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Daytime Soap Operas Are Dead, Here’s How We Fix It

Updated on June 25, 2010


When soaps started it was all about being transcended into a world where people drank expensive sherry while sleeping with their brother’s wife and accidentally murdering the child they didn’t know was actually theirs. The complex complicated storylines seemed almost impossible to keep up with and yet at the same time you could not watch for a month, come back and for some reason at least fifty percent of the turmoil that was happening a month prior was still going on. I was never addicted to any one soap opera but there’s a part of me that is very sad they’re going away. Someone needs to step in and per usual, I think it’s me. Daytime soap operas are dead, here’s how we fix it – Don’t Get Me Started!

The problem I see is that there are only the few mothers who still can afford to be home with their kids, the unemployed and crackheads who are available for the daytime viewing. These people need something that speaks to them and at the same time makes them feel as though they’re better than the people on the screen. Sure you could just play The Hills or any of the other six gazillion reality late night soaps but no one cares about the ultra rich and their stupid behavior in the harsh light of day when there’s laundry to do, jobs to semi look for and crack to score. I suggest that we start creating a new line of reality soap operas and refitted retro-programming to fit the demographics that are watching.

For the mothers there should be a reality show where the people are all successful working mothers, tackling corporate America and cupcakes for their kid’s fifth grade class but also have an addiction to some sort of over the counter drug. While it won’t be illegal that the mothers are all secretly hopped up on Sucrets, nasal spray and Vagisil it’ll make for some good television. What this will do for all the mothers out there is allow them to see that no one can have it all without something suffering, in this case their sinuses and vagina. This will give that “I’m better than you” feeling to the stay at home moms while also being of interest to the unemployed who think the moms on the show are hot while giving the crackheads a view at using other things than the current list of drugs they’re on. I’m sure there’s a neighborhood out there where these conditions all ready exist so I suggest that Mark Burnett or MTV start turning over some rocks and seeing what crawls out.

For the unemployed there would be a show where other unemployed people would be taken down memory lane in a sort of “This Is Your Life” feel. The unsuspecting guest would be surprised on their couch and there would be a sort of melodramatic feel to the show where they bring in the past important people and employers in the person’s life. There would be plenty of tears and also it would become sort of a half an hour, “This Is Your Resume” type show and of course at the end, instead of “Move That Bus” it would be a “Move That Couch” experience when the unemployed person discovers that they’ve been given a new job! Sort of an Extreme Life Makeover show.

And finally programming for the crackheads. These people are easily entertained and made paranoid so I’m thinking we just bring back H.R. Pufnstuf. No need to update it or anything, just play the old episodes. Even as a kid I wondered why Jack Wild as “Jimmy” was so “into” his flute which undoubtedly the crackheads will relate to because at some point I’m sure their pipe has seemed golden and as if it was talking to them in a high pitched voice with bejeweled lips. Meanwhile seeing H.R. Pufnstuf’s expression never change always sort of freaked me out while Witchiepoo seemed like my kind of people. Let’s face it, this show has something for everyone whether you’re on the crack or not. And if we really want to screw with them, we can get them addicted to the show and then every once in awhile put on Lidsville or The Banana Splits, either one of them is bound to freak them out so much that they’ll eventually think that these worlds are a reality that they don’t want to be a part of and that the reality of being forty-five and living in their parents basement is a better reality than watching oversized hats!

I know, I know, I’ve done it again. But as I always like to say, “This is what I do.” We have to get away from thinking about how we’re going to stop the oil in the Gulf or why Jake and Vienna broke up (he never wanted to have sex with her, is heavily into his body, I’m just saying I won’t be surprised if he ends up dating Ricky Martin) and figure out what to do about daytime programming. Glad I could help. Daytime soap operas are dead, here’s how we fix it – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • soapdom profile image

      soapdom 7 years ago from Santa Monica

      LOL somelikeitscott. You know, some of your comments are actually very valid! I enjoyed your hub on this topic.

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      EA - You are so amazing! Thank you for all the comments. You make my day with all of your generous words!

    • Earth Angel profile image

      Earth Angel 7 years ago

      Good Morning Handsome!!

      Once again I am awed by your humor!! You certainly have the 'gift!' I especially like, 'Move that Couch!!'

      I'll be off for a couple of days but will still be sending you warm wishes for your 'funny bone!!'

      Blessings, Earth Angel!!