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Comical Tidbits and Leavings, Volume 1
“Comical Tidbits and Leavings” is a series I am starting for the simple purpose of showcasing the various comical musings I have from time to time in the hopes that you guys find some of them funny. I will be producing this series “as I can get to it.” In other words, when I come up with enough material and life provides the time, I will throw an installment together.
The sort of comical material you will find will vary from jokes I have yet to find a home for to B-reel material to short monologues that don’t constitute their very own blog.
For those of you with very gentle ears, I add the caveat that a small percentage of the subject matter is ever so slightly naughty, so do keep that in mind before viewing.
And without further ado, the crap I haven’t seen fit to work in anywhere else.
One-liners, Observations, and Putdowns:
This section is pretty much self-explanatory: little nuggets of comedy…or nuggets of something.
A wise man once told me, “Take your pants off!” He was also a pervert. People can be more than one thing.
In America we complain when there’s a third wheel. In France they just make a tricycle.
You misunderstand me. I’m not saying I want to kill you. I’m just saying about 150,000 people die every day. Why can’t you be one of them?
I went to the store to buy an eraser. Turns out the store was out of erasers. You like that story? I have others.
I drove by a liquor store the other day. It was called Smith Liquor, which I presume is the last name of the owner. Makes you wonder if Andy Dick had a liquor store.
Here's a fun game to play with someone: Compare everything that they do to Hitler. For example, you see someone eating Captain Crunch. You say to them, “You know who else ate Captain Crunch? (Pause for dramatic effect) Hitler!”
So, If you go to Hershey, Pennsylvania, is there actually a Hershey Highway?
When you really want a bowl of popcorn, is there anything longer in the world than the 3 minutes and change it takes to pop it?
One man says to his friend, “Well, I didn’t get that promotion.”
The friend says, “Sorry to hear that.”
The man responds, “On a lighter note, I might have cancer.”
The friend exclaims in a surprised tone, “How’s that lighter?”
The man responds, “I know I’m not getting the promotion. I only might have cancer.”
We can get angry and scream, we can punch folks in the face, or we can laugh at their stupidity. Here the idea is that we laugh at their stupidity.
Someone explaining to me that it makes sense that their child’s school doesn’t celebrate Martin Luther King Day because there aren’t many black children that go there.
“Damaged Guardrail Ahead” signs. Think about it. We are basically being told not to have an “accident” in said area, something that occurs “accidently”. The back story: some jerk won a lawsuit for crashing his car wear the guardrail was damaged. Now we have to waste our precious resources to make a reflective metal sign every time a guard rail gets dinged.
The stereotype that black people like watermelon. Well, yeah! Who in their right mind doesn’t like watermelon?
When people from large cities talk down to me because I’m from a small town and therefore intellectually incapable of understanding how the “world works.” Then they proceed to prove themselves to be complete imbeciles.
Summoning My Inner Yankovic:
I’ve always enjoyed singing parts of songs incorrectly, especially when I can infiltrate a friend’s mind so as to destroy a song they enjoy forever.
“I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings. Coming down is the hardest thing”— “Learning to Fly”Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
“I’m learning to swim, but I ain’t got legs. Swimming is hard as hell with pegs”
“Shiny happy people holding hands.“— “Shiny Happy People” R.E.M.
“Chinese happy people holding hands.”
“You’re the cutest thing/ That I ever did see/ I really love your peaches/Want to shake your tree”— “The Joker” The Steve Miller Band
“You’re the cutest thing/ That I ever did see/ I really love your melons/Won’t you shake my tree”
“Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.”— “Dust in the Wind” Kansas
“Ducks in the wind, all we are is ducks in the wind.”
Making Mountains out of Molehills:
The purpose of this section is to get folks riled up about a topic that, in the grand scheme of things, just really isn’t that important. Think of Seinfeld and topics such as the pop-in and eating a candy bar with a knife and fork.
Opinion Poll, but Not Really.
How did you enjoy the comedy in this article?
Being Able to Use Chopsticks Makes Some People Douchebags
Have you ever seen someone who is really skilled with chopsticks, like been doing it from birth skilled? It is positively amazing. It boggles the mind to see them manipulate these tiny sticks and eat something like rice as fast as most people can eat it with a fork or spoon.
Have you ever given chopsticks a go on your own? It is quite difficult at first, and true mastery, like native mastery of a language, is likely not possible for those of us beginning to learn the skill after childhood.
It isn’t that I don’t have an appreciation for the art of chopsticks; it’s that I am aggravated by the scoffs I get from stick wielding onlookers when I go to an Asian restaurant and choose to employ the good old spoon and fork. So let’s analyze this. Who is really the foolish one in this scenario?
Travel with me back to the dawn of man. One of our cave dwelling ancestors catches some manner of food and thinks to himself, “Ugh, me like’em but to eat, hard.” Or whatever a caveman would say. Is it more intelligent for our caveman at that point to find something to cup the food (i.e. a spoon), something to stab the food (i.e. a fork), or begin the arduous task of devising a system of manipulating two sticks with no gripping power of their own volition in such a way that food might be consumed?
The fork and spoon is a better bit of technology on every level. Chopsticks are an illogical, over-engineered way of eating. If you don’t believe me, just look at the waistline of the average U.S. citizen compared to that of the average Asian.
Again, I’m not making this point to bash those that use chopsticks; I’m making this point to get back at all those smug jerks with their “I’m better than you” upturned noses when they see me using sensible eating utensils.
And folks will speak of the importance of tradition, of knowing the old ways, and there is a truth to the efficacy of this, but let’s compare the use of chopsticks to other dying skill sets. Have you ever watched one of these woodworking shows where they only use antiquated tools and asked yourself, “What is the purpose of this?” Well, for one, someday as resources dwindle, it may actually be handy to know how one might build things without electric tools. Even today, it is nice to know the old ways so that we might avoid having to run to the store and get a piece of newfangled gadgetry every time a problem arises.
Chopsticks are basically one of the world’s oldest Rube Goldberg devices. While if the art of using chopsticks were lost entirely, it would be a bad thing culturally, it would not go to the detriment of the human race technologically on any level.
Again, my overarching point here is that I see you over there tisk-tisking me for not paying proper homage to the culture, your chopsticks in hand, eating your Americanized Chinese food in the mall food court across the way from Baby Gap. And I look ridiculous?
And what about sushi? People gasping as I pick it up with my bare hands. Well, don’t present it in handy bite-sized portions like finger food….