Disney Princes: An Objective Analysis
Ah, Disney. The home of magic and fairytales and happily ever afters. Where every sixteen year old princess has a song in her heart, a twinkle in her eye, and perfectly coiffed hair. Despite witches and evil stepmothers and conniving royal viziers, Disney princesses manage overcome every obstacle, snag their man, and look good doing it. But there's a sorely neglected cast of characters that I have decided to honor.
The most often forgotten heroes of Disney lore, the princes are the ones that rescue the fair maiden from a life of drudgery and loneliness and live happily ever after. But sometimes, Disney skimps on the prince, leaving him a bland, pleasant face in the background, and let's the princess take center stage. Here is an objective analysis of these brave and smartly dressed royal men.
The Prince - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
A man so underdeveloped, he's not even blessed with a name. The Prince is almost an afterthought in the movie, appearing for a brief segment in the beginning of the film to sing "One Song" to a random girl sitting by a well belting in a fluttery soprano. Of course, it's love at first sight! But the rest of the film is dedicated to Snow White's interaction with seven short mining men, none of them her true love. In the end, who shows up just in time to save the day? The Prince, of course, who kisses Snow White out of her coma and whisks her off to his castle in the distance. Superfluous, forgettable, but a great singer. D
The Prince - Appearance 1 of 2
Prince Charming - Cinderella
Not far evolved from Snow White's prince, but at least he has a name. It is rumored, that after a tense debate, that the Disney writers narrowed the list of prospective adjectives to Sexypants, Studly, and Charming. Guess which won? Prince Charming, other than having a soggy sweet name, is no upgrade from The Prince. He isn't even allowed his own song, and doesn't save Cinderella from her ghastly fate. Instead, he lets a bumbling footman with a monocle handle all the dirty work. In the end, after waving goodbye, you can see him as merely a chest in the carriage as Cinderella waves at her grain throwing mice. So in essence, completely and utterly lame. F
The Only Redeeming Thing About Prince Charming is This Song
Prince Philip - Sleeping Beauty
Prince Philip was the first to be a beautiful singer, handsome to a fault, and kick some major ass. You see him first as a kid, making a funny not-so-impressed face at the wailing baby Aurora, but he is reintroduced when a much older and studlier Philip hears a very well developed nearly sixteen Briar Rose singing in the forest. He makes his dashing entrance, sweeping the girl off her delicate bare feet, singing one of the most well known Disney duets, "Once Upon a Dream." He is thrown into the dungeon by Maleficent, who is one of the most awesomely wicked villians ever, and promptly saved by the Good Fairies so he in turn can save Aurora/Briar Rose, who really is quite useless to be perfectly frank. In the end, Prince Philip is really running the show, fighting off hobgoblins and sprites, and then facing Maleficent turned enormous evil dragon. After a battle of epic proportions, he destroys Maleficent, awakens Aurora with a kiss (another comatose princess, I'm sensing a theme) and they live happily evere after. Hats off, Phil. You, in a word, are awesome. A+
The Battle Between Philip and Maleficent = Epic
Prince Eric - The Little Mermaid
The first love story to span species, Prince Eric is the handsome, flute playing prince that the mermaid Ariel sets her sights upon. Ariel (a not so entirely useless princess) saves him from a shipwreck, and Eric opens his eyes to see the sillouhette of his savior singing to him. He falls in love instantly, as normal people are wont to do, and scours the kingdom in search of the mystery girl. Eric is actually blessed with a personality, and a realistic one at that. He's kind and has a wicked sense of humor, but he also has doubts and sorrows. Aww. Anyway, Ursula, the scariest squid ever, spells Eric to believe she is the girl who saved him using Ariel's voice, which is just plain mean. Eventually, Ariel reveals herself, and takes back her voice, Ursula grows to the size of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man ala Ghostbusters, and Eric impales her with the stern of a ship. Kickass! And of course, Ariel get married and live happily ever after. This prince's downside? Eric never sings. The upside: Bring on the sushi. A-/B+
The First Moments Between Prince Eric and Ariel (I couldn't find the final battle in english, croatian yes, but not english)
The Beast/Prince Adam - Beauty and the Beast
Another interspecies romance. Sort of. The Beast, who I never realized actually had a name, is not given the golden shiny reputation at the outset of the film. In fact, as a human, he was selfish and unkind, according to the low voiced narrator. The Beast is no better, angry at his cursed state and making the lives of his servants, now delightfully animated objects, miserable. It's only when he takes Belle, who's not actually a princess, prisoner, that he begins to see the light. The Beast is the first dynamic prince character that Disney produces, learning from his mistakes and becoming compassionate and selfless. Upon realization that he loves her, the Beast lets Belle go to her father, though she promptly returns to warn him of the angry French mob. After a fatal blow from Gaston, leaving the Beast dying in Belle's arms, Belle actually saves the prince this time by admitting her love for him and releasing him from his curse. Happily ever after ensues. Though the Beast is another prince who just barely sings, but he does rescue Belle from wolves and is a good dancer for having paws rather than feet. B
The One and Only Time the Beast Sings in the Movie
Aladdin/Prince Ali - Aladdin
I was really torn about whether I wanted to include Aladdin in this grouping. Aladdin is NOT a prince, which is the whole point of the movie. He has to lie about being a prince, which is helped by having a genie at his disposal, in order to win the hand of Princess Jasmine, who really couldn't care less about his being a prince and cares more about being lied to than anything (typical woman.) However, Aladdin is one of the coolest heroes in Disney history. He's a smooth talker, a great singer, roguish, brave, and clever to boot. Honesty may not be his strong suit, but hey, who's perfect? In the end, he defeats Jafar using cunning rather than brawn, and wins Jasmine's affections, as well as restoring the kingdom to the Sultan, who changes the prince law because really that's the least he could do. The only real downside to Aladdin is he's still not a prince. N/A
Thieves are Sexy
Prince Edward - Enchanted
Prince Edward is the sweet, not so bright prince of Disney's Enchanted, and the only prince that doesn't end up with his (originally intended) princess. He's handsome and well dressed, risking everything to come to New York and save Giselle. On the other side, he has an overly developed ego, which he's very sincere about, and isn't particularly clever. However, this prince stereotype still manages to win our hearts and win the girl, though not the girl he was looking for. Oh, and did I mention the man can sing? Cause damn. With his dimpled cheeks, boyish charm, and reckless (if unecessary) heroics, Prince Edward is a Disney prince through and through. Animated or not. B
Beautiful Voice, Not So Smart
There you have it folks, my analysis on the princes of Disney. I hope you enjoyed the show and may you all enjoy your own happily ever afters. Hopefully they won't be nearly so cheesy, and the wardrobe infinitely more comfortable. Cheers!
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