ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Cinematic Hell: Love Crimes (1992)

Updated on September 25, 2016
Theatrical poster for Love Crimes. Property of Miramax Films.
Theatrical poster for Love Crimes. Property of Miramax Films. | Source

You know, today was suppose to be my day off. My bosses in Cinematic Hell have been on my back about the whole repentance thing and I haven't reviewed a real shit show in awhile. So at the very last minute, they gave me this THING to review. Honestly, the only way I even know about Love Crimes is I was skimming through the book The Official Razzie Movie Guide and found this title. I will say this... Love Crimes is truly an odd and very strange movie to behold. Not only is it cheesy, but the film is just outrageously bad and the entire time watching this film you'll have a big question mark over your head like a Pokémon character. Everything from the plot, the direction, the script, the acting and just the way it presents it's theme of sexual liberation is so bizarre. Well I guess enough fooling around. Let's look at one of many Sean Young embarrassments in her acting catalog: Love Crimes.

Dana Greenway (Sean Young) is a district attorney obsessed with a case involving some guy impersonating a famous photographer and luring women to his bed of sex and...more sex. This film wants you to think this photographer is some predatory rapist... but there's one problem with that. These "victims" actually like hat this guy is doing to them. Yeah I'm not even joking, none of these women want to press charges on the creepy photographer. Every one of them says that he made their fantasies come true and all that stuff. There's only one woman who gets injured thanks to the creepy photographer, but she never shows up and we never know what happens to her or if she even wanted to press charges. So for all we know, she liked her experience with the creepy moustache guy. Despite none of these women wanting to press charges, Dana for whatever reason wants to bring this guy to justice or her vagina or something. She tracks creepy moustache guy down, gets "kidnapped" (more like stupidly lured to a cabin and easily defeated) and sexual hijinks ensue.

Where do I even start? I guess we can start at the very obvious problem, this plot makes no sense whatsoever. This entire movie would be over in like 5 minutes if Dana could tell the difference between rape and consensual sex. Not only does she have problems with doing her job, she apparently is a total idiot when she's captive (if she's even really captive). She has so many opportunities to just run away and call for back up or something and yet does NOTHING. We are in complete idiot plot here and it can be both frustrating and hilarious.

The acting for the most part is just... blah. The cast is there delivering terrible dialogue and can't do anything about it. Sean Young in particular though is pretty awful in this movie. Her facial expression of being unintentionally bored never changes. When the script requires Young to emote, it's a funny sight to behold. It's clear this actress is so lost and confused in a role terribly written .

In a very weird way, I recommend Love Crimes simply because it's so hilariously schizophrenic. The movie is trying so hard to be a serious crime drama about consent VS. rape, but clearly director Lizzie Borden (instead of killing people with axes, this Borden kills the art of filmmaking apparently) has no idea what she's talking about. However, despite the film's questionable themes it's one of the funniest bad movies I've ever watched. There's a campfire scene to die for, a bathtub scene unexplainably weird in a funny way and so many more. Guys, I think I found another hidden gem for bad movie lovers. Love Crimes fails so bad as a drama, but works as a campy comedy about a woman so confused about sex that she nearly has a stroke by a campfire. Score: 1/10

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Lalabyeissa 

      2 years ago

      Great read Brad♡ I've not even heard of the movie and am happy about that :) thank You

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)