Dear Mr. Spammer - Please Give Me My New iPad 3
Dear Mr. Spammer,
Sub: Please give me the free iPad 3 you promised me!
I’m writing this letter to you, hoping that you will forward this to your superiors because you are clearly incapable of feeling emotions or having compassion for another fellow human being.
Let me be upfront and tell you what happened. I was in a coffee shop, surfing the net on my shiny silver Mac book pro, being as cool as I could be, when I noticed that everyone around me was now updating their statuses and tweets on their pricy iPads. Suddenly, I felt inadequate. Everyone seemed to stare at me as if I was using equipment from some Jurassic age. I needed some hardware enhancement. But my card is maxed out and my bank balance is overdrawn. That’s when I saw one of your many emails with the Sub: newipad3.me. Desperate times called for desperate measures and I finally took the bait!
However, now that I made the fatal mistake of clicking on your link, you are being difficult. You are playing hard to get. To rub salt on my wounds, you even sent free iPad 3 offers to all my friends on my contact list. I should have known Mr. Serial Spammer!
I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I sit here everyday by my window and keep pestering the UPS guy who has started looking at me strangely.
Long have I resisted you hounding me and trying to me trick. You’re one of a kind, and boy is your kind persuasive! You sold me a dream and I foolishly fantasized about sitting in the coffee shop stroking my spanking new iPad 3, which was the object of everyone’s jealousy. I always thought you preyed on human greed and petty penis sizes. I never thought it would be me who fell for your foolish promise. Kudos to you for being so efficient but I’ll have you know I’m mighty pissed off.
Everyday I’d open my mail praying that my inbox was spam free. As for my spam folder, I’d ask myself the question: so what’s it going to be today? Some get-rich-quick scheme where an unfortunate millionaire suddenly died in a plane crash and now you need me to claim his dough? Or is it an orphan girl in Namibia in need of my aid? Am I the now deceased Prince Kabadulla’s only surviving heir?
You accidentally seem to have got my name from the database of the dumb and gullible but I’ll have you know, Mr. Spammer, I’m smarter than that.
The seconds that I’ve spent deleting your spam mail could have been utilized more productively by updating my twitter, facebook, myspace, orkut, e-hermony, match.com or google + accounts.
And please don’t flatter yourself that I have come to amuse myself with your penis enlargement and herbal Viagra adverts that prey on some poor man’s insecurity. Yes, I admit, sometimes they are funny. And there have been times before when I’ve craved to click (Not for me of course, but to help a friend. Poor girl, she wanted to stick it out with her current boyfriend). But in my world size doesn’t matter. So take your cheap, filthy pharmaceuticals, that probably have male pattern baldness as a side effect, and shove them up your desired cavity Mr. Spammer.
I have been driven up the wall and am sick and tired of missing important mails thanks to genuine emails hiding in the spam folder. But what you have done now is beyond forgivable. Not only did I not get the free iPad 3 you promised me, you even stole my identity and sold it to the highest bidder somewhere in Russia!
I will not stand for this Internet super highway identity robbery. This is like a bad dressing on an already rotten salad. So who ever you are on the other side of the screen, claiming to be Mr. Faidu or Maidu, with the kind of name that sounds like an exotic fruit, I need you to deliver on your promise.
Let me warn you, I may not be the type who will hop on the next flight to Nigeria and come looking for you but neither am I one of those impulsive buyers you can easily con. I have friends in high places and a gang of vigilante citizens from around the world following me on twitter.
Dear Mr. spammer, let me reason with you. Give me my identity back. Or at least send me my freaking brand new iPad 3. In return, I promise to give you my (now) ex boyfriend’s email. He’s a guaranteed impulsive buyer and would be eager to enlarge many of his body parts, organically or surgically. He’s a sure shot with a rich dad and a platinum card (and he had the nerve to dump me!). So send me what’s mine and you can spam his ass right off.