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Don't Make Me Say 'I Told You So' - 25 Things I Wouldn't Do, If I Were You
Life lessons. They're often learned the hard way. Experience, after all, is the best teacher. But it doesn't always have to be that way. Another person's suffering and embarrassment could be your salvation from making the same mistake. So, here's a list of 25 mistakes I'd avoid if I were you. I'm not saying I've done all of them, but I'm not saying I haven't.
Never, Ever, Ever:
* Attempt to iron clothing while you're wearing it.
* Ask, "What's the worst that could happen?"
* Pray for patience.
* Bounce or swing a baby that has just had a bottle. Since babies are constantly eating, the best bet is to just never bounce or swing a baby!
* Try to curl a Barbie doll's hair with a curling iron. (Just trust me.)
* Put aluminum foil or a Solo cup in the microwave.
* Fall in love with a musician/actor/writer/artist of any kind, if you can help it, which you can't.
* Wear high heels to the mall, to a barbecue, to an amusement park, to a sporting event, especially if the sporting event has bleacher seating.
* Wear anything that's uncomfortable. If it's falling down or riding up before you leave the house, it's going to be doing that all day.
* Feed an emu grass out of your hands - they bite!
* Sunbathe while coated in baby oil or cooking spray.
* Play dodge ball with rocks. (Don't ask.)
* Eat those yummy looking berries you found growing along the walking trail.
* Order a lemon sour, even if you love sour stuff.
* Throw a stress ball across the office, in the general direction of a co-worker.
* Trust a walk-in hair salon with a name you've never heard of that advertises haircuts for $9.99.
* Attempt to pick up the shattered remains of a Christmas tree ornament with your bare hands.
* Ask someone when the baby's due if you aren't absolutely certain she's pregnant - as in, she told you from her own mouth.
* (If you are in high school) Lament that you are not a popular cheerleader. The real world is the great equalizer. Popular cheerleaders become haggard moms too. I know, because I saw a former popular cheerleader not so long ago and she looked like crap. It was terrible. Kind of.
* Assume that someone is the grandmother/grandfather, and not the parent, of a child they are with. If you assume it, don't say it.
* Touch anything your mother tells you not to. She is not trying to deprive you of having your curiosity satisfied. She is trying to save you from dismembering, burning, disfiguring or otherwise horribly maiming an appendage you might rather hold onto.
* Go to the grocery store on an empty stomach.
* Respond to someone by saying, "That's interesting" with a smirk and a tone that implies what you really mean is, "You're stupid." Because that's asinine.
* Sneeze in the dentist's chair.
* Buy tadpoles online, unless you want to officiate a tadpole funeral.