly go wrong? Let's see – for a start I'm not an Octopus. The pasta's boiling over and the sauce is starting to burn. The lobster I forgot to defrost so I'm juggling trying to salvage the pasta and sauce whilst blasting out the hair dryer trying to thaw out the main course. Now what could go possibly wrong? Let's see – pudding! The Pancakes are stuck to the ceiling and the Ice Cream - plastic tub and all - has melted to the oven hob because in between trying to finish off my main course and make pudding, and whilst trying to fob off my increasingly more impatient, possibly starving hungry guests with more wine - I have without realizing it forgotten to turn off the front ring. Great! Dinner is half frozen / half burnt and the pudding is stuck to the ceiling with no Ice Cream. Lovely! Wonder what my rating will be out of 30? This is of course the worst case scenario. I mean I could always phone a take away and pretend It's an old family recipe. Cheating has got to be better than nearly burning my kitchen down and giving all my house guests salmonella. Of course unless they all die from it. A bit grim but maybe by default I get to keep all the prize money. Of course I'm not that wicked but food for thought as they say. So maybe get a take away and maybe let the restaurant earn commission if I win. As long as everybody is happy with the food and I don't get caught having it delivered that is. Can you imagine it - the guests standing by whilst I'm paying for their dinner – “Who is this then?” I can't think what I'd say – “Oh this is my cousin from India (first name that comes into my head) he's just came to drop off a few herbs and spices. The money is for petrol for him driving over”. That or “Oh everyone meet John from next door. He's just come to lend me some ingredients and borrow some money”. How convenient. Either way I'm lying through the skin of my teeth. They do say though that 'this is the show in show business'. I'm sure Channel 4 would have a field day if I was to go on there. Though would I? No is the answer. It would be funny to hear them say in the commentary about how dangerous my methods of cooking are and please Don't Try This At Home but some things just aren't for certain people and for me these are cooking safely and appearing on reality TV shows.


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