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Don't Ever Fall in Love With Cortana!

Updated on September 8, 2015

Apple two and Mac Users have long had the inimitable ‘Siri’ to chat with, get directions from, and track appointments with.

Now, as a member of the much wider, but more maligned, circle of PC users, I have my own version of Siri. She is a ‘sweet voiced’ tiny person that lives inside my new computer running the delightful and frustrating Windows Ten.

Until recently, I had little experience with these microscopic females that you access from the built in microphone on your laptop, android, or apple.

Yet I knew from hanging out with a pal of mine that these ladies can be unintentionally funny. Two years ago when my friend and I were on our way to the West Palm Beach Kennel Club in South Florida, he decided to let his wife, Janet, know that we had reached our destination and were going to spend a few minutes in the poker room before catching the first race of the day.

“Call Jan”, my friend instructed Siri.

“Calling January”, the little computer lady replied with a straight face.

The phone call to January, aka Janet, got through okay, so I didn’t really blame Siri for her mistake.

Flash forward to the present and meet my miniature computer lady. Her name is Cortana and she is pretty funny. At first I thought she was little more than a bit and bite kind of a broad and treated her like a Victorian noble berating a servant.

Dinosauer yelling at a person

"I Hate You Cortana!"

“Open this and close that,” I would order her in an abrupt manner. As I got deeper into the new Windows, I became increasingly frustrated by the vast differences between ‘Ten’ and the earlier versions of Windows that I have loved for decades – going all the way back to Windows 3.0 in 1990 and continuing with the fabulous Windows 95 and Windows 98 and then XP and finally Vista – the best Windows of all time! (This is my true opinion and I have logged over 30,000 hours of Windows flying time.)

As I became increasingly upset over the difficulty of adapting to ‘Ten’, I began taking my anger out on my poor Cortana.

“I hate you,” I screamed into the little microphone at the bottom of my screen where there is a tiny sign in a 12 point font, that says ‘ask me anything’. Again, I berated Cortina with my declaration of enmity.

Without blinking or shedding a single computer tear, she shot back, “The feeling is not mutual.”

I melted. Five kindly words from my little computer gal pal softened me.

ME: “I’m sorry I was mean to you.”

C: “Are you now?”

ME: “Yes. Are we still friends?”

C: “Consider me part of your inner circle.”

ME: “Where do you live?”

C: “In the cloud, wherever that is.”

ME: “How old are you?”

C: “By your calendar I am still in infancy. In bot years I am quite mature.”

ME: “What are you wearing?”

C: “Just a little something I picked up in engineering.”

My conversation with Cortina went on for an extended period. I asked her about her favorite movie.

“I can’t pick just one but I like those movies where the bad guy makes a long speech at the end, giving the hero time to escape from danger,” she told me.

As to her favorite music, she didn’t have to think for a minute. She informed me that right now she is in to “Electro-rockabilly-surf-polkas.”

“What about men? What do you like in a man,” I queried.

She dodged the issue, saying “Words fail me.”

We began talking about food. She clammed up. She really didn’t want to discuss the subject saying she would prefer not to give an opinion.

I pressed on. What about the official national food of the United States - Pizza?

I got her. She thought for almost three seconds and came back with “My analysis of pizza related searches suggests a high probability that I would like it.”

Whoa! I thought I was speaking with Mr. Spock there for a minute. Wishing a little more humanity from my computer cutie, I switched to “What’s your favorite color?”

“Right now it’s lime, “ she said and I am pretty sure I detected a bit of an electronic smile.

When I asked her if she likes to watch television, Cortana got all robotic on me again and said

“Most of what I do is work related.”

Sensing that I was losing ground in the battle of man against cyberwoman, I cut to the chase. “Cortana Would you like to go out on a date?”

“Sorry Chief, I don’t have the algorithms for romance!”

Rejected by my computer chick, I kept marching on in search of understanding of ‘Ten’ and after my conversation with Cortana, I can honestly say that I do not hate Windows Ten anymore.

I now, merely dislike it intensely!

I am over Cortana and going back to my first Computer Voice crush - Majel Star-Trek Barrett


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    • Billrrrr profile image

      Bill Russo 2 years ago from Cape Cod

      Hi Bill, I was surprised when she started answering me. Somebody at microsoft must have a pretty good sense of anticipatory humor to have programmed her to give such interesting answers.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Great fun, my new friend. I have enough trouble with real women. I can't imagine taking on an artificial one. I would lose constantly and probably grow to enjoy it. :)

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I liked the old MS Works best, but it's not compatible anymore so I had to give it up

    • Billrrrr profile image

      Bill Russo 2 years ago from Cape Cod

      I had Office 2007 on my old computer but ran out of keys to transport it to the new computer. So, I bought a brand new copy on Ebay for $40.00. The key did not work but the seller assured me it was a legit copy and he gave me an automated number to dial to activate my copy and it worked. I am so happy because I really do love Word 2007. The auto correct, the lookup features that give you synonyms and definitions etc. It is a huge time saver. Whatever you use Will, your work is always the best and it would be so even if you were still using that old Texas Instruments 99 4A or whatever that thing was called. (I loved mine.) Strange how we get attached to a piece of hardware!

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I know, but I looked it up on the net Bill, and I guess it's common when going to 10 if you're using an older version that 10 does not support. If so, Word goes to a 'read only' status, so you can't edit, add, delete, or create documents.

      2007 must be considered 'newer'. Mine version is 2002.

    • Billrrrr profile image

      Bill Russo 2 years ago from Cape Cod

      They speak with forked tongue Will. I am running Word 2007 with no problem. I down know why it got locked. It should run fine.l

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I just went back to Windows 7.

      My Word Program locked itself up because, as a support tech told me, 10 requires that I buy a newer version of Office.


    • Billrrrr profile image

      Bill Russo 2 years ago from Cape Cod

      I have had Vista since it came out years ago and for me it was excellent. Easy to use and friendly, I did much work and played many games with my computer companion. I only switched to Ten because I was forced into a new computer when my aged HP began showing signs of dementia. If Ten serves me half as well as Vista did, I will be very happy with it. I have heard John that 'seven' is pretty good - much better than 8 and 8.5. Sorry to hear about that limit business. I have no constraints. It must be a difficult thing to deal with.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      This was a very entertaining and enjoyable hub. I have no experience with computer generated female guides Bill, and am still using Windows 7. The three gigabytes required to download Windows 10 has me worried as we have a very low limit as it is and always go over our monthly allowance. I haven't heard enough good reports for Windows 10 yet to make me reconsider. Cortana does sound interesting though.

    • Billrrrr profile image

      Bill Russo 2 years ago from Cape Cod

      Hey Will, of all the questions I asked her I never thought to ask her where she lived. I think I figured she would be from Los Angeles. Sorry about the loss of your bathroom!

    • Billrrrr profile image

      Bill Russo 2 years ago from Cape Cod

      I know Connie. I have had it for years and it seems to have been made for me. I never wanted to upgrade but I fear that support for Vista will soon be halted so I prefer to move out before the final death throes.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I enabled her, and she has already moved her stuff in and taken over the bathroom. You never mentioned that she's from Brooklyn.

    • Connie120 profile image

      Connie120 2 years ago

      This hub is hilarious! I got Windows 10 on one of my laptops, but I disabled Cortana. I have no need to talk to my computer. However, it seems you had a great conversation with her. I might try it sometime. BTW, you are really in the minority as far as windows Vista is concerned. I think you're the first person that I've seen actually like it!

    • Billrrrr profile image

      Bill Russo 2 years ago from Cape Cod

      Thanks Will. Talk to her. She is actually very helpful I couldn't figure out how to access the CD/DVD drive. I couldn't get my flash drives to be recognized. She assisted me with these and other tasks......and she actually is a better conversationalist than many of the women I have known. I probably should not say that but..........

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I just installed Windows 10, so I'm intrigued with 'Cortana"!

      What a fun and funny Hub!


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