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If you deep-fry Santa Claus...
...do you end up with a Crisp Cringle?
Yes, it's that time of year again, and everyone's expected to have at least a few good Christmas one-liners and short puns on the tips of their tongues to entertain the kids and make the adults groan.
I've collected some of my favorites - hope you like them.
Is it rain, or is it snow?
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Punny Gifts from Amazon
The Christmas Alphabet
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet? (The Christmas alphabet has no L.)
What does December have that other months don't have? (The letter D)
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What language does Santa Claus speak?
Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
(The North Pool)
Santa Claus take pictures with a North Pole-aroid camera.
Santa is a good race car driver because he's always in the pole position.
When Santa goes skiing, does he use a North Pole?
What is green, covered with tinsel and says, "Ribbit, ribbit?"
I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn't have the gift.
Stealing Santa's bag of toys on Christmas Eve would be absolute sackrilege!
He gave her a fork for Christmas because there is no tine like the present.
To some, Christmas is about other people's presence.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
One Christmas, Sam and Laura built an ice-skating rink in the middle of their pasture.
A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the new rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepard began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," Sam said, "He's trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
More Christmas one-liners
Santa and his wife travel on an icicle built for two.
If you ate the Christmas decorations, would you get Tinselitis?
What is green, covered with tinsel and says, "Rabbit, rabbit?" (A mistle-toad)
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, would he be a subordinate claus?
When your Christmas tree explodes, is it a tannen-bomb?
What song do Santa's reindeer sing on his birthday?
(Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow)
Who makes toy guitars and sings, "Blue Christmas?" - Elfis
An Elf's legs are just long enough to reach the ground.
Do Elves go to school to learn the elfabet?
Santa's little helper was depressed - he had low elf esteem.
What did the guests sing at Elve's Christmas party?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
What does a reindeer say before telling a joke? - This one will sleigh you!
What do you call a reindeer who wears ear muffs? (Anything you want. He can't hear you, anyway)
Do reindeer decorate their Christmas trees with hornaments?
Reindeer don't go to public school, they're elf taught.
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Does Scrooge loves Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer because every buck is dear to him?
How do you know if there's a reindeer in your refrigerator?
(The hoofprints in the butter!)
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
A guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.
Honesty is a virtue...
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
The FAA, Santa's Friend
Like all pilots, Santa gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation for Santa's annual flight.
Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer, got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's gigantic payload. Finally, they were ready for the evaluation flight. Santa got in, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked his compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Mommy, Can I have a doggie for Christmas?
Not a chance! You can have turkey like everyone else!
According to the Alaska Department of Fish & Game...
...while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers until after they give birth in the Spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen...has to be female. We should have known this... Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
How about sharing them here?