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Dumb Americans and the FAA: A Stand Up Comedy Routine

Updated on April 1, 2010

Airplane Routine (warning: f-bombs)

The FAA seems to think that assuming everyone is a total dumb-ass improves air safety. In the safety speech they say to follow along in the little safety information card in front of us. If they want people to look at the card why the hell does the stewardess pantomime doing everything?

“Insert the end into the metal buckle.” You sure about that? I thought we were supposed to insert the side of the belt into the wooden buckle; Oh wait, unless uncle ted brought his antique buckle collection, there should only be only one buckle and its always the one to the seat next to you.

“It is a federal offense to smoke while on board an airplane or to disable a lavatory smoke detector.” Aw nuts, I was just on my way to disable the lavatory smoke detector right now, not that I was gonna smoke or anything. As reassuring as telling people not to disable the smoke detectors is, aren’t there more vital plane components to worry about? “Please be aware that it is illegal to disable the engines and landing gear of the plane.” Apparently we are at the point where passengers have to be told not to disassemble parts of the aircraft they are flying on.

I always wondered why they give you the in-the-event-of-a-water-landing spiel on a flight from Vegas to Reno; what water are we gonna crash into; a swimming pool? I can understand putting flotation devices on a boat, but on a plane shouldn’t they make your seat cushion double as a parachute? I understand how great a flotation device would be if your plane goes for a swim, but I've still never heard a reason for more parachutes.

“The captain has tuned on the fasten seat belt sign and we encourage you to fasten your seat belt.” I’m sorry, I thought the Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates turned on the fasten seat belt sign. By the way, thank you for waking me up to tell me the sign was on, cause it’s not like I can see it or hear the bing noise that goes off every time you turn it on. Here's a thought instead of making 30 announcements every flight, we could install a sign in the plane that tells the passengers when the fasten seat belt sign is on; the fasten seat belt sign sign.

Damn I already forgot what we were supposed to do when the fasten seat belt sign is on. Was it play cribbage or spay and neuter our pets? Where's a flight attendant? Damnit Jim, I'm not a survival expert I'm apparently a dumb ass. That's it when the fasten seat belt sign is on the captain wants us to make sure our TiVo is set. Crisis averted.

If you examine those picture book brochures that outline what to do if some shit (like the plane) actually does go down, you may notice that the "crash position" looks identical to the "kiss your ass goodbye position." I gotta give the FAA points for synergy at least.

“Place the cup over your nose and mouth and begin breathing normally.” Oops! I thought I was supposed to place it on my ass and finish breathing in iambic pentameter. How the hell else am I gonna use it? To hold urine samples? I have to resist the urge to ask the stewardess if she could demonstrate some kinds of irregular breathing so I can be extra sure to avoid them. Am I in danger of growing gills? I can see how that would fuck up the margarine cup air delivery system.

They also tell parents to make sure they put their own mask on before assisting their children. I see the logic in this advice, but at the same time, I've dealt with American parents and there is no fucking way they're going to trust the advice of a professional over their own infallible qualifications of having had sex at some point. Little Timmy is their baby and they are going to fix him up before they do anything else. Little Timmy will appreciate this until mommy passes out cause she doesn't have her urine cup properly fastened; oh well sheltered children are known to do quite well in survival situations.

Then again, now that I think about it, one of our nations highest officials said he thought the internet was a series of vacuum tubes, like at the bank. Fuck, assuming Americans are dumb does improve safety; we're that far up shit creek. Not only does the poor FAA have to defend Americans from crazy as balls terrorists, they also have to defend us from our dumb ass countryman who decide airport security measures don't count if you want to give your girlfriend another hug goodbye.

P.S. I will give five dollars to anyone who can breath in iambic pentameter through their ass. Even tetrameter would be cool.

What didst thou think of yonder routine?

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