Creatures and Beings Who I Want to Start Appearing in the South

Mysterious creatures and beings have been around since time was only an hour. Or so the “experts,” on America’s Destination channel say.

This is not a knock on the newest channel on DirecTV, America’s Destination. It is a light-hearted jab at the people on the show, “UFO Files Declassified ” also seen on America’s Destination. I never knew that these super-sensitive files were “classified,” to begin with. But you just have to watch this show to see where I am coming from.

I am from the generation who loved Godzilla, King Kong, the Mummy, Frankenstein, and Creature From the Black Lagoon. To me, there is no comparison to “my” favorite creatures to those that the good ol’ boys of Mountain Monsters, also on America’s Destination, chase each week. My creature’s rock and roll. All the creatures on Mountain Monsters do is run off.

I mean. What self-respecting creature worth his scales doesn’t stand and fight like a wild beast when all that is chasing him is five old guys with outdated shotguns? Not a one. Not one of my “old school” creatures would dare show his hairy face if he were to tuck tail and run like those on Mountain Monsters.

Heck, they may not even be “monsters,” after all. For all we know the “monsters,” we think we are seeing on Mountain Monsters are just stage hands shaking the bushes and trees for the camera’s sake.

But this show did get me to thinking about where I live in the south and why we southerners do not have a creature we can brag about. This is down-right sickening and low-down (actual southern expressions) humiliating not to have a beast who throws one-thousand pound boulders at strangers to talk about in our café’s and coffee shops.

Darn it. Even the people around Area 51, you know that place out west that doesn’t exist? Well, to make my gripe even worse, the residents of this non-existent place have this enduring tale about a UFO crashing in the desert and the Army taking several small bodies out of the crash site. Oh, they even have witnesses who are just now talking about this controversial night. But our friends in the higher-levels of the military are not offering any form of the truth of what happened on that chaotic night.

I am so angry right now I could eat an entire rack of ribs.

I think instead of yakking to you on HubPages about our problem of having no real creatures to boast of in the south, I will stop talking and do something about it.

I am going to share this list of creatures with you that I think would be a great “pull” for those vacationers who travel through the south just to see Legion Field in Birmingham, the Statue of Nick Saban at the University of Alabama, and that place in Huntsville, Red Stone Arsenal.

My creatures will be numbered from number ten being the least-mysterious to number one being “the” most-mysterious.

10. THE DIXIE DEMON terrorizes people around 11 p.m. each Saturday night with his drunken renditions of “Your Cheatin’ Heart,” and “Battle of New Orleans.” This beast is seldom sober and stands a good five foot, two inches tall (in Texas Steer work boots). It wears a confederate flag around its head for a disguise and a rubber mask of Jimmy Carter to further antagonize visitors to its locale: The KOA Campground near Talladega.

9. CHITLING CREATURE is a hard beast to miss. He smells of fried pig innards and warm Budweiser that some good ol’ boy was too drunk to remember to drink. Never stay near the Mississippi River in an RV for the Chilling Creature loves his “creature comforts.” Sorry. The best way to avoid being kept-up all night by this being is to have a handy supply of tobasco sauce to throw in its face. Any good southerner knows that chitlings and hot sauce do not mix, thereby you are not sinning by using tobacco sauce as a defensive-weapon.

8. GROWLING GRITS creature is always hungry. No matter the time, day or night. This creature has to have his Quaker Oaks grits fix. If he doesn’t get grits, he growls so gruff that you will not sleep at all. You have a choice. Stock-up on grits before you leave for your southland vacation and when the Growling Grits creature shows up, give him a few bowls of grits and he might leave. But then again, if he leaves, your husband’s snoring will be as bad as this beast’s growling. On second thought, go with the Growling Grits creature and you both can eat grits then sleep all night long.

7. BASS BEAST comes from any body of water and goes from motel room to motel room annoying the men folk to take him fishing when the sun is up. Bass Beast is bald, four foot, three, weighing in at 277 pounds, chews Redman tobacco, talks all of the time, helps himself to your food and never says he is sorry for intruding.

6. COTTON CREATURE is arguably the most-vicious creature we could have living in the south. Cotton Creature was born by accident years ago when cotton was picked by hand. One hot summer afternoon, a cotton farmer accidentally backed his cotton wagon over an area good ol’ boy who was so lazy he fell asleep in the road. The cotton farmer didn’t kill the good ol’ boy, but this accident turned the good ol’ boy into a disfigured man wearing a CAT Diesel Power cap. Every summer when vacationers stop anywhere in the south where “cotton was king,” Cotton Creature sneaks out of the pine woods and throws rotten cotton bowls at the unassuming travelers from up north.

5. BOURBON BEAST is just what it is. A fierce-looking beast with the smell of Jack Daniels No. 7, black label always on his breath and a Willie Nelson CD playing in his Ford F-150 sound system. At first glance, Bourbon Beast looks friendly and sometimes accommodating. But when you let down your guard, he takes you hostage and forces you to go with him to every seedy club with pole dancing in the area and guzzling one bourbon straight after the other. You will thank me later for warning you.

4. SKOAL SHADOW gets its name from the smokeless tobacco. That is where the similarities stop. The Skoal Shadow is dangerous. It waits until you are settled-in your campsite or motel room and then he attacks. Holding up his sharp thumbnails that got that way from opening tins of Skoal every few hours, he knocks you out and makes you dip with him until your teeth are black. I tell you. This is a very dreaded beast. Make sure you have plenty of signs telling the dangers of smokeless tobacco with you to defend yourself.

3. HOTWING HELLION oh man, I wish I didn’t have to tell you about this one. It stands six foot six inches tall and weighs around 190. Its hands are blood-red from all of the hot sauce it has consumed since being turned from a “Regular Joe,” who loved hot wings to a real monster when a local Hooter’s blew up when a pickup truck outside backfired and a spark from its exhaust pipe mixed with the alcohol inside. The Hot wing Hellion will taunt you until you take his challenge to see who can eat the hottest wings. Of course, you lose, but you will have heartburn for about three days ruining your vacation.

2. DEAD-BEAT DAD DEMON growls threats to innocent people, especially his depressed and near-destitute wife whom he left for a younger bimbo he met at the local pole dancing emporium. This demon thrives on telling young girls those juicy lies about him being “the” ideal man for her. Then she swallows his promises and within a year, she has had two kids and he has dumped her for yet another bimbo victim. Vacationing fathers and mothers, keep your young, eligible daughters away from this jerk of a menace. He is near-invincible. Even the civil courts cannot phase him.

1. FIREARM APPARITION is “the” deadliest creature to ever haunt the woods and swampland areas of the south. Without any regard for rules, this creature whose arms are Mossberg pump shotguns, fire at will at anything or anyone who moves. Firearm Apparition is not hard to spot. It travels on two feet and wears a big amount of camouflage. Ever so often you can hear, “I ain’t obeying the federal government’s gun safety rules for nobody,” spew from its tobacco-juice soaked lips. He is a terrible being to encounter when you are on vacation in the south, so be prepared. Get yourself an ACLU lawyer and keep him on retainer while you travel the south, for a knowledgeable lawyer is your only defense against the beast, Firearm Apparition.

What do I hope to accomplish by publishing this hub?

Just two things.

1. To get the tourist trade on a lucrative level where I live in the south and keep it that way the year around.

2. Get myself named in HubPages Weekly Hub Nuggets, maybe in the Rising Stars section.

   HubPages editors, it’s your move.