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Chuck Versus the Cult Tribute: Jeffster!

Updated on June 20, 2015

Yup, what you are seeing right now isn't a mirage. It's real; it's a second column from yours truly today. I know, I can't believe it either. Turns out, as much as I love writing about Lucha Underground, it takes forever and ever and ever to finish a column about the subject. Luckily, writing a movie review doesn't do that, which allows me to not be mentally tuckered out afterwards, which then allows more columns to be written. Although seeing as it took two minutes for me to figure out how to write that last sentence correctly, perhaps fatigue is setting in. Wonderful. I don't know who to blame for this, I just know whoever it is going to pay, Smoking Man in the X-Files finale style. We'll just ignore the fact that he's returning for the new season and is apparently such an amazing dude that he managed to survive being vaporized by a missile. Valhalla wants no part of him!

But enough about The X-Files, we're talking Chuck tonight. Yes, after starting to write about Chuck on the old site not too long ago, I thought it be a good idea to return to the subject tonight, with a Cult Tribute. But not just any Cult Tribute; this is a special kind, something I'm going to call Chuck Versus the Cult Tribute. I know, there's a 99% chance this is solidifying me for the inaugural class of the mega nerd Hall of Fame (a class featuring Felicia Day, Xander Harris and the band that performed that song from the Pepsi Blue commercial), but so what? It fits with what I'm going with, and that's all that matters. So what will I be paying tribute from the Chuckverse tonight? Simply but, the greatest slacker duo in Buy More history, a two man band the likes of which Local H could only dream of being and two stalkers whose ability to lurk is as special as Zach Levine's ability to dunk. I think I made it pretty obvious who this is huh? Thus, with that said, grab a late night Pepsi, grab that bag of Doritos you've been saving and sit back. This is a Cult Tribute to the dimwitted duo of Chuck, Jeffster!

What You Already Know


Jeffery Barnes and Lester Patel are best friends working at the Burbank Buy More. Alright, working might be a strong word. For the most part, Jeff and Lester are either goofing off, accidentally getting involved in Chuck's adventures or continuing to uphold their reputation of the Michael Jordan and Scotty Pippin of stalking (I guess that makes Morgan Phil Jackson in this scenario). Oh, they also are the only two members of an outrageously over the top cover band that is 100% goofy and 100% better than you could possibly imagine. I personally have them ranked right behind Me First and the Gimme Gimmes in the top cover bands pantheon, thought that will change once the inevitable Rage Against the Machine/Dragon Ball Z cover band is formed. Their name; Krillin in the Name Of. I'll be here all of tomorrow!


What You Didn't Know


Did you know that Lester was Canadian?! Is that common knowledge among the Chuck populace? Yes, Mr. Patel (no relation to Scott Pilgrim's Matthew Patel, unfortunately) was born in the Great White North, Saskatchewan to be exact. Where in Saskatchewan is unclear; all we know is that Lester was raised in what he calls a Hinjew community, which more than likely was a cult and obviously had no effect whatsoever on Lester's vast quirkiness. Am I the only one who wishes we had gotten to know more about Lester's background? All we ever got was that episode where he was arranged to be married to that very attractive lady, leading to a scene that I'm pretty sure was an outtake from Kevin Smith's Tusk.

A tiny glimpse of Lester's creepy Canadian hut.
A tiny glimpse of Lester's creepy Canadian hut.

Apart from their performances within the Chuck universe, Jeffster! has actually broke the fourth wall on a couple of occasions. The first was at the 2009 comic con, where Jeffster! kicked off the Chuck panel with a pretty chill cover of Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" (most underrated Queen song of all time by the way). Unwilling to quit while they were ahead, the duo returned the next two years for more, dancing to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" and doing a music video for Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger." Deadpool can't believe how many times these two broke the fourth wall. And yes, I know you're wondering which of the three was the best performance, and as per usual, I have the answer. It's "Fat Bottomed Girls". Let's be real people, it's Queen. The only way you're beating Queen is if Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin is involved.


Best Moment


I know what you're thinking; he's totally going with either the "Africa" performance or the show ending cover of "Take Me On." And well...you'd totally be right. Hey, sometimes predictability is the best result for everyone involved. Don't let John Cena's constant ruining of everything fool you. Anyways, yes, one of these two performances is the greatest thing in Jeffster! history. Which one is it though? Honestly, I have to go with "Take Me On", and not just because Reel Big Fish's cover of it makes me happier than a Yvonne Strahovski-Paige pillow fight (just kidding. Nothing would make me happier than that). This was the last song Jeffster! ever did for a live TV audience, and not only did they go out with a bang, they went out with the force of a nuclear strike. This performance was so good, Jeffster! is currently killing it in the German pop charts (yes, they're in Germany. True story) and aha quit life immediately after it ended. Oh, and a bomb was stopped from going off, largely because Jeffster! kept sound going in that theater long enough for Chuck to diffuse it. Best moment? Best moment? Best moment. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go jam to some Reel Big Fish.

Conclusion


Of all the Buy More employees in all the land, Jeffster! were the most entertaining of them all. That's not an insult to Big Mike, Anna Woo or the great HARRY TANG, it's just the fact. Jeffster! was as good as it got as far as entertaining supporting characters went. They were uproariously funny, they had some of the most outlandish segments in the history of the show, and best of all, they always somehow managed to get involved in the big story of every Chuck season, despite not having anything to do with the United States Government. In fact, do they ever really find out about Chuck's secret identity? I know they did briefly for one episode in Season five, but if memory serves, they forgot all about it by the end of the episode. Who knows? I would've loved to have seen them work as the Q's of the Chuck world if the show had gone forward, which I guess was supposed to be the plan. Perhaps that will happen when Chuck Versus the Movie finally sees the day in the near distant future. Or perhaps they'll just end up becoming a flameout pop act in Germany who comes back to America to reclaim their star. Either way works for me!


That'll do it guys. I will now disappear for the rest of the evening to sleep. Till next time, stay in the damn car Chuck fans!

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