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Chris Lincoln's Lemon County VS My Town
These are all real pictures of my town
I was a-readin’ on the hub pages, and I come across this here hub called “Lemon County, a wry look at our laughable lives..” by Chris Lincoln (link right here--- (http://hubpages.com/hub/Suburban-living-Lemon-County-a-wry-look-at-our-laughable-lives)
It were a perty good hub, and it got me ter thinking. I’m frum a place a lot like that there lemony place, and my place is perty greet too. So I sits myself reet down and says, “Self, why dontcha write yer own hub ‘bout yer own place.” So I did. Heer it is.
First off, we’re a perty town with them there hills and stuff just like Chris Lincoln’s place. We may not be God’s place, but I’m perty sure He takes a vacation heer from time ter time.
I don’t rightly know what a “cosmetically impaired” house is, but we sure as shootin’ got them there bars same as Chris. Well, OK, it ain't rightly a bar, it's a liquor store, but we buy our beer and hang out there. They sell Bud Light, and Milwalkee’s Best. And see, that there’s funny, ‘cause we all a knowd that Milwalkee sucks, so it’s too bad they done said they brewed their best. We get a right good chuckle outta that.
Now we don’t got none of them fashion po lece the way Lemon county folks do. I s’pose we don’t need ‘em. We wear the latest styles from the Salvation Army. We knows people won’t be a givin’ junk to Salvation Army. Why I got the best legwarmers ever; I bought ‘em there last month, and my brother, he got hisself this real nice lookin’ bomber jacket. Yessir, we don’t be needin’ no fashion po lece!
Now we do got them regular po lece. Them guys is right nice so I guess we cain’t rightly laugh at ‘em. I’d like ta, but they get my cat outta my tree once every week or so, so I won’t. Them theres some hard workin’ fellas.
Now we got us a downtown too, don’t a be thinking we don’t. We don’t got no fancy mall thingy, but we got us a gas station that makes pizzas and a grocery store that’ll sell yer old stuff out on theer sidewalk. Most a the stuff out on thet sidewalk is soggy due to it rainin’ on it fer it gets sold; but sometimes we buy it anyway ta make people feel better.
The only bad thing is on Sundays ya gotta buy yer pizza, gas, and soggy sidewalk stuff afore four, cause they gonna close early on ya (four o’clock) on that there Sunday day. I think that’s funny ‘cause aint no one goes to church after four, so I’ain't rightly sure why they close that early. They mostly stay open ‘till 8 ceptin’ on Sunday like I jest said. I won’t be lyin’ ta ya. In my town, we like that there thing called “thee night life”. Jest don’t wantcha ter be surpirzed if ‘n ya come visit.
That brings me ta churches. Lemon county’s got two, well HA HA Chris Lincoln, my town’s got 14. ‘Course, I ain't sure how many people live in yer town, so it ain't fair to compare. We got us almost a thousan’ people. You can see why we’d be needin’ a bunch of churches. That’s a lot a people to fit inta one Bingo hall!
We all be conservatatin’ people in my town too. We knowd what that was a long time ago. We save all our bottles and cans (and there’s a lot from hangin' out around that theer liquor store) and we let Billy Bob put ‘em in his bye-cycle basket and ride ‘em around our town. That’s called re-cyclin’, and we’re perty dern good at it.
A lot of us thought about puttin’ our kids in those fancy private schools too. We just never could figure out how to get past those “no tresspassin’ “ signs. Guess it weren’t meant ta be. Most a us just homeschool. We be pretty good at readin’ and ritin’ and stuff. Besides, my mamma always said, “Anything ya cain’t learn by milking a cow ain’t worth learnin’”
I hate ter admit it, but there’s a couple a uppity people in my town, too. I don’t wanna be namin’ names, but Betsy Matison, and Wilbur Humphry are two a them. Matter a fact, they think ‘cause they own the only two double wides in the park that makes ‘em better’n us. They even made sum rules we’re s’pose ta follow. They said somethin’ ‘bout us not doin’ that obstructin’ thing with the views too.
So, now we cain’t have more than 2 cars up on blocks at a time, and if a one of us is out there workin’ on a car, we hafta have a perty girl out there with us. (That was the “view” part). They said they’d rather she weren’t related, but if she was, she was.
They also said we cain’t be a shootin’ at other people’s cats. Now that’s downright funny. Everybody knowd we only shoot at our own cats.
Unlike Lemon County, most a the people in my town were born and raised here. Don’t know why, but is seems like we just don’t ever leave. It's proly 'cause it's a greet town, jest like yer town, Chris. Now that I write all this here stuff down, I can see that Chris’s town, and my town is very much the same. Why I bet if we had a Bar-B-Que and Pig Pullin’ them there Lemon county type people'd come right down and visit. I suppose it would be OK, long as they didn’t shoot any a our cats while they was here.
Author's note: The most difficult thing about writing this piece was making sure I didn't use proper grammar or good spelling too often. The funniest thing was that my grammar check seemed to think most of my grammar was perfect. Take note, kids.
In Case You Missed It, Here's Chris Lincoln's Hub
- Lemon County, a wry look at our laughable lives...
Lemon County California Welcome to Lemon County... Nestled between the (occasionally visible) flanks of Humpback mountain and the Specific Ocean lies the Southern Californian paradise of Lemon County....