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Comical Tidbits and Leavings, Volume 1

Updated on April 22, 2015
Larry Rankin profile image

Larry Rankin, an experiened writer, enjoys creative writing in all forms, from literary to mainstream.

“Comical Tidbits and Leavings” is a series I am starting for the simple purpose of showcasing the various comical musings I have from time to time in the hopes that you guys find some of them funny. I will be producing this series “as I can get to it.” In other words, when I come up with enough material and life provides the time, I will throw an installment together.

The sort of comical material you will find will vary from jokes I have yet to find a home for to B-reel material to short monologues that don’t constitute their very own blog.

For those of you with very gentle ears, I add the caveat that a small percentage of the subject matter is ever so slightly naughty, so do keep that in mind before viewing.

And without further ado, the crap I haven’t seen fit to work in anywhere else.

One-liners, Observations, and Putdowns:

This section is pretty much self-explanatory: little nuggets of comedy…or nuggets of something.

People can be more than one thing.
People can be more than one thing. | Source

A wise man once told me, “Take your pants off!” He was also a pervert. People can be more than one thing.

In America we complain when there’s a third wheel. In France they just make a tricycle.

You misunderstand me. I’m not saying I want to kill you. I’m just saying about 150,000 people die every day. Why can’t you be one of them?

I went to the store to buy an eraser. Turns out the store was out of erasers. You like that story? I have others.

I drove by a liquor store the other day. It was called Smith Liquor, which I presume is the last name of the owner. Makes you wonder if Andy Dick had a liquor store.

Here's a fun game to play with someone: Compare everything that they do to Hitler. For example, you see someone eating Captain Crunch. You say to them, “You know who else ate Captain Crunch? (Pause for dramatic effect) Hitler!”

So, If you go to Hershey, Pennsylvania, is there actually a Hershey Highway?

When you really want a bowl of popcorn, is there anything longer in the world than the 3 minutes and change it takes to pop it?

One man says to his friend, “Well, I didn’t get that promotion.”

The friend says, “Sorry to hear that.”

The man responds, “On a lighter note, I might have cancer.”

The friend exclaims in a surprised tone, “How’s that lighter?”

The man responds, “I know I’m not getting the promotion. I only might have cancer.”

Ignorance:

We can get angry and scream, we can punch folks in the face, or we can laugh at their stupidity. Here the idea is that we laugh at their stupidity.

Ignorance, doesn’t it make you feel smart?
Ignorance, doesn’t it make you feel smart? | Source

Someone explaining to me that it makes sense that their child’s school doesn’t celebrate Martin Luther King Day because there aren’t many black children that go there.

“Damaged Guardrail Ahead” signs. Think about it. We are basically being told not to have an “accident” in said area, something that occurs “accidently”. The back story: some jerk won a lawsuit for crashing his car wear the guardrail was damaged. Now we have to waste our precious resources to make a reflective metal sign every time a guard rail gets dinged.

The stereotype that black people like watermelon. Well, yeah! Who in their right mind doesn’t like watermelon?

When people from large cities talk down to me because I’m from a small town and therefore intellectually incapable of understanding how the “world works.” Then they proceed to prove themselves to be complete imbeciles.

Summoning My Inner Yankovic:

I’ve always enjoyed singing parts of songs incorrectly, especially when I can infiltrate a friend’s mind so as to destroy a song they enjoy forever.

How's that song go again?
How's that song go again? | Source

“I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings. Coming down is the hardest thing”

— “Learning to Fly”Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Incorrect

“I’m learning to swim, but I ain’t got legs. Swimming is hard as hell with pegs”

“Shiny happy people holding hands.“

— “Shiny Happy People” R.E.M.

Incorrect

“Chinese happy people holding hands.”

“You’re the cutest thing/ That I ever did see/ I really love your peaches/Want to shake your tree”

— “The Joker” The Steve Miller Band

Incorrect

“You’re the cutest thing/ That I ever did see/ I really love your melons/Won’t you shake my tree”

“Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.”

— “Dust in the Wind” Kansas

Incorrect

“Ducks in the wind, all we are is ducks in the wind.”

Making Mountains out of Molehills:

The purpose of this section is to get folks riled up about a topic that, in the grand scheme of things, just really isn’t that important. Think of Seinfeld and topics such as the pop-in and eating a candy bar with a knife and fork.

Chopsitcks, their smug aura mocks me.
Chopsitcks, their smug aura mocks me. | Source

Opinion Poll, but Not Really.

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Being Able to Use Chopsticks Makes Some People Douchebags

Have you ever seen someone who is really skilled with chopsticks, like been doing it from birth skilled? It is positively amazing. It boggles the mind to see them manipulate these tiny sticks and eat something like rice as fast as most people can eat it with a fork or spoon.

Have you ever given chopsticks a go on your own? It is quite difficult at first, and true mastery, like native mastery of a language, is likely not possible for those of us beginning to learn the skill after childhood.

It isn’t that I don’t have an appreciation for the art of chopsticks; it’s that I am aggravated by the scoffs I get from stick wielding onlookers when I go to an Asian restaurant and choose to employ the good old spoon and fork. So let’s analyze this. Who is really the foolish one in this scenario?

Travel with me back to the dawn of man. One of our cave dwelling ancestors catches some manner of food and thinks to himself, “Ugh, me like’em but to eat, hard.” Or whatever a caveman would say. Is it more intelligent for our caveman at that point to find something to cup the food (i.e. a spoon), something to stab the food (i.e. a fork), or begin the arduous task of devising a system of manipulating two sticks with no gripping power of their own volition in such a way that food might be consumed?

The fork and spoon is a better bit of technology on every level. Chopsticks are an illogical, over-engineered way of eating. If you don’t believe me, just look at the waistline of the average U.S. citizen compared to that of the average Asian.

Again, I’m not making this point to bash those that use chopsticks; I’m making this point to get back at all those smug jerks with their “I’m better than you” upturned noses when they see me using sensible eating utensils.

And folks will speak of the importance of tradition, of knowing the old ways, and there is a truth to the efficacy of this, but let’s compare the use of chopsticks to other dying skill sets. Have you ever watched one of these woodworking shows where they only use antiquated tools and asked yourself, “What is the purpose of this?” Well, for one, someday as resources dwindle, it may actually be handy to know how one might build things without electric tools. Even today, it is nice to know the old ways so that we might avoid having to run to the store and get a piece of newfangled gadgetry every time a problem arises.

Chopsticks are basically one of the world’s oldest Rube Goldberg devices. While if the art of using chopsticks were lost entirely, it would be a bad thing culturally, it would not go to the detriment of the human race technologically on any level.

Again, my overarching point here is that I see you over there tisk-tisking me for not paying proper homage to the culture, your chopsticks in hand, eating your Americanized Chinese food in the mall food court across the way from Baby Gap. And I look ridiculous?

And what about sushi? People gasping as I pick it up with my bare hands. Well, don’t present it in handy bite-sized portions like finger food….

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    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      I love comedy hubs Larry. This is very random and although I don't find everything funny I do appreciate your writing a different hub such as this one and hope it does well enough so you can continue the series. I like your "incorrect" songs, and do agree with you on the value of chopsticks.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Jodah: thanks for dropping by. I appreciate the feedback.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      From guardrails to observations about watermelon, not observing MLK day, misheard lyrics and that liquor joke, I enjoyed this, Larry. Please do more!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      FlourishAnyway: happy you enjoyed yourself:-)

      Thanks for dropping by,

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I had to read half of this and then take a break. I was laughing too hard to continue. Thanks for the great laughs. I hope you continue this series.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Billy: it is always such a relief when I write something funny and get positive feedback,

      I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Larry.....This is just what the Dr. ordered for me this morning. I'm in a much better mood than I was. You're a pal....and the coffee helped too!

      Liked this one, Larry...can't wait for the next! Laughing is my favorite hobby!...UP & funny. Peace, Paula

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Paula: I'm so glad to have been part of the concoction that pepped up your morning.

      Thanks so much for the positive comments.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 2 years ago from Texas

      Larry, I love your humor, this is also interesting.

      The one about the pervert reminds me of the streaker

      running through the bowling alley

      wearing nothing but his shoes

      This really is true, I was there

      My son was too

      I think he will not strike

      I mean streak again

      those who were not laughing

      Had a silly grin

      And the comments they were bold

      he was told

      to go back outside where it was really cold

      Voted up, funny and interesting and shared.

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon 2 years ago from Texas

      Glad this came up in my news feed. I needed the smiles!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Shyron: love the anecdote. Speaking of anecdotes, did you ever hear of the fella got snake bit and asked his friend for the antidote. His friend proceeded to tell an amusing story.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Shanmarie: so glad you could drop by. Thanks for the follow.

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 2 years ago from San Diego California

      Even though you yokels over there in SWOK don't understand how the world works, and never read books outside of the Bible, you still have a pretty sophisticated sense of humor. I got quite a few chuckles out of this, my friend. I look forward to the future installments. Great hub!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Mel: thanks for dropping by. I was just able to understand your comments on my special typewriter what is hooked up to the world;-)

      Thanks for dropping by and I'm glad you got a few laughs out of it.

    • Besarien profile image

      Besarien 2 years ago

      I hear you about watermelon! Hey, fried chicken too. You know who didn't like watermelon?

      Hitler!

      I find it equally amazing to watch people from cultures who eat using their hands. How do they do it so neatly without getting food all over themselves- I don't know. Maybe I am especially messy which is why I got taught to eat with a fork?

    • Nadine May profile image

      Nadine May 2 years ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

      Ha Ha you are funny! I loved this question: Have you ever seen someone who is really skilled with chopsticks? Gosh for many of us using chopsticks is NOT easy.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Nadine: thanks for dropping by. So glad to give you a laugh.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Besarian: very amusing comments. Thanks so much for dropping by.

    • kalinin1158 profile image

      Lana Zakinov 2 years ago from California

      Very funny and refreshing! Great idea for the series. And I like making up my own the lyrics too. "She's got a chicken to ride. And she don't care" Is brilliant :)

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Kalinin: thanks for the positive endorsement.

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 2 years ago from Houston, Texas

      You certainly covered a lot of topics here and I give you a thumbs up! Have to admit being a bit clumsy with chopsticks since I did not grow up using them. Interesting reference to cavemen and how they coped with culinary utensils. :))

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Peggy: thanks for dropping by.

    • frozenink profile image

      frozenink 23 months ago

      It's so creative of you to begin your own comedy series. It's really comprehensive and funny!! I like the part where you try to destroy the songs your friends enjoy. I will definitely be back for more humour.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 23 months ago from Oklahoma

      Frozen Ink: I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

    • phoenix2327 profile image

      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 22 months ago from United Kingdom

      This is a good collection of humour. It livened my Sunday. :)

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 22 months ago from Oklahoma

      Phoenix: I'm glad you found it amusing. Thanks so much for dropping by.

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