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Cinematic Hell: Love Crimes (1992)

Updated on September 25, 2016
Theatrical poster for Love Crimes. Property of Miramax Films.
Theatrical poster for Love Crimes. Property of Miramax Films. | Source

You know, today was suppose to be my day off. My bosses in Cinematic Hell have been on my back about the whole repentance thing and I haven't reviewed a real shit show in awhile. So at the very last minute, they gave me this THING to review. Honestly, the only way I even know about Love Crimes is I was skimming through the book The Official Razzie Movie Guide and found this title. I will say this... Love Crimes is truly an odd and very strange movie to behold. Not only is it cheesy, but the film is just outrageously bad and the entire time watching this film you'll have a big question mark over your head like a Pokémon character. Everything from the plot, the direction, the script, the acting and just the way it presents it's theme of sexual liberation is so bizarre. Well I guess enough fooling around. Let's look at one of many Sean Young embarrassments in her acting catalog: Love Crimes.

Dana Greenway (Sean Young) is a district attorney obsessed with a case involving some guy impersonating a famous photographer and luring women to his bed of sex and...more sex. This film wants you to think this photographer is some predatory rapist... but there's one problem with that. These "victims" actually like hat this guy is doing to them. Yeah I'm not even joking, none of these women want to press charges on the creepy photographer. Every one of them says that he made their fantasies come true and all that stuff. There's only one woman who gets injured thanks to the creepy photographer, but she never shows up and we never know what happens to her or if she even wanted to press charges. So for all we know, she liked her experience with the creepy moustache guy. Despite none of these women wanting to press charges, Dana for whatever reason wants to bring this guy to justice or her vagina or something. She tracks creepy moustache guy down, gets "kidnapped" (more like stupidly lured to a cabin and easily defeated) and sexual hijinks ensue.

Where do I even start? I guess we can start at the very obvious problem, this plot makes no sense whatsoever. This entire movie would be over in like 5 minutes if Dana could tell the difference between rape and consensual sex. Not only does she have problems with doing her job, she apparently is a total idiot when she's captive (if she's even really captive). She has so many opportunities to just run away and call for back up or something and yet does NOTHING. We are in complete idiot plot here and it can be both frustrating and hilarious.

The acting for the most part is just... blah. The cast is there delivering terrible dialogue and can't do anything about it. Sean Young in particular though is pretty awful in this movie. Her facial expression of being unintentionally bored never changes. When the script requires Young to emote, it's a funny sight to behold. It's clear this actress is so lost and confused in a role terribly written .

In a very weird way, I recommend Love Crimes simply because it's so hilariously schizophrenic. The movie is trying so hard to be a serious crime drama about consent VS. rape, but clearly director Lizzie Borden (instead of killing people with axes, this Borden kills the art of filmmaking apparently) has no idea what she's talking about. However, despite the film's questionable themes it's one of the funniest bad movies I've ever watched. There's a campfire scene to die for, a bathtub scene unexplainably weird in a funny way and so many more. Guys, I think I found another hidden gem for bad movie lovers. Love Crimes fails so bad as a drama, but works as a campy comedy about a woman so confused about sex that she nearly has a stroke by a campfire. Score: 1/10


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      Lalabyeissa 16 months ago

      Great read Brad♡ I've not even heard of the movie and am happy about that :) thank You