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Cult of Lindsay Lohan

Updated on July 22, 2010

Update: The Cult of Lindsay Lohan recently created a facebook page to scour for new members. 
Click here to Facebook Cult of Lindsay Lohan

A group in a rural town outside Columbus, Ga gathered today to celebrate the jailing of Lindsay Lohan, an experience they say represents an anointment of their 'patron saint' of beauty and wisdom. One devotee spoke tearfully of the event, "People are going to remember this forever. She's sacrificing so that we can live a better life and have love and passion in our lives."

The group described their cult as a Gnostic cult who focus on the lessons they learn from the trials of Lindsay Lohan. They compare themselves to the cult of Thecla, except that whereas the cult of Thecla preached celibacy and asceticism, they preached the opposite, promiscuity and drug use as spiritual rites.

"Our point is not that you should let your life get out of control, but rather that you can use sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll responsibly, even spiritually and the only way to learn how is to study the life of Lindsay Lohan."

The group engaged in strange rites which they call 'open meetings' where they wrote 'f-you' on their nails and sat in a circle crying in reenactment of Lohan's sentencing. During 'closed meetings', the public is sent out and members are sworn to silence about what goes on. Members however, can be seen leaving these meetings with disheveled appearance and drug residues on their faces.

The group received little attention until a local Tea Party group brought attention to them by going on a local news channel and claiming the group were Illuminati owl worshipers sent by Barack Obama to spread pro-choice propaganda as per Glenn Beck. However the Cult of Lindsay Lohan dismissed the Tea Party members as 'our grandparents'.


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    • BeccaHubbardWoods profile image

      Mizzery Chick 7 years ago from Outside your window...

      Good God. It's morons like this that make good Gnosticism look bad. Great hub, btw. I would have never heard anything about this had you not written it. : )